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Relationship Roller Coaster Relationship

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J

John_Doe

Hello!

I found this forum last week, and I want to tell you my story, in order to get any piece of advice/support.

I'm dating with my girlfriend (we both 24) for an year and a month now, and we are about to marry. However, when time goes, it feels more and more hard for me to deal with her PTSD and depression (or bipolar), and I feel like a mess...

I feel that our relationship is like a roller coaster, it is NOT boring at all, but it is hard as well. She is a wonderful girl, very clever and she loves me, for sure I love her. I am trying to give her the best support I can, I really TRY, and she telling me she appreciates it (when she is in her good mood). She stopped with her pills, as she told me, thanks to me, and she doesn't want to take them regularly because she don't want to sleep all the time. She tells me that I'm the only person who can rescue her, and help her to deal with it. However, when I'm looking back to our relationship - things aren't better at all (she thinks they are, maybe). She suffers from mood changes, aggression (she is not violent), she tells me to leave her because I'm bad, but 5 mins after it she cries and tells me she cannot live without me, she asks me not to leave her alone as she will die. She told me that when we marry and have children things will be better, and that is the only thing she needs to be better.

But from my perspective, I will not write everything that happens (because it will take so long and you will be bored to read my post), I'm finding myself in a total pressure. When she is not in her good mood, she always aggressed, depressed, wants to die, blaming me that I cannot understand her and will leave her, she doesn't trust me. I cannot hang out with my friend, or come home even 1 time per month late, because it is a scandal that I abandon her, left her alone, she doesn't allow me to let her get sleep alone (I don't want to sleep without her, but sometimes I want to see my friends and hangout with them) we had a lot of talks about it, and I feel gilt all the time. On the on hand, she tells me OK, go have a great time, but 1 hour after, she calls and does a great scandal. She is always depressed when I'm not near her, and she wants me to be there 24/7 otherwise she tells me I'm leaving her and don't understand and support her problems. Sometimes, she may just tell me - don't come to me, I want to be alone, and if I'm coming I'm bad because I don't support her privacy, and if I don't come I'm even worst - and she can just go out of home and do 'crazy' things, write me that I left her alone, and the next day just cry and apologize and I forgiving her. I cannot do things I love with her, because she is not used to them, and when I try to do them - I'm always leaving her... I understand that she cannot be without me for the hole day or two if I want to go for trip or something, because she really afraid, BUT I believe that we should have our own space, and it is impossible, she accepts it theoretically, but when it comes to business it just doesn't work. I've found a therapy for her, get used to her mood changes, her depression, taking care of her and try to be always near her...

A friend of mine, told me, that I have changed... That I'm not as was before meeting her, I'm more depressed myself. I don't do my hobbies or see friends (as I can do them only after a work, and that means she needs to go to sleep without me once a week-month). When I try to think with a cold mind I understand that this situation would not be changed for the hole life, I will be always a supporter and a care taker in this relationship, and I just cannot do it like this, because when I see a regular couples, their life is totally different, and much more happy... But, when I see her, my heart tells me that I'm such an egoist and taking care of someone you love is a part of the life, and how can you leave this wonderful woman just because she is sick (all her problems are because she is sick) and you should accept is and live with it even if it hurts you, because you are getting her love and her care too (she is a very good woman).

So... I am a bit stuck here... Just one thought comes to my mind, if she leaves me - it is OK, I will be OK, but if I leave her - I will regret it whole my life because I left her because of her problems and she will not be OK.

Thanks for your time.
 
You need to run now... seriously, I'm not kidding you -- you're over your head and in deep shit if you marry this women, let alone have kids with her. Things are not going to get better with marriage or kids -- only worse.

She has massive personality problems, codependency and worse -- borderline personality traits. She needs to seek professional help. As much as you may want to help her, you cannot, not as her partner.

Run now... for yourself more than anything. If she kills herself, that is not your fault either. Her guilting you into being with her, stating she will kill herself -- borderline, narcissistic, codependent, developmental trauma traits.

