Hi Everybody,
My wife and kids are out of town this week. I’m at our house alone. This past Saturday, I was feel very lonely. The neglect and abandonment in my story being severely triggered. I got drunk and beat myself up. I beat my ass with a board and did a whole bunch of other humiliating things to my body. I woke up 5 hours after I started drinking with bruises all over my body, the house was a mess. I pulled the bathroom vanity and a towel bar out of the wall! I found chicken and a bottle of wine in the hallway. I was crazy black out drunk. At one point I remember passing out naked in in our shower and falling face first into the tile. Didn’t end up bruising my face too bad though, but I did flood our bathroom floor with water. I feel like the alcohol totally collapsed all my defenses to my self-abusive thoughts and it is pretty damned scary. The last two nights I’ve stayed with friends, not wanting to be by myself at night. I talked to my therapist and he said it really just sounds like more of the same patterns just with the added element of alcohol. I’ve really only been drunk one time before nearly 10 years ago. Clearly I don’t handle my liquor well!
Anyway, it’s ironic because all this self-punishment just makes me feel like I deserve to be punished more. It is a self-destructive cycle and I don’t want to participate in it any longer. Whether it is spanking or biting or withholding care from myself, or the constant verbal and mental abuse I give myself; I don’t deserve this treatment. I want to stop. I managed to make it to church the next morning, was feeling so ashamed. I wore long pants and sleeves to cover the bruises. I sat in the back. The sermon was on Proverbs 24:16, “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he will rise again.”
My wife and kids are out of town this week. I’m at our house alone. This past Saturday, I was feel very lonely. The neglect and abandonment in my story being severely triggered. I got drunk and beat myself up. I beat my ass with a board and did a whole bunch of other humiliating things to my body. I woke up 5 hours after I started drinking with bruises all over my body, the house was a mess. I pulled the bathroom vanity and a towel bar out of the wall! I found chicken and a bottle of wine in the hallway. I was crazy black out drunk. At one point I remember passing out naked in in our shower and falling face first into the tile. Didn’t end up bruising my face too bad though, but I did flood our bathroom floor with water. I feel like the alcohol totally collapsed all my defenses to my self-abusive thoughts and it is pretty damned scary. The last two nights I’ve stayed with friends, not wanting to be by myself at night. I talked to my therapist and he said it really just sounds like more of the same patterns just with the added element of alcohol. I’ve really only been drunk one time before nearly 10 years ago. Clearly I don’t handle my liquor well!
Anyway, it’s ironic because all this self-punishment just makes me feel like I deserve to be punished more. It is a self-destructive cycle and I don’t want to participate in it any longer. Whether it is spanking or biting or withholding care from myself, or the constant verbal and mental abuse I give myself; I don’t deserve this treatment. I want to stop. I managed to make it to church the next morning, was feeling so ashamed. I wore long pants and sleeves to cover the bruises. I sat in the back. The sermon was on Proverbs 24:16, “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he will rise again.”