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Really Hard to Understand?

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Jen, Sep 15, 2006.

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  1. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Hi everyone after reading the forum today my problems probably seem trivial but we all have different lives and live and put up with things differently.

    I find it hard to understand what is going through the sufferers head that they can sit and watch TV when there are things that need to be done around the house. I get sick of living in a pig sty. If I come home from work and start doing housework he gets the guilts and gets up and helps where has the initiative gone?
    Are they really watching TV or just not focusing on whats going on around them. At least he is starting to cook the evening meals which is a bonus.
    He has fish tanks and bird cages that he is neglecting he has these half finished projects around the place I call him Mr 50%!!
    Jen
     
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  3. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

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    Jen,

    First let me say that my husband could be named Mr. 50% too...or perhaps Mr. 25% would be better...and he doesn't have PTSD! I think it's just a man thing...I'm not trying to man-bash, but I honestly do think it has nothing to do with the PTSD and everything to do with him being a man. Testosterone clouds his mind...LOL.

    As far as sitting all day watching TV and not doing anything around the house, it is something that I (with PTSD) do and am beginning to understand why. I have every intention of doing stuff around the house but when I look around for something to get started with, I am just so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start. It helps if I have a list of things to do - and it doesn't help if Warren tells me things he'd like me to get done while he is at work and I'm not, because my PTSD mind will completely forget even one thing on the list!

    Do I feel guilty when Warren gets home and nothing (or very little) has gotten home? Heck yes! And I beat myself up mentally over it. Does it motivate me to get myself in gear and do better the next time? Well, I tell myself I will the next time, but when the next time comes, it's like the movie, "Ground Hog Day"...same thing different day...no on purpose, mind you...

    Our minds can only process so much at a time, and usually it is continually trying to process the trauma that gave us PTSD in the first place, mostly processing inefficiently, though. I liken it to a computer. The one I am currently on is about 3 years old and is quite full with "stuff"; the hard drive is almost full. As a result, the computer runs sluggishly with almost everything, especially when it's a very large program. It's not that it can't process it, it just is so full that it's got so much to go through to get to what it is searching for. If we keep trying to put more on the hard drive it may get so full that it crashes...and that's like a mental breakdown. If we "wipe" our hard drive (delete everything and start over again), or delete programs and files that we no longer need or use, especially the bad ones (viruses, spyware, malware, etc.), the computer will run much faster and more efficiently. And that's what those of us in therapy are trying to do. Even though we can't wipe our minds clean (and wouldn't want to), we are trying to delete the old, no-longer needed (or wanted) files that are bogging down our "hard drive" (our mind).

    I completely understand your frustration and sympathize with you. Just hang in there...come here and vent...and know we are all here for you - the suffers and spouses alike.
     
  4. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Jen,
    My husband (who has PTSD) and i are in the process of getting our new place ready to live in...and so far the "we" part turned into "I"
    We talked about cleaning the place up and living nice and i was so excited but so far i have been on my own if i want anything done...I do all the laundry, i clean up the house, i do the bills... i even take care of his tarantulas and snake.
    This past weekend he did nothing but watch tv all day and night...and he was already like this but anytime i say anything or ask him a question..i know he cant hear me. I cant tell if its because he has PTSD or because he is a man?! thats really confusing to me...im pretty sure it has something to do with PTSD, hes never been this bad..but yes hours and hours staring at the tv screen with nothing to say and no turning away..i get so bored :(
    I can proudly say though that my hubby is an awesome cook!!! :)

    Hi Kim,
    I just read your post and i am happy to see that it is a man thing! yeay! lol

    My husband tells me this all the time and i believe him because he does tell me the things he wants to do and get done but when it comes down to it..he just gets confused and fustrated...so i can understand.
     
  5. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

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    Hi Jen Sorry to hear that your having a tough week. Hope things get better for you.

    Thanks Kim, Love the Groundhog Day explaination. Hubby said that you got it spot on!

    Hi Andrea I'm lucky that my hubby is a good cook too! Hope you are being kind to yourself.

    We have a big whiteboard with the day & date for the week with any important doc appts or reminders for us so we have an idea as to who will be doing things for the week. I have a backup calander nearby so I know what is coming up. We find it is an easier way to communicate sometimes. It doesnt always work but hey we have goldfish memories sometimes too!
     
  6. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

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    Hey Andrea,

    Umm...the watching TV all day and night part....and the not hearing you part...that has NOTHING to do with PTSD...and everything to do with being a man!!:tongue: :tongue: :tongue: It's the selective hearing that every man is born with...you know, the "yes dear" response when we ask them if they're listening to us...:rofl:

    I think if ever a woman unlocks the secret to solving that problem, she'll be richer than Bill Gates!
     
  7. carpediem2006

    carpediem2006 Active Member

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    This makes so much sense. I used to have things in their place, struggling with the common ones like finding a birth cert or something else rarely used. Now I struggle to manage to do the most basic things, and the overwhelmed part; it makes so much sense. I try loads of different approaches, but they then seem to dwindle and die.

