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Undiagnosed Raped By My Brother

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Hi, basically I'm here to find out how to deal with flashbacks and dissociation.

I was raped before I hit puberty, and for much of my life I've had depression. Even though my memories of the event(s?) are fuzzy at best, I eventually realized that was the root cause. Due to counseling and extensive restructuring of my thoughts and personality, I haven't had to deal with depression for 5 years now.

But for almost a year I've had guilt feelings and memories resurface every month on my period. I thought I had conquered most of it, so every month I've been reading about what adult survivors experience.

I've found I have almost every symptom of ptsd: flashbacks, dissociation, hypervigilance, memory impairment, avoiding stimuli, basically everything except nightmares and substance abuse. Most everything I've read on this site feels familiar to me.

I've had these symptoms for years, but I never knew what they were, or that it happens to other people. I thought only soldiers got ptsd. It's a relief to know what it is, but I'm also a little scared.

I'm getting married in a few months, and my fiance knows about my problem and is very supportive, but I'm afraid this disorder will make bad problems for us.

Since I have a lot of expenses staring me down, I can't go to a therapist or take medicine. Besides, I've already done a lot healing without their help.

I will get through this. I'm ready for round two. Alyssa 1, mental problems 0.
 
Hello and welcome to the forum. :)

I am sorry you went through that, you are not alone anymore. There is a lot of support and help on this forum from people who have been through the same thing.

I know you said you can't see a therapist right now, but getting the correct diagnoses to your problem is a big deal. And would greatly aid you in your healing. Glad you have done some healing already, that's great and good for you!

Take care of yourself.
 
Thanks Ayesha. I discovered this website a few days ago, and some of the posts you wrote were really helpful. So I appreciate when people are able to open up their feelings, even painful ones, because you never know who it helps.
 
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