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Sexual Assault Report To College?

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Hi all,

I'm a sophomore in college and was in an abusive relationship with someone who goes to my school for about 7 months. He sexually abused me (I think) and I am trying to decide whether to report him.

Long story short, I don't know that I can call what he did to me rape, but he was extremely coercive. I was coming to terms with a past assault when we started dating and wanted to wait to have sex. He apparently did not and employed a number of tactics to convince me to have sex. Some examples: He would punch the wall and storm out, etc. if I asked him to stop during any sort of sexual contact, and I always felt like he would hit me someday (even though he didn't). He would constantly tell me that I was a tease, I was using sex as a weapon, etc. He would make clear that he would leave me if I didn't get over it and have sex with him, etc. It got to the point where I was just afraid of him in general. I wasn't sure when he was going to snap and hit me or snap and kick me out (I was living with him but on no rent....) When I finally broke down and agreed to have sex with him, I sobbed the whole time. He did stop at one point and I told him he could keep going (after saying something like, "I feel like I'm under so much pressure), but only because I was terrified of what the result would be if I didn't let him finish. Things kind of went on like that for months.

Every time I'd bring up how I didn't like how he treated me, he'd bring up my past assault and say that I had a history of making things into something they weren't. (This is pretty weird since my first assailant admitted to assaulting me... it was DEFINITELY assault....) He'd basically talk me out of believing myself and I would stay and put up with it. Now that we're broken up, he's been harassing me when he sees me around and making fairly obvious attempts to intimidate me.

Basically, I don't think I would have a case if I reported to the police, but I feel almost certain that this would be a violation of my university's sexual misconduct policy. If I opened up a disciplinary board case against him and he was found guilty, he would be expelled. I'm trying to decide what to do in light of that.

Honestly, like I said, I don't even know that this is "real rape." Just someone being extremely abusive and coercive. With that in mind, the punishment my university would give seems pretty severe. I wish there were some "in-between" punishment, like making him move off campus and like take a semester off or something, but there isn't. It's all or nothing. I'm not sure what to do. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
 
You'll need an attorney. 2 reasons:

1) Slander &/or libeling another student is also usually against the honor code, and reason for expulsion. The disciplinary board, if they find him innocent, may well sanction &/or expell you in his place. And they have all the evidence they need, purely in their being conviened. Bates University, in the States, is particularly notorious for this (esp, as several of the rapists were found guilty in criminal court but still allowed to attend while awaiting sentencing... But "innocent" in the disciplinary board)... But many universities are known for it. A couple dozen off the top of my head. Ditto, the gross mishandling of reported rape cases where the student sought both medical & criminal pursuit, but it was all handled "in house. (Campus medical, and campus police... Never reported to real medical or real police who could investigate and file charges). It's mostly politics, as crime stats on campus are reported to prospective students/families. It looks "good" to be expelling cheaters, "bullies" (slander & libel), etc. And bad to be expelling rapists. As that admits sexual assault on campus. The universities with the lowest sexual assault stats are usually the most notorious for rampant mishandling and outright rug sweeping.

2) An attorney will not only protect your continued attendance at the school, but gives you a fighting chance of not being the subject of disciplinary review board games (schedule the board in 3 days... 2 weeks into winter vacation, so you don't even get the notice of when it's being held until you've already missed it / case dropped... Amongst many, many, many others).
 
Give me his address? Nothing more tempting for me to punish a guy that preys on women. Or anyone that can't defend themselves, I've been known to drive thousands of miles for this kind of shit.

Guy sounds like a piece of shit. I'd like to meet him. Me and my brother both.
 
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I am so sorry that bastard did this to you. I agree with @FridayJones ; unfortunately, you will need an attorney if you are going to report this to your college. There have been too many cases where the victims got blamed instead of the assailants. I wouldn't want that to happen to you. Also, most university board members or whomever you have to report it to are not trained (well enough) to deal with survivors of sexual abuse.

What he did was rape. Coercing someone in any way to have sex is rape. Whether the coercion is physical (e.g. holding down), emotional (e.g. threatening to kill themselves), or verbal (e.g. threatening to kill you or do other horrible things if you don't comply). There is absolutely no excuse for what that monster did and you would be right to report him, not only to your college, but also to the police. Whether or not you do that, however, is entirely up to you. Whatever helps you feel safest. If it helps you find closure, I would encourage you to report it.

Have you told anyone about what happened? And are you seeing a therapist? I really hope you will have a lot of support from your loved ones. If you want, feel free to message me to talk about it.

If you like hugs: I'm sending you a big one :hug:

Take care.
 
Unfortunately you're in a he-said/she-said situation. The thing is that in these sorts of cases, when there is only your word against his, the case often goes nowhere. You will likely be dragged through the mud in the process. Going in you've got to know that you're strong enough to have your actions in all of this brought into question. You've gotta know that you are strong enough to withstand the process. I'm not saying this to discourage seeking justice, I am saying this because sometimes seeking justice can put us into an even worse place in terms of our healing. Only you know what you're strong enough for, and I hope you make the best decision for YOU.

