ThisLifeIsBeautiful
Learning
So, I've been in therapy off and on for 20 years. I'm 26. So the majority of my life I've had therapeutic relationships with many different therapists. I have NEVER experienced transference until now. I have my BSW & MSW and I know what transference is, I can pinpoint the relationship dynamic I'm playing out with my T, and I know what it stems from. I'm struggling with whether or not I mention it to my T. Typically the things you DO NOT WANT TO SAY in therapy are the things you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO SAY. I so trust my T. She is amazing, a specialist in trauma, sexual violence, women's issues, sexuality, etc. (everything I need). and I truly believe with my non-emotional-irrational fear of abandonment mind that she would never do anything to harm me emotionally and she would appreciate me showing vulnerability. But my emotional brain is terrified of bringing it up. The thing that I most fear (and I feel super silly and dumb saying this)... is that she will no longer hug me when I need it. Some therapists outright don't touch clients, while others (the best in my opinion) use careful judgement calls and years of experience to determine if it's appropriate. Well, I need that hug. its like closure for me and we are doing intense EMDR therapy and the shit's tough. Human touch is powerful. I fear that if I tell her about my transference she will withhold giving me a hug. I am totally embarrassed about this and wish I could control it, but its eating me alive. I also feel as if there's NO WAY that I recognize it and she doesn't. She is very seasoned, and damn good at her job. I have withheld nothing (except this! lol) from her, so she knows my relationship with my mom, and other women in my life where similar situations play out. basically, I'm really good at falling for and seeking out attention from women significantly older than me in ways that are not solely based on sexual/romantic attraction, but often times a lot of it has been seeking nurturing and unconditional love from someone in that "motherly role." But I always pick people who can totally NOT meet that need and/or are emotionally unavailable. And to be fair, no one ever will fill that role, that chance is gone forever. That time has passed, i missed out. I'm an adult now, I need to fix me and love me, and move on. Anyway, considering she knows about this dynamic in many of my relationships, I feel like she is totally aware of it. I assume she feels like if she brings it up, it could be harmful for me (AND IT WOULD BE, I'D RUN AWAY). But she's got to know it's there. I also want to mention, that no other T has ever made me feel so comfortable, I know she is not judging me, ever. I know that she is sincere and genuine and empathetic. And she offers EMDR, and specializes in EVERYTHING I need. So her unique and critical role in my recovery is also part of this attachment, as well as the source of my fears. I also am terrified that for some unforeseen circumstance, we will have to terminate before I'm through treatment and I don't have faith that someone else could fill her shoes. I have been to other EMDR T in my area and they suck!!! I travel 5 hours to see her each week, spend the night out of town, pay for someone to watch my pets and do a session each Friday and Saturday. I want to take my life back so damn bad. And I need HER to do it. So will discussing the transference with her help or hurt the therapeutic alliance??