Hi,
I have what seem to be repressed memories from when I was 16. According to my flashbacks, I was raped by my two best friends at a party. I have always known that they at least attempted the rape (being dragged out the front door by your feet, while one's whispering: "don't worry sarah, we won't hurt you that much," does give you the idea that they were intending something), but I had a black 'spot' after that.
As a child, I assumed they'd attempted the rape, but hadn't succeeded. I did, however, suffer terribly from PTSD afterwards. I had no idea why I was reacting so violently to something that hadn't actually happened.
To cut a long story short: Four years later, I started having flashbacks. Flashbacks that showed that, provided some miracle happened to stop them (which as far as I know didn't happen) then they succeeded.
I started seeing a therapist then, but to be honest, I avoided it remembering. I wanted to, but I was too scared. Eventually, I saw a hypnotherapist, who refused to do hypnotherapy until she'd checked me for epilepsy. I was then forced to tell my mother and my father found out.
I love my parents more than anything, but they did not deal with this well. My mother forgot. I had to tell her 7 times. My dad accused me of lying. To this day, I'm not sure whether the rape was more traumatic, or their reaction.
Anyway, it's now 12 years after the rape and I'm still struggling. I don't have epilepsy, but now cannot find anyone in my province that will do hypnotherapy for repressed memories. They all seem to think it's a bad idea and/or don't want to take on the responsibility. I've tried normal counselling, but nothing seems to help.
It took me a long time to get up the courage to be able to say with conviction: "I was raped." A therapist once told me that I could have made up those memories, which set me back a long way. I've been proud of putting that trust in myself and my memories.
And yet I woke up this morning, with a flashback, followed by serious doubt: What if it didn't happen. What if I made all of this up? This scares me more.
I desperately need to remember, but I don't know how. Does anyone have any suggestions, memory tricks, or has anyone been through something similar?? I'm tired of being scared and alone and not having the courage to face my attackers (who are still friends with many of my good friends), because I don't know.
I have what seem to be repressed memories from when I was 16. According to my flashbacks, I was raped by my two best friends at a party. I have always known that they at least attempted the rape (being dragged out the front door by your feet, while one's whispering: "don't worry sarah, we won't hurt you that much," does give you the idea that they were intending something), but I had a black 'spot' after that.
As a child, I assumed they'd attempted the rape, but hadn't succeeded. I did, however, suffer terribly from PTSD afterwards. I had no idea why I was reacting so violently to something that hadn't actually happened.
To cut a long story short: Four years later, I started having flashbacks. Flashbacks that showed that, provided some miracle happened to stop them (which as far as I know didn't happen) then they succeeded.
I started seeing a therapist then, but to be honest, I avoided it remembering. I wanted to, but I was too scared. Eventually, I saw a hypnotherapist, who refused to do hypnotherapy until she'd checked me for epilepsy. I was then forced to tell my mother and my father found out.
I love my parents more than anything, but they did not deal with this well. My mother forgot. I had to tell her 7 times. My dad accused me of lying. To this day, I'm not sure whether the rape was more traumatic, or their reaction.
Anyway, it's now 12 years after the rape and I'm still struggling. I don't have epilepsy, but now cannot find anyone in my province that will do hypnotherapy for repressed memories. They all seem to think it's a bad idea and/or don't want to take on the responsibility. I've tried normal counselling, but nothing seems to help.
It took me a long time to get up the courage to be able to say with conviction: "I was raped." A therapist once told me that I could have made up those memories, which set me back a long way. I've been proud of putting that trust in myself and my memories.
And yet I woke up this morning, with a flashback, followed by serious doubt: What if it didn't happen. What if I made all of this up? This scares me more.
I desperately need to remember, but I don't know how. Does anyone have any suggestions, memory tricks, or has anyone been through something similar?? I'm tired of being scared and alone and not having the courage to face my attackers (who are still friends with many of my good friends), because I don't know.