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Repressed Memories: Flashbacks, Doubt & No Chance Of Hypnotherapy

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sezm

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Hi,

I have what seem to be repressed memories from when I was 16. According to my flashbacks, I was raped by my two best friends at a party. I have always known that they at least attempted the rape (being dragged out the front door by your feet, while one's whispering: "don't worry sarah, we won't hurt you that much," does give you the idea that they were intending something), but I had a black 'spot' after that.

As a child, I assumed they'd attempted the rape, but hadn't succeeded. I did, however, suffer terribly from PTSD afterwards. I had no idea why I was reacting so violently to something that hadn't actually happened.

To cut a long story short: Four years later, I started having flashbacks. Flashbacks that showed that, provided some miracle happened to stop them (which as far as I know didn't happen) then they succeeded.

I started seeing a therapist then, but to be honest, I avoided it remembering. I wanted to, but I was too scared. Eventually, I saw a hypnotherapist, who refused to do hypnotherapy until she'd checked me for epilepsy. I was then forced to tell my mother and my father found out.

I love my parents more than anything, but they did not deal with this well. My mother forgot. I had to tell her 7 times. My dad accused me of lying. To this day, I'm not sure whether the rape was more traumatic, or their reaction.

Anyway, it's now 12 years after the rape and I'm still struggling. I don't have epilepsy, but now cannot find anyone in my province that will do hypnotherapy for repressed memories. They all seem to think it's a bad idea and/or don't want to take on the responsibility. I've tried normal counselling, but nothing seems to help.

It took me a long time to get up the courage to be able to say with conviction: "I was raped." A therapist once told me that I could have made up those memories, which set me back a long way. I've been proud of putting that trust in myself and my memories.

And yet I woke up this morning, with a flashback, followed by serious doubt: What if it didn't happen. What if I made all of this up? This scares me more.

I desperately need to remember, but I don't know how. Does anyone have any suggestions, memory tricks, or has anyone been through something similar?? I'm tired of being scared and alone and not having the courage to face my attackers (who are still friends with many of my good friends), because I don't know.
 
I think for the therapist to suggest you "made it up" is a little rude. To me that implies intent to lie, which isn't the case. Our memories aren't 100% accurate. 10 people can watch one thing happen and all 10 people may have a different account of the event, not because they are trying to deceive; it is just how our brains work.

There are major gaps in my teen memories, for a long time I desperately wanted to remember, but I can't. I know there was some trauma but what it is, I don't know. Someone finally gave me some wonderful advice and I apologize if I don't explain this well: It is ok if you can't remember exactly what happened, what matters is that you are suffering from PTSD symptoms. Try to focus on processing your feelings about it, rather than focusing on remembering every gory detail. You feel what you feel regardless of what you remember. Does that make sense?

Again, I will use myself as an example. Since I have shifted my focus from trying to remember what happened to me and focus more on my feeling of shame and low self-worth, I have made tons of progress...that actually just made something click in my head for my own situation :D YAY!

Anywho, I've also read on this site that hypnotherapy isn't a good idea for PTSD. If you search for hypnotherapy on here, you can probably find the threads explaining why. One day you may remember or you may not. Again, the importance is on resolving your feelings about the incident.

I hope this helps at least a little.
 
Hi,

Thank you so much for your response. I thoroughly agree with you, but sadly, after seeing so many therapists, I'm no closer than I was before.

I think that by suggesting I 'made it up' or created the memory, the therapist turned my issues towards making sure that what I remembered was real (and not that I was going bonkers). Since then, although I know I should rather deal with the issues, I've found it impossible to move on.

Every time I try to move on, there is a part of me that doubts everything I do/think/remember, so it once again turns back.

I think if I had some proof that it did happen and that I wasn't creating these memories, I'd be able to move on pretty fast. I was doing so well until that therapist told me I could have created these memories.

I've had a look at the negatives of hypnotherapy (and, boy, are there a lot!), but I still desperately want to go through with it. I've emailed so many hypnotherapists and got someone else's email address today (here's hoping). I'm not sure I'm still suffering from PTSD. I know I did in the days/weeks/months after the trauma, but I think now it's a case of not being able to trust my brain. It's a terrible feeling.

I really appreciate you responding, thank you :)
 
Sezm, I'm so sorry to hear that. Dealing with flashbacks of rape is bad enough without unhelpful family reactions and even less helpful therapists. How dare that therapist suggest that you made it up!

Worrying that it's "all in your head," so to speak, and didn't actually happen seems to be part of PTSD. Often our traumas don't quite seem real, and when those we're looking to for support are questioning it too, well, more fuel on the fire.

The best thing you can do is recognize that doubt is often part of dealing with repressed memories and try not to worry so much about it. The fact that you had PTSD following this event, and that you remember sexual assault happening (even if you don't remember the right moments to definitely say it was rape), should tell you that this is real.

I won't tell you to do hypnotherapy or not do it. That's your choice. It definitely is a hotly debated topic whether or not it's beneficial to bring out trauma memories, regardless of the means. I admit I'm really torn about whether or not I want to have someone help me remember more about my own traumas myself. Personally, I wouldn't choose hypnotherapy, but if a counselling psychologist could coach me through drawing out memories... I'd be tempted.

Good luck!
 
A therapist once told me that I could have made up those memories, which set me back a long way.

That was beyond unprofessional and a very wrong thing to do. Nobody has the right to discount anyone's truth no matter what.
I think if I had some proof that it did happen and that I wasn't creating these memories, I'd be able to move on

I too had (and still have some) repressed memories. I had lost years of my childhood while I lived in a certain house where most of my trauma happened. I struggled for years for tangible proof that I still don't have.

But I remember hearing some where that false memories don't have the feelings etc behind them that real memories have. For example today I saw a black van that triggered me into disociating and panicing. If the memories were not real then the emotions wouldn't be there. Otherwise I can look back at things and remember things inaccurately but i can't make my body have panic attacks or have triggers for no reason. Does that make sense?

In my opinion the fact that you are having flashbacks and emotional distress over these memories is proof that it happened. I too did the "did I make this up or did it really happened" thoughts. My sister has been able to confirm some of what I remembered but I understand that it is pretty normal for the brain try and make things seem unreal as a way to survive when horrible things happen to people.

I know when people told me this it drove me crazy but it really was true. When your able to handle it your body will allow you the memories back. I hope you can take some comfort in this thought as I know do. I am getting my memories back slowly and can now see the wisdom in it.

Hugs if you need them
 
Sezm, another thing to remember is that some memories are just too difficult to handle and that the mind blocks them out for a reason. Is there someone you could talk to that could confirm for you? Perhaps not details, but at least some part of it? What ever you decide, I wish you the best.

Something else to consider, whether you do hypnotherapy or not -- it is important to learn coping and grounding skills before getting into the nitty-gritty of the trauma. It will help to be stronger to handle any feelings or symptoms that arise.
 
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