G
Gito
I'm not too sure whether this even has much to do with PTSD, but because my partner has PTSD, it seems fit to ask for advice. I'll try to keep it as short as I'll fill in the details if any of you need further clarification.
My partner of 2 and a half years is suddenly convinced I lied to her. When it all hit the fan, she showed me the evidence behind her accusation and I can totally understand how she's come to the conclusion that I did lie. According to what she's seen, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would think think she had lied also. However, I did not lie to her and it is all just one big misunderstanding.
Distrust has never been an issue in our relationship previously. She has always told me that she trusts me completely and said that I've never given her any reason to be suspicious of me. It's a long story that I'll get into further if asked, but the situation is just a simple mix of misinformation and circumstance. In a nutshell, I was told one thing (which was the information I relayed on to her at that time, believing it was the legitimate information), but later discovered that the original information I had been told was just a cover story due to the fact that it was my birthday and a few people had organised a huge surprise for me. Obviously no one is going to tell me what my own surprise is. But, unfortunately, the damage had already been done because my partner had already started accusing me before I found out the real situation.
So in the beginning, I was asking her what she was talking about as I knew nothing beyond what I'd told her was happening (the cover story). But when I was told that it was all a cover for my birthday, my initial reaction was serious panic as it all fell into place and I could immediately see exactly why my partner was so upset. I tried explaining it to her and went through everything that happened from day one. But she is so convinced that she thinks what really did happen is just a lie to cover a lie.
It got to a point where it turned into a full-blown argument. Which I know was a stupid thing to do on my behalf. I fuelled the fight and realise now that I made it a whole lot more worse for myself. She was throwing nasty words and I ended up retaliating with my own nasty words out of anger. Yet, later on, I was the one to calm the situation down and I apologised for everything. I apologised for how she feels because I understand what it looks like. I apologised for the nasty things I said because I did not mean them. I apologised for the entire role I played in this whole situation. But I would not apologise to lying to her when I knew in my heart that I didn't.
She isolated for 2 weeks, then came back and told me that she can't say goodbye to me and doesn't want to lose me and although she doesn't believe that I didn't lie to her, she understands she needs to let it go and move on from it in order to keep me in her life. That was a huge sigh of relief as I was at a loss as to what more I could say to her about it.
That was a week and a half ago.
During then and now, she has tried to bring it back up and I have simply told her that I have said everything I can possibly say to her about the situation and that, while I completely understand why she is so upset and hurt, I can't change her opinion. She kept bringing it up and it got to the point where I was just saying that I'm not willing to discuss it with her.
3 nights ago, everything was fine. We were chatting on the phone and she brings it all up again. But she's not only accusing me of lying about my birthday, but has spent the entire week and a half thinking up more incidents to add where she now suspects I lied with things dating way back to the first week that we met, 2 and a half years ago. So we headed straight back in to me explaining not only my birthday, but every other thing she was throwing at me as well and we ended up head-first in another angry argument again. I told her that nothing is going to be sorted out if she continues to twist and distort every little thing to fit in line with the monster that she wants to find in me that simply isn't there. She wouldn't have it. Told me that of course I'd want her to believe me because I'm the one that's lying about everything and that she's not stupid and thinks it's funny that I think I can outsmart her.
She ended up hanging up on me eventually and I haven't heard from her, nor have I contacted her in 3 nights now.
So this is my dilemma... I 100% know for a fact that I did not lie. She is insisting that I did and refuses to believe me. She has isolated, we've had no contact and she's popped up again a few days/weeks later like nothing has happened many times before. I know I should not be comfortable in thinking that she will return eventually, but 100% of the past 2 and a half years she has. And it's really not about her isolating at all.
I am having a really hard time dealing with not only this, but whatever else she can twist and come up with being thrown in my face every time she wants to fight. She said she understands that we need to agree to disagree on this because we'll never see eye to eye with it and she can't see me not in her life anymore and I can't see her not in my life anymore. But I also can't have this hanging over my head when I've done nothing wrong. I just don't know how to handle it anymore and her isolating is giving me the time to think all of this out, but I need some help. I understand that she may never accept that I didn't lie and I can't change her mind. But if the chances are that she is going to contact me again soon, I really need some help on how to deal with this. I don't know what more I can do than what I've already done... besides the arguing. I completely understand that wasn't helpful, but I snapped. Can any of you offer any advice?
