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Recovery toward family?

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col1092

Hey all!

Bit of background imformation. I grew up with an emotional abusive father, and emotional distant mother. My brother was/is autism (high functioning) and developed a serve mental illness which resulted in him being section (I was highly involve in this). I then had a abusive relenship, and other 'trauma' events. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD a year and a half ago.

I'm twenty five, and have just graduated with a 2:1. I have a wonderful supportive boyfriend, and have proven to myself by going to university that I'm intelligent. (Not me getting a university grade, but that i've proven to myself I'm capable)

HOWEVER, I'm back in therapy. Also i'm really trying my hardest for this.

Though I'm finding it all difficult, especially my relenship with my family. My father, has now realised about his behaviour, (was diagnosed with autism few years back) and my mother is more open! Every thing you would always want. Though I can not help feel triggered when I see them or talk to them. Also, i'm just so mad at them, that they raised me in such a unhealthy environment. They are open for me to talk to them. Though I have such conflicting feelings about them (At the end of the day you can't help but love your parents). I spoke to them last week, about what type of conversation I might need to have with them both, also what the 'complex' part means of my ptsd. I was nearly in tears when I had to tell my dad, that he was the reason for this. I'm so split with these emotions. At night when i'm having flashbacks, images and unwanted thoughts, I just can't stand my dad, hate him. Though i see him, or have a lovely conversations and I love him. It's like i'm still in this cycle of abuse, even though it's stopped.

I'm suppose to be seeing my family on Sunday, My feelings are that I don't want to go. As I feel I could have triggers, though isn't that just avoidance!

If anyone has ANYTHING to say PLEASE do. I would really appreciate it.
 
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