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Really Struggling With Transference

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So, I've been in therapy off and on for 20 years. I'm 26. So the majority of my life I've had therapeutic relationships with many different therapists. I have NEVER experienced transference until now. I have my BSW & MSW and I know what transference is, I can pinpoint the relationship dynamic I'm playing out with my T, and I know what it stems from. I'm struggling with whether or not I mention it to my T. Typically the things you DO NOT WANT TO SAY in therapy are the things you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO SAY. I so trust my T. She is amazing, a specialist in trauma, sexual violence, women's issues, sexuality, etc. (everything I need). and I truly believe with my non-emotional-irrational fear of abandonment mind that she would never do anything to harm me emotionally and she would appreciate me showing vulnerability. But my emotional brain is terrified of bringing it up. The thing that I most fear (and I feel super silly and dumb saying this)... is that she will no longer hug me when I need it. Some therapists outright don't touch clients, while others (the best in my opinion) use careful judgement calls and years of experience to determine if it's appropriate. Well, I need that hug. its like closure for me and we are doing intense EMDR therapy and the shit's tough. Human touch is powerful. I fear that if I tell her about my transference she will withhold giving me a hug. I am totally embarrassed about this and wish I could control it, but its eating me alive. I also feel as if there's NO WAY that I recognize it and she doesn't. She is very seasoned, and damn good at her job. I have withheld nothing (except this! lol) from her, so she knows my relationship with my mom, and other women in my life where similar situations play out. basically, I'm really good at falling for and seeking out attention from women significantly older than me in ways that are not solely based on sexual/romantic attraction, but often times a lot of it has been seeking nurturing and unconditional love from someone in that "motherly role." But I always pick people who can totally NOT meet that need and/or are emotionally unavailable. And to be fair, no one ever will fill that role, that chance is gone forever. That time has passed, i missed out. I'm an adult now, I need to fix me and love me, and move on. Anyway, considering she knows about this dynamic in many of my relationships, I feel like she is totally aware of it. I assume she feels like if she brings it up, it could be harmful for me (AND IT WOULD BE, I'D RUN AWAY). But she's got to know it's there. I also want to mention, that no other T has ever made me feel so comfortable, I know she is not judging me, ever. I know that she is sincere and genuine and empathetic. And she offers EMDR, and specializes in EVERYTHING I need. So her unique and critical role in my recovery is also part of this attachment, as well as the source of my fears. I also am terrified that for some unforeseen circumstance, we will have to terminate before I'm through treatment and I don't have faith that someone else could fill her shoes. I have been to other EMDR T in my area and they suck!!! I travel 5 hours to see her each week, spend the night out of town, pay for someone to watch my pets and do a session each Friday and Saturday. I want to take my life back so damn bad. And I need HER to do it. So will discussing the transference with her help or hurt the therapeutic alliance??
 
She may well have an idea of the transference you're referring to and while I can't predict how she'll respond, if she's dealt with everything else well chances are she'll deal with this too.

The feelings you describe sound pretty normal for someone with a challenging childhood - of course that dynamic will keep playing out until you don't need it any more. Therapy is a place where we can receive some of the love and care we didn't get as children - in a framework of clear boundaries and with the aim of us learning how to do that for ourselves.

I wonder if instead of transference you thought about it as feelings that are real in your therapy relationship just now, that your T fulfils a need for you and, naturally, you develop warm feelings for her, want to be close to her etc because that's what happens when someone cares for us.

It's not a wrong or shameful thing - that's the lie that abuses teaches us, that it's wrong to let people care for us and that our care and love for others will be rejected or used against us. This may be an opportunity to have a different experience, where those feelings are held safely by someone trustworthy - which can act as a pattern for what we take into and offer other people in our "outside" relationships.

Yes it's scary - some of the hardest parts of therapy for me are talking about our relationship and my feelings - but every time I do it, something shifts in a truly helpful, healing way.
 
It will absolutely help.

I had a very similar conversation with my T recently - about how scared I am that he will take away hugs. He assured me that will not happen (unless of course there is a boundary issue) and that he sees it as incredibly beneficial to our work together and my healing. Absolutely talk to her - if she is good, which is sounds like she is, then she will know how healing/beneficial the physical contact would be for you AND how you probably have a lot of fears of it being taken away.
 
For what it's worth...

When I admitted to my T similar transference (complete with gross sobbing and all...

