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Relationship Relationship Woes. Pushed Away.

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Tx123

I know there is a whole forum full of posts probably exactly like this one. But I would still like to post mine. Hope that's okay. I promise to come back and read more of the others.

I will try to keep it short (I will fail, just a warning). I feel like by doing so I will leave out important details. But, I also wish to not word vomit all over you all.

I was dating a guy for about a year. Its been a rollercoaster. He definitely has gone through phases before of pushing me away, due to intense insecurities and trust issues. We've come along way though. And, even with the intimacy problems, have gotten very close. Soemthing this guy has never really been able to do. We've overcome a lot.

We broke up about two months ago. He tells me he feels unworthy and unlovable and that can't be himself around people. But, then says with me he feels safe, and good enough, and not judged, and is able to open up, and feels worthy, and loved with me. And that he is able to be the real him. So, we are currently broken up because of all of these heartbreaking negative opinions of himself. Despite the fact that he doesn't feel those negative opinions of himself when we are together.

Yall, I just don't understand it.

I know he feels damaged. And his low self worth and lack of love for himself stems from the abuse he went through as a child. He has opened up to me some on the topic. By his own free will. I would never push these things.

We've spoken a few times, via text, since the end of our relationship. He is not doing well. He is very depressed. He is taking some steps to heal, it seems. He always has been proactive in doing things that are good for his mental well being. But he is really not doing well.

I am concerned. Because of his trouble connecting with others, he has a little to non existent support system. I want to be there for him.

The last time we spoke... A few days ago (it had been a couple weeks of non communication)... I messaged him because I felt like I needed to tell him he doesn't have to be alone. It's good to have people who love and support you by your side. Etc. Things of that nature. He responded. Said he wasn't doing good. How he missed me. Said that seeing me would make him feel better, but not permanently.. he would still have no love for himself. Talked of the childhood trauma a bit. Said he could be his real self with me. And then said his real self is never really around because of the abuse from childhood.

I sent a message back. Compassionate and understanding. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am also not doing well. I really do get a lot of his feelings.

He hinted at wanting to see me. But said he was being weak because being apart was hard. He's fighting happiness so much. I love him. He loves me. We bring positivity to each other's lives. But for some reason, he feels like he has to be alone. I want what is best for him, but I don't feel like this is it. I don't want to let him push me away. But, I don't want to smother him or be forceful and annoying either. And I know the choice is his, either way.


I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm not asking anything in particular. I guess any help to understand would be nice. Could I do more to support him, or is letting him go really our only option?


Thanks xoxo
 
Ugh... I feel for you!

I'm going through the same thing. My girlfriend broke up with me about a week ago. Said some really hurtful things. Second time she has left, but this was more traumatic. Said she was "never in the relationship emotionally," that she's "been trying to understanding toward me but as much as she wants this, it isn't anything for me anymore" OVER TEXT!

I feel for you. I really do. Everyone here I very supportive. Do what you can to learn about PTSD on here. He might snap out of it, he might not. No way to tell. The uncertainty of it is what is the most crushing.

Please know you're not alone.
 
Hello @Tx123, I am a sufferer of PTSD, Anxiety & Depression, so it's hard in a way to say I can help.

Well, first of all thank you for visiting this forum. You raise a lot of issues between each other & this behavior.

I know you say that he loves you & you love him.

But, the issue I think is how much pain & anxiety on this rollercoaster ride can you endure. Love is not enough to compensate. He seems to be your only focus. Pull the brake. Tell him what he is doing to you.

I know you are aware of his need to be alone. I am sure he would be very grateful for you reaching out to him.

But it takes two willing people to make a relationship.

Have a good look at this relationship.


I hope you are taking care of yourself while navigating this relationship.

It's not healthy. Do not forget your needs.

Post and or join the forum, lots of carers have gone through what is happening to you. You will find a lot of support & information.
Take care
 
Loving/supporting people are awesome----until they're not. What I mean is that yes in general having people who care about us is a good thing, however people always add some sort of stress to our lives. If the stress cup is overflowing, unfortunately people are the first to go because everything else is more important----keeping a job, paying the bills, etc.
 
TX123,
Many of us here are going through similar or identical situation. We all hear the same words: I am not worthy of love; I feel inadequate; I cannot be in a relationship, and I have made peace with it; you deserve better; you should move on; don't wait for me; etc. This is a typical PTSD episode. Give it some time, don't try to push your support on him - this does not work and only makes them to push you away more and to try harder to break up the relationship. Try to relax and just live your life until you have a better understanding of what is happening, but don't try to have discussions or force your help on him. Disengage. You cannot help. Just wait and see. Uncertainty is very difficult, and it is killing us. This is why we need to take care of our own lives while they are figuring out their. Try to look for a support from other supporters. I find that some (many) PTSD sufferers here give advice that is flawed by their PTSD perspective but that supporters seem to be more understanding of what we are going through. In any case, give yourself plenty of time to process what is going on and don;t push yourself too hard.
 
I find that some (many) PTSD sufferers here give advice that is flawed by their PTSD perspective but that supporters seem to be more understanding of what we are going through.

Supporters are more understanding of other supporters, but I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss other sufferers. They can offer insight into what our sufferers may be going through more than any book or any supporter experience.
 