I've re--read your post, and you may have the best chance with the harassment issue. Get a restraining order ASAP. He is harassing you, intimidating you. If you file with the police first, your university is more likely to take it seriously as the law has already "spoken".
 
Thanks all for your advice and support!

I definitely don't have the money for an attorney, and I can't get one through my family for a variety of reasons. Fortunately my school is one of the better ones when it comes to processing these sorts of disciplinary cases. I know a few people who have been through them with various results, but no one has ever gotten in trouble for libel, slander, etc. I honestly think I could get through it without legal help. That being said, the possibility that he could pursue some sort of civil case against me afterwards is scary. He has money and attorneys in his family, so I wouldn't be surprised if he did.

It's also scary to think about my personal business getting aired. I definitely have a trauma history before any of this and a lot of the poor coping and bad decision making that sometimes accompany that. (Which is, in part, why I ended up with this winner...) He knows all of my skeletons from before we dated and has made sure to let me know that he knows who I've been with since, etc. It would be easy for him to make me look crazy, promiscuous, etc.

I really want to do something to show him how wrong this is and have him see some sort of punishment. He's so convinced that he's done no wrong that I know that he will treat women like this again and again if he believes that he can get away with it. But I am starting to think that the risks and consequences are too much. He is a really scary person, and I know that he will find some way to use this against me and make things worse. I am just not sure I am a strong enough person to stand up to that.
 
I really want to do something to show him how wrong this is and have him see some sort of punishment.
Under the general heading of "we cannot control others' actions, only our own", I'd say that it's not very likely he will be changed by you putting him through this process. I hate to say it, but from the way you've described things, it seems like the truth to me. Try to not think of this in terms of what you want to show him, or what you want him to see/understand. If you really break this down into what you need, it strikes me that a big thing you are after is being seen - validated, almost. You would like this to not be just your secret. Does that at all sound right to you? Or possibly, that you want to tell him how much he has hurt you.

Unless there's a statue of limitations on this with your university requiring that you take action now, I'd really encourage you to do some work with a therapist first, and find out if you can get your needs met somewhat through that work. Opening up something like this with a school is always a can of worms, and if nothing else, it strikes me that you want to feel more grounded in yourself before you take something like that on.
He is a really scary person, and I know that he will find some way to use this against me and make things worse. I am just not sure I am a strong enough person to stand up to that.

I'm glad you can see these actions for what they are, purposeful attempts at keeping you under his thumb:
Now that we're broken up, he's been harassing me when he sees me around and making fairly obvious attempts to intimidate me.
It makes me wonder if your school has something that is not sexual misconduct, but instead is harassment and/or slander/libel?

I really want to be clear - if you want to pursue this, you should pursue it - I'm only responding to the things you've written. Coming forward or not is a very personal decision. What you really need to remember is that coming forward does not automatically mean he changes. People don't change that fast, especially predators.

Thinking of you.
 
You say he is convinced he has done nothing wrong. If that is the case, there is really no way you can change that. You know what kind of people can hurt others and think that's okay? Sociopaths. And you unfortunately cannot talk those people into compassion or regret; the only thing they will be sorry about is getting caught.

What is most important here is what is best for you. As @Solara pointed out, it would be wise to get a restraining order against him. If anything, you should have the chance to heal without having that creep in your life.

:hug:
 
I just wanted to say thanks again to you all for your responses and thoughts. I think that you're all probably right that there isn't going to be a way to make him see that he has done wrong. Even if I won the case against him in the disciplinary board, he would probably just think he had been set up, that I was vindictive and crazy, etc. It might even encourage him to continue abusing women.

@joeylittle , it really struck me when you said:

If you really break this down into what you need, it strikes me that a big thing you are after is being seen - validated, almost. You would like this to not be just your secret. Does that at all sound right to you?

I think you are right, this is what I want. I want this and to feel safe where I live and at my school. I think that having him face some sort of consequence is one way to feel seen and validated, but considering the costs maybe it is not the best way.

I definitely intend to get in with a therapist as soon as I get back to school. That is something I will need whether or not I decide to pursue a case against him. The statute of limitations is the graduation (of the accused.) Unfortunately he is older than me and is going to be graduating in May, so the timeline is a little tight. But it is something that I could definitely bring up with my therapist and chat about. I think my first priority needs to be feeling safe and healthy.

and @Solara and @Snowwhite I agree that a restraining order might be a good idea. I don't think I could get a legal one because I don't have evidence of the harrassment (he's reallllly good at doing this subtly and it tends to happen only in person) and also because we actually and extremely horribly live in the same apartment complex and a restraining order would cause one of us to have to move, and I'm afraid it would be me. I think my university has their own version of a restraining order that is a little more relaxed (would focus on contact, not location) and would result in disciplinary board action if it was violated. I'm a little worried it would cause his behavior to escalate and I would have no way to prove the escalation. But it might be worth a shot.

Again thank you all for your help. You are right, the only things this needs to be about are what is going to make me feel safe and help me heal. I want to focus on that, whatever it is.
 
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