Thanks for sharing that with me. The fact that you got a hug in return, after being so vulnerable and honest is hopeful to me. Shame is deeply woven into my fabric, especially in this relationship pattern. I have talked to a friend and a mentor - both hold MSWs and my "mentor" has her LCSW and much more experience than I do. Both people normalized what I was feeling. My mentor helped me reach a point of being 99% sure I can bring it up. I am planning to bring it up, I just hope I don't flake at the last minute. I appreciate your input @Riot
 
She may well have an idea of the transference you're referring to and while I can't predict how she'll...

Thank you for the validation @Suzetig I SO appreciate your response. Yes, the feelings in therapy are real, and I do believe it is helpful in a way. She's genuine and I feel that. She does care about her clients, and I appreciate the attuned care she is providing. Since I posted this I have come to the realization, that the dynamic/relationship I so crave from her is definitely not the kind of relationship I hope to desire when I am through this therapy process. With this in mind, I feel like as I truly begin to heal, my idea of what I want and NEED out of a relationship will be very clear to me, a conscious shift from what I am missing from my childhood, to what I need now. So I will bring it up and work through it, and stop fearing termination, because by the time I terminate with her (barring anything crazy happening) I will be a whole different person with different needs and she won't be that person. Hopefully, I can stick with her long enough, that I have formed healthier relationships outside of therapy, as learned in therapy with her, that moving on will not hurt so much. I don't know if that makes sense... but typing it helped me process some.
 
It will absolutely help.

I had a very similar conversation with my T recently - about how scared I am...

@mrsmegan - WOW! thank you for that. I knew a lot of people struggle with transference, but I haven't heard of anyone expressing this exact same fear of their T withholding hugs. Makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one, and that It helped you to express your feelings w/ T.
 
Ahhh! I did it @mrsmegan ! I brought it up and she handled it beautifully. I told her at the beginning of the session on Friday because I wanted it out there and for the rest of the session to be effective (which it was). I also know myself well enough to know I would definitely over-analyze and second guess the ENTIRE SESSION because that's just how my mind works. I wanted to have Saturday to make sure things still felt right and she wasn't acting weird.

I told her point blank that I was struggling with it, where it was stemming from, what I was seeking, and that I knew by the time we terminated that I wouldn't be seeking that kind of love and affection from someone who couldn't provide it (in the way I want it), but would hopefully be accepting of myself (not seeking others approval) and ready to start a relationship with someone who COULD actually meet my needs in a realistic healthy way. She didn't have any kind of overreaction when I first spit it out. She was "oh, really? thanks for telling me." And she said that it happens a lot in therapy, often times clients aren't aware of it, and when they are they still usually aren't brave enough to bring it up. She went on to say that often times people will start to change the way they behave and interact in therapy, she'll notice but isn't able to pinpoint what's going on for them, and then things get weird. So I feel like as weird as it was to announce I'm super attached to her, I guess it could've been way weirder to not tell her. I told her I knew I needed to work through it with her , in a safe place, or it would just continue to be a cycle in my life where needs aren't met and I am eventually rejected. She agreed. I asked if she would still give me hugs at the end of the session and she said as long as I didn't feel like she was crossing a boundary that I was uncomfortable with, then of course she would. I voiced to her that I really needed it. Friday did feel a little weird at the end, but I think that's all on me, not her. My processing that day was INCREDIBLY intense and I was really triggered, sobbing style triggered by some of the stuff that came up for me. It was emotional. She did get through to me though. Today we did processing but what came up for me was not as outright emotionally upsetting. I feel at peace with our exchange for the most part. There's no other setting in my life where I could honestly tell the person I'm attached to, that I'm attached and am terrified of being abandoned** without it resulting in cold rejection and the relationship ending. I think it will be most helpful that I told her. But as much as I say I'm at peace with it, deep down I still feel really vulnerable right now.

** It also dawned on me that a lot of my fear was being fueled by the reality that I could totally lose my health insurance overnight right now b/c of all of the executive orders that have been signed. I told her I was super scared I'd lose my insurance and if that happens I will NOT be able to afford seeing her. I explained that I've come further in 3-4 months with her (hence some of the attachment) than 20 years of therapy with a dozen different Ts. That I needed HER to be the one to help me. She acknowledged that that was a real possibility right now. She then told me that no matter what happened, she would continue to see me, that we'd make something work, maybe use a sliding scale. So that eased a lot of my fear - everything else I think of that could result in us not working together is easy to brush off and use my rational brain to hypothesize how unlikely those things are from actually happening. I feel like that demonstrates she is genuine, she really cares, and she's gonna stick with me.

I'm super appreciative you everyone's support here. I would have NEVER worked up the courage to express my feelings without your encouragement and insight.
 
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