    Tomorrow is supposedly a designated cleaning day with the approach method hoping to border on 'OCD'. I hate living in a pigsty but can't seem to manage to hold things permanently together. I don't understand it, I don't know if it is PTS or brain injury, as I can't seem to organise much as I used to. Regardless I understand entirely where you are coming from and it is a relief to read. One doctor understands entirely where I am coming from. The one that is supposed to understand trauma/depression/PTS etc seems to know only two words; depression and diary...it infuriates me because it doesn't work and I don't believe I am depressed. I feel fine emotionally, just not when it comes to organisation and energy levels.
     
  8. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Men and their TV

    Kim you are too funny! :smile:
    But hmmm now it makes me kinda sad that he blames it on his PTSD!!! wow haha But i had a feeling that watching tv all day and night is a man disorder where they cant hear or see anything but the damn screen...how horrible....men.. lol
    :cussing:

    But on a serious note. PTSD has nothing to do with watching too much tv?? Just double checking.
     
  9. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I am very guilty of the TV/computer thing. With insomnia as bad as it is I just get out of bed because I am stirring so much and ticked I can't sleep, I also wake hubby with all of it. I can't do anything else so reading if I can concentrate, which is not often. If I cannot concentrate I will watch TV, info is fed to me...

    During the day when the kids are going, messing, bickering, and hubby is home just having normal life happening it can be more than I can handle. I will crank up the TV and block everyone out. Drives hubby crazy. Drives kids crazy, they are all driving me crazy. So it is easier for me to "shut down" and concentrate on the one thing in front of me and put up a barrier so to speak. If I can find something enjoyable or just better than what I think about it is easier. It can slow down intrusive thoughts and keep you from blowing your top. May seem like a cop out but I get it. All man jokes aside...

    But going off the first post, it is overwhelming and depression literally is a thing that physically wears you out and have tired achey muscles, without lifting a finger. It is the nature of the beast. Many a day I just look at the mess and thinking about it is all I can do! I am lucky my husband gets that. I know it is hard and guilt makes depression worse, you don't have to do anything to make him feel guilty, I am sure he is doing it enough on his own in his head.

    One thing we are entertaining right now is a treadmill. I keep hearing exercising will help. Housework is a work out... BUT it seems so frigging pointless to do it when I get it done and feel better, as I HATE mess and clutter, to just have one person come along and drop their pants and shoes and socks in the floor... That would be hubs and younger son. My older son drags his crap out and makes a mess in the kitchen and leaves it on the table, older girl to do the same shortly after she is finished spilling feed all over the sun room, I don't even have to say what a 2 yo does... toys, colors, sheets of paper, books spread to the four winds. And countless other messes. What is the point to exert that for that in return when it takes everything I have to get in the damn shower???

    That is where the idea treadmill came in, I can zone out in the TV if I want, but be active. I will be walking and not going anywhere so I don't expect to get anything in the end like a clean home, or get to a destination. Just get my body moving. If exercise really helps lift depression then this should help and I won't be disappointed when I get no where since the idea of a treadmill is not going anywhere to begin with. Crap... The 2 yo is giving her teddy bear a bath in the sink. Again, why bother? Should I stop her? Short of making a mess she isn't hurting anything and soon as I stop her she will just take the chaos somewhere else and on something else.

    When I was a frigging drunk people used to comment you could eat off my floors I was so on top of it, drinking also made me able to socialize to have people say it ha ha! Now that I am not, even I am scared to even eat off my own table! Hell who knows, 4 kids maybe it is normal to say screw it and pick my battles, which right now is sleep. Think I will go put my nightgown on and sesame street is starting... fish her out of there and see if she will go watch it in bed with me. Yeah I get where he is coming from.
     
  10. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I will try to get my husband to post on here, I think he has a good grasp on it and may be able to give advice though posting is not his cup of tea. Just as long as he stays out of my trauma diary, which I think he would respect. And after all my point of view is very one sided. He normally has a different spin on things.
     
  11. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Its somewhere between depression and focus, in that we find it difficult to motivate, though also PTSD definately limits our concentration and memory when uncontrolled. These are facts, however; he either chooses to accept the way he is, or he gets off his arse and does something about his PTSD. Being male has a lot to do with some of the issue though.

    Good to see atleast he is helping by cooking the evening meal. Now if you slowly get him more motivated over time, your issues will become less, thus the relationship itself improves slightly.
     
  12. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Now, I'm not a man...but I dont' think it's a man thing! I believe that we are all capable of not doing housework, or watching way too much TV. To me, I believe it is a mind thing. Sometimes the mind is working well enough that there is room to launch operation clean up. Sometimes, the mind does not work at all, hence needing the comfort and distraction of the TV (blanking out). Unfortunately, with PTSD on board, we tend to reach that "max out" point more often than not. Healing the ptsd will initaite the motivation. In the meantime, I believe in flexiability.
     
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