I agree with @Sweetpea76

As a sufferer I can't empathize much with supporters as that's a foreign world to me. I really haven't seen much bad advice from sufferers though. A lot of it is pretty spot on with what we deal with and that which I cannot identify with never really seems out of the realm of possibility with this disorder. I think maybe it's just something that cannot be truly understood unless you have PTSD----- I just ask that sufferers opinions/advice not be written off. We're the only ones who can help give inside perspective/understanding of what we go through. And in the end, complete understanding isn't even really possible so sometimes we (on both sides) need to accept the position of the other side even if we can't understand fully. In my case I need to work on understanding the perspective of a supporter even though I will never fully understand.
 
Supporters are more understanding of other supporters, but I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss other s...
Sure, absolutely, we are all interested in what sufferers feel and what they think. Their point of view is precious and irreplaceable. That is not what I meant. I just noticed that many sufferers often give their PTSD-tainted perspective and advise to everyone to leave their sufferer alone and move on. This is a typical point of view of a sufferer, and we need to know how typical that is to understand our own situations. However, most supporters cannot relate to this advice, because we all are deeply affected by and involved in our situations too, and we are not ready to just move on, for different reasons. I feel that supporters understand this better than sufferers do, and therefore give more practical advice than just to "move on". But I did not mean to dismiss the opinions of sufferers at all, I apologize if my post came across like that. It was just hurtful to me to hear this ever-repeating advice from sufferers over and over again, because I already hear this from my husband regularly. However, it also helped me to understand how typical my situation is, so it was a lot of value to me.
 
I agree with @Sweetpea76

As a sufferer I can't empathize much with supporter...
Eve, absolutely! We all need to work on understanding each other's perspective, and this is why we need to hear both sides. I did not mean to say that Tx should not listen to what sufferers have to say. It is extremely important for the supporters to understand what sufferers feel and think and what they are going through. I learned a lot on this site. Supporters come to the forum in hope to find the ways to help sufferers, to find out what can be done, and to get some tips on how to maintain relationships. This is the focus of our lives, we would not be here if we could just follow our partners' advice to move on with our lives - we would be moving on, not reading the PTSD forums. Sufferers often advise just that - to move on, which obviously not an option for many of us, at least at the present time. I feel that this advice is tainted by PTSD, and, if everyone was following it, then there would be no supporters and no saved relationships. It is an upsetting for a supporter advice, although I do understand that this is how you guys often feel. But the goal of supporters is to make this feeling go away! Every time I hear this advice, I cry, because this advice disregards my feelings, undermines my commitment, and challenges my moral principles. I feel like I am not heard and misunderstood. I just wanted to advise to a new supporter to consider a source to understand the perspective, not to disregard the information that sufferers give us, it is precious.
 
@Olivia2016 I don't understand why you feel that sufferers across the forum are stating "just move on".

I can think of one thread off the top of my head where I advised individual and the couples therapy and advised the exact opposite. I advised that with therapy each can more understand the other, can support the other (as supporters are people to, need support too, need care and love too from their sufferer...and also need self care) and that therapy can help each make the changes needed for both to feel safe to be back together. Actually, Ive advised that in many threads.

In the end, I personally would love to see a supporter that has a sufferer that has left, for that sufferer to come back and for them to have a wonderful healthy relationship. My advise all circles around "what changes can you make and what education do you need for your sufferer to feel safe to come back?"

So Im unsure of where you are seeing a "just move on" across the board unless the relationship was abusive, unhealthy, or in otherwords not a good place to go back to. A supporter can be abusive, unhealthy, etc and this is why I left my ex. A lot of times, sufferers leave for non-PTSD reasons. Just because we have PTSD, that doesnt mean every action we take is due to PTSD.

Maybe you are seeing something Im not but personally Ive dont remember ever telling a sufferer or supporter to "just move on" unless it was an abusive relationship or unhealthy but even unhealthy can possibly be made healthy with therapy.
 
I think most of the advice for supporters to leave or move on comes with a few specific situations.

1). The PTSD sufferer is abusive, dishonest, or cheating... In these cases a lot of it isn't so much about the PTSD as it is basic personality traits.

2). The supporter is making themselves sick and/or codependent and it is a generally unhealthy situation.

3). Their sufferer has left them and ceased any and all communication for an extended period of time. This advice can seem harsh to somebody pining away for their lost love, for sure. A lot of people want it to be just a PTSD symptom that can be overcome, but sadly a lot of times that isn't the case. It happens a lot unfortunately. It can happen to any of us.

4). The PTSD sufferer just isn't healthy enough for a relationship. Again, a reality that sucks for everybody involved.

5). The sufferer has point blank broken up with their supporter, and rather than accepting it for a break up, the supporter has it in their mind that it's just a PTSD thing that will pass. We have even had a few supporters even say their sufferers have accused them of harassment or threatened restraining orders because they cannot leave them be or respect boundaries.

These aren't all the situations where somebody advises leaving, but they're typical.

What people don't consider is perspective. The new supporter comes on here in crisis with a new scary situation, and can feel hurt by perceived coldness. The experienced people giving advice can get frustrated because the same question is asked over and over and over. Sadly, it is pretty much a daily occurrence. I don't think the advice is cold. It's just reality, but it's not what people want to hear.

That's where the "take what you will and leave the rest" comes in.
 
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