My partner of 2 and a half years is suddenly convinced I lied to her. When it all hit the fan, she showed me the evidence behind her accusation and I can totally understand how she's come to the conclusion that I did lie. According to what she's seen, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would think think she had lied also. However, I did not lie to her and it is all just one big misunderstanding.
Distrust has never been an issue in our relationship previously. She has always told me that she trusts me completely and said that I've never given her any reason to be suspicious of me. It's a long story that I'll get into further if asked, but the situation is just a simple mix of misinformation and circumstance. In a nutshell, I was told one thing (which was the information I relayed on to her at that time, believing it was the legitimate information), but later discovered that the original information I had been told was just a cover story due to the fact that it was my birthday and a few people had organised a huge surprise for me. Obviously no one is going to tell me what my own surprise is. But, unfortunately, the damage had already been done because my partner had already started accusing me before I found out the real situation.
So in the beginning, I was asking her what she was talking about as I knew nothing beyond what I'd told her was happening (the cover story). But when I was told that it was all a cover for my birthday, my initial reaction was serious panic as it all fell into place and I could immediately see exactly why my partner was so upset. I tried explaining it to her and went through everything that happened from day one. But she is so convinced that she thinks what really did happen is just a lie to cover a lie.
It got to a point where it turned into a full-blown argument. Which I know was a stupid thing to do on my behalf. I fuelled the fight and realise now that I made it a whole lot more worse for myself. She was throwing nasty words and I ended up retaliating with my own nasty words out of anger. Yet, later on, I was the one to calm the situation down and I apologised for everything. I apologised for how she feels because I understand what it looks like. I apologised for the nasty things I said because I did not mean them. I apologised for the entire role I played in this whole situation. But I would not apologise to lying to her when I knew in my heart that I didn't.
She isolated for 2 weeks, then came back and told me that she can't say goodbye to me and doesn't want to lose me and although she doesn't believe that I didn't lie to her, she understands she needs to let it go and move on from it in order to keep me in her life. That was a huge sigh of relief as I was at a loss as to what more I could say to her about it.
That was a week and a half ago.
During then and now, she has tried to bring it back up and I have simply told her that I have said everything I can possibly say to her about the situation and that, while I completely understand why she is so upset and hurt, I can't change her opinion. She kept bringing it up and it got to the point where I was just saying that I'm not willing to discuss it with her.
3 nights ago, everything was fine. We were chatting on the phone and she brings it all up again. But she's not only accusing me of lying about my birthday, but has spent the entire week and a half thinking up more incidents to add where she now suspects I lied with things dating way back to the first week that we met, 2 and a half years ago. So we headed straight back in to me explaining not only my birthday, but every other thing she was throwing at me as well and we ended up head-first in another angry argument again. I told her that nothing is going to be sorted out if she continues to twist and distort every little thing to fit in line with the monster that she wants to find in me that simply isn't there. She wouldn't have it. Told me that of course I'd want her to believe me because I'm the one that's lying about everything and that she's not stupid and thinks it's funny that I think I can outsmart her.
She ended up hanging up on me eventually and I haven't heard from her, nor have I contacted her in 3 nights now.
So this is my dilemma... I 100% know for a fact that I did not lie. She is insisting that I did and refuses to believe me. She has isolated, we've had no contact and she's popped up again a few days/weeks later like nothing has happened many times before. I know I should not be comfortable in thinking that she will return eventually, but 100% of the past 2 and a half years she has. And it's really not about her isolating at all.
I am having a really hard time dealing with not only this, but whatever else she can twist and come up with being thrown in my face every time she wants to fight. She said she understands that we need to agree to disagree on this because we'll never see eye to eye with it and she can't see me not in her life anymore and I can't see her not in my life anymore. But I also can't have this hanging over my head when I've done nothing wrong. I just don't know how to handle it anymore and her isolating is giving me the time to think all of this out, but I need some help. I understand that she may never accept that I didn't lie and I can't change her mind. But if the chances are that she is going to contact me again soon, I really need some help on how to deal with this. I don't know what more I can do than what I've already done... besides the arguing. I completely understand that wasn't helpful, but I snapped. Can any of you offer any advice?