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Realization

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LoneWoIf

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I've been really staring this pain in the face. Really questioning why I've struggled with life. Especially with people. Truthfully, I've had a lot of really difficult experiences that probably built up to the ptsd version of me today. It wasn't one extreme thing, it was a bunch of small shitty things. When I see my life in a 3rd person view, it really makes sense why I'm here.

I feel suicide ideation often. I don't have the courage to pull the trigger. It's not the answer but it taunts me. "Hey you're feeling pain, let me ease your pain."

Suicide seems so romantic doesn't it. No more pain. No more bills. No more setbacks. No more difficult relationships. No more failures.

Then I think about all the things that had to happen in order for me to be here at this moment. Which is astounding when you think about your life.

I wish I could take everyone's pain away. I wish there weren't such bad people in the world. I wish happiness was attainable, not ideal. I wish none of us felt such distress. And more people cared about more people. I wish for one day, we could all just go pain-free.

It's a scary, trying life in a scary, trying world. It's no wonder we're all a little f*cked up. I have found the beauty in the ugliness. I am finally accepting everything. Hopefully, someone understands this.
 
I think I understand this. I have had many shitty things too. I seem to be at an impasse in life and realizing how oppressed I am and have been, and the worst part is that I put myself here. Its time for change. I am very empathetic of others and try to be fair, but others in my world don't feel that empathy. Time to look out for myself since I have decided to go the fight and not pull that trigger-ever!
 
I get it. Life sucks sometimes, other times I just don't give a rats ass, and then there are times like now that.... Well, I just am. Not depressed, not excited, but content as I possibly can be. I think many of us want to obtain at least contentment, or something similar. At least something without the pain and depression.

@LoneWoIf Glad that you are at least accepting things as they are. Work hard on tearing your trauma to pieces and things will get better....
 
I've been really staring this pain in the face. Really questioning why I've struggled with life. Espec...

Thanks, l think that was a message of hope from you. True, through the tough times emerges our core self, everything is sandblasted away with trauma and out pops us, what's left anyways. Lol
 
@She Cat yes...and yes. It's a long road to recovery isn't it?! The hardest part is I think really just accepting it all. Yes, this is the situation. I must get the help I need and really accept the today version of me. The good, bad, AND ugly.
 
@aut555 sandblasted away...I like this reference. It's so freaking true. We start out with a bag of rainbows right?! Trauma sandblasts it away. Andddd there you are imagining unicorns, when really it's just a horse. That's how I view adulthood.

What's left of us. So so true. I always wondered as a kid why adults seemed so restless or unhappy. Well....you get it now. Like what in the eff life? What in the eff?!
 
Ya I read a little quote---"To those of you who are in your twenties and thinks life sucks, life hasn't even begun to screw you up yet, so Buckle Up Buttercup"....Boy isn't that the truth. Where is the resiliency I once had.

LoneWolf-I am finding a lot of unicorn poop! I could figure out what to do with a horse....
 
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