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Really Worried And Scared

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Blackjack

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I am hoping that some of you might be able to help me or offer me some advice.

All throughout my PTSD diagnosis and up until now, I have been working full time. I had been seeing a qualified therapist privately as the NHS wait was so long and I have now swapped to a lady that I have been seeing for a while who whilst not qualified by exams or anything is a fellow PTSD sufferer who now has hers well under control and she is proving to be a big help to me with the PTSD, depression and other life stuff that I have going on.

My problem is, I am really struggling at work. I permanently feel like I am not 'on the ball' and am slow in stuff that I do and just cannot seem to engage my brain and focus like I used to be able to do. I just cannot seem to concentrate like I should do, have no motivation and have to really force myself to try and focus on the job in hand. I feel permanently tired and teary too.

All of this is not helped by my back injury and the vast quantity of pain meds that I am taking for that. I do not sleep well and am in constant pain from that.

I feel like I could do with a real break from everything but I am scared of getting into trouble at work or loosing my job due to being off sick. I had a change of role within my company a while back and things are very behind in the department and I just don't feel able to take time off from it. I know that part of the reason things are behind is because I am not getting through as much work as I should because of how I am. Also if I am off sick, then that will mean I will be at home and will be in the company of my narcissist mother all day which I could not cope with.

I am really worried about getting sacked for not doing enough and not being on the ball and scared of my whole future right now. I cannot put myself in a situation where I am out of work as we rely heavily on my money. I just don't know what to do to be honest.
 
@Blackjack it was almost like reading my words. It's not easy is it? I also have a full time job-but I am struggling to "keep up" in areas of paperwork etc. I lose focus a lot. I have thought about disability but I need to make the money and I don't want to spend more time at home with verbally abusive spouse. My supervisors at work are aware I have PTSD and that I am in therapy. They are working with me, very lenient. They have told me I can take of hours during the day as needed or take time off. It helps having their support.

Does your employer know about your PTSD? I am sorry that it's so hard. I am also sorry I have no answers. But I do understand what it's like. Take care
 
i second @Snowflake's comment.

Letting your boss know can be very beneficial. You may be surprised at how understanding they are.
Working Full-Time, I presume you are on a contract? This protects you (incase you were worried about them sacking you)

As a goal to help you endure, is it possible for you to save up for a trip away on your next annual leave/long weekend? A holiday, visit friends etc. that way you don't have to stay at home if you're off work.
 
I read fear in getting sacked. I have lived with that for 10 years. It was bad for my health. I do think this fear cycle keeps people's bodies in pain.

How much of this is PTSD staying stuck in fear without reason?

Is fear ever a good emotion upon which to base one's thinking and decisions?

The answer is, "No, never" not even in a dangerous situation.

You need to practice "Thought-stopping" when the fear of being sacked comes up for you. Say "No" to that thought and have ready reality based thoughts to use in its place.

Talk with your supervisor. Tell this person that you are in a lot of pain and it's making it hard for you to know if you are doing your job well. Ask for encouragement and proper feedback on a weekly basis in private to use in gauaging your work and make sure to have input on how much effort you put into the week, even if it didn't go well, due to other factors, such as your pain levels.

You got this.
 
I could have written this myself. I'm in the same situation, really. I'm borderline incompetent to do a job that I used to rock Every. Single. Day. I get paralyzed with fear for hours and just hide in my cube, shaking and crying. I -want- to do right. I want to just come in and do my job. But sometimes.. I just plain can't.

It's causing a lot of stress at work, for myself, my supervisor, and others. I have royally f*cked up some things that almost caused my dept to get closed down. In truth I should probably be fired.

Add to that my chronic absenteeism, again due to fear, and they've put me on restricted leave. I went and saw the disability guy at work, and he suggested FMLA. That itself has been an arduous process, BUT...

FMLA is probably the best move at this point. As far as I know, all employers have to offer it, and confidentiality is a big part. You might not even need to disclose what your condition is. Just having FMLA covers you from being fired, or even disciplined for things such as what you describe.
 
You say you live with your narc mom? Im just guessing this is way to tough on you then. Doesnt seem youll get rest when your home if you live with such.
Also a narc will constantly remind you that you are never good enough and this will also affect that you dont feel you do enough in work.
Any possibility to move away from her? If Id live with my "mom" Id hardly stand on my feets. Let alone have any contact at all.

I hope you work it out - all the best
 
I missed the narc mother. Even after going no contact with mine, I still struggle with these feeling of being rejected, or about to be, that is not real.

To be specific, I constantly feel that I am going to be rejected and that I am not acceptable. I was sexually abused by my father at home, sometimes along with his BFF, also a pedo. Then, I was tortured and sex abused by my father's friends, the leaders of my parents' church.

My parents are narcissists, my mother being textbook. Her response to disclosure of the abuse was to take my sister and I to the river to drown us.

We existed to make her look good and were a "burden" and "evil" that we were lucky she let live. :(

I know most narcissists' don't have the level of dysfunction and apparent (to the world) function that my parents have. One is a doctor with a private practice, the other does religious work. They have land, custom home, private practice, several new cars, a Merc, annual travel, etc.

It is their functional success, which drives my insecurity.
 
Thank you so much for your kind words of support, and suggestions.

Sadly moving home is not an option for several reasons. When my dad went into the care home he made me promise I would stay with mum so she wasn't on her own and I don't want to go back on that. He would be very disappointed in me indeed if I did that. Also, we could not afford it without having to sell our horses and to me that would be like asking a parent to sell their child, I just couldn't do it. Plus they are the one bright light in my life and give me a source of relaxation and peace. Finally, my husband cashed in a pension last year (before my PTSD really raised its head) and invested quite a large amount of it into improvements to the house (new doors and windows, new roof, plus other things) and also has done a lot of work to the house himself (including building an extension) although he might not be supportive to me at the moment I would never ask him or expect him to walk away from all of the money he has spent to make the house nice, to go live in a tiny little apartment which would be all we could afford to rent.

Go Hungry, as far as I am aware we don't have anything like FMLA here in the UK. My employers know that I have got PTSD and that I see a T and are supportive to a point if I go and speak to them but they are first and foremost concerned about the company rather than me. They never ask me if I am ok, how I am doing or if I need anything. They also largely seem to ignore or forget about my back injury as again it doesn't get mentioned and no real help has been offered. I have to take annual leave for all my medical appointments so I cannot even take a holiday this year as I don't have the leave left as its all been taken up in days off for treatment. It's a struggle and I just don't know what to do. I thought I was coping but this week has been awful, have spent most of it close to tears or actually crying. I am exhausted by it all I really am.
 
I understand your dilemna and I think the only solution is to keep on going to work and doing the best you can, I realize that this sucks but you sound like you are between a rock and a hard place right now. I hope that you do not lose you job and your income.

I am sorry that you are in the position that you are in while feeling so poorly.:hug::hug::hug:
 
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