What you explain is so far beyond your scope -- I'm surprised you're not in the shrinks office yourself. Seriously -- escape now and think of yourself. This is only going to get worse if you continue that relationship.
 
So... I am a bit stuck here... Just one thought comes to my mind, if she leaves me - it is OK, I will be OK, but if I leave her - I will regret it whole my life because I left her because of her problems and she will not be OK.

We don't leave people because of their good traits!!! We leave people because of their problems.

Those problems aren't universal. What is a problem for us, may be a good trait for someone else. Your friends are right, Anthony is right, you've gotten so twisted up in the last year that you're staying for the wrong reasons. Like a battered spouse blames themselves for being hit, instead of the person hitting them. You're staying for reasons to leave. Hon, that's backwards. And it's only going to get worse, not better, over time.

Don't walk. Run.
 
Sometimes, it takes someone who suffers one or more mental illnesses to understand another. But, on the flipside, living with someone who has severe personal afflictions can be exhausting. My ex had severe depression and ocd. While I could understand her feelings, it was sometimes very difficult to cope with my own personal demons, and hers as well at the same time, because people with ocd often require constant support. You need to set personal boundaries with your girlfriend, and let her know that if she crosses them too much too often and smothers you, the relationship will fail. If you can somehow meet 50/50, things will get easier. Good luck
 
Yes, I understand.. That is exactly what my mind tells me to do... However, just few days ago I talked with the therapist I found for her, he told me that she may feel better after a few more meetings...
I understand, and that is what she telling me as well, I'm her only hope to get over it, only with me she sees the light... So running a way is a very hard decision for me... However, it may sounds like a logical thing to do for myself - but what about her? She will not going to continue therapy without me...
 
This isn't love, it's manipulation. The support you are offering her is unfortunately encouraging her selfishness, she is refusing to grow up, refusing to do anything that will help her own situation.

This isn't PTSD. If anything, PTSD sufferers push people away at times, they isolate themselves and suffer in silence majority of the time!

You stated you would be okay if you leave, then you should leave. Never stay with anyone out of guilt or pity, because it's only going to fuel her power over you that she already has! You have to leave for your own sanity. Not only will you grow in resent, but you are wasting your life on this relationship that is simply going nowhere and never will. And within time, you will start to develop these same traits as her and a vicious cycle or pattern will start occurring!

Get out while you can, this is a toxic relationship. You should never be held responsible for any bad or suicidal choice she makes. Walk away. Believe me, it is only going to get worse, I know relationships like this only too well and they never end well!
 
Most of the time, it is a bluff. I had a girlfriend about 10 years ago that threatened suicide every time I told her I was fed up with her and her family's drama. I finally cut the cord, and she never did anything to herself. People say that suicide is the coward's way out, and that statement it very untrue. It take a tremendous amount of courage to swallow a handful of pills or put a gun to your head and actually pull the trigger. Humans are hardwired to survive, and it is very difficult to override that survival instinct. There must be severe and overwhelming pain present to push someone to real suicide. I have been hospitalized three times for being suicidal. It is a darkness that is very serious and few can really understand. She shouldn't use it as a tool to force you to stay in her life. Guilt trips are cheap and unfair.
 
Hi all,

Thanks for your answers and tips... It is very important for me to hear your opinion.
Regarding the PTSD, only 2 days ago she had a lot of 'flashbacks', she just locked her self in a room and cut herself... When I tried to come and hug her, or talk with her, she just shouted at me and told me she doesn't need any help at all now. I told her that :"I'm only trying to help her deal with her flashbacks, and what doest she want instead of my help to comeback and did crazy things? " She answered me yes, you can just go away, that is what you want, so bye. I took my things and went away, but only 5 mins after she called me and asked to comeback to her, what I did. She explains that she behave this way because of her flashbacks thats killing her, but anyway when I'm near it is my easy and she is not scared.
She told me, that she is OK with me to hangout and go with my friends sometime till late, but not now as she is in her bad period, when it will over, she maybe feel better and it will maybe be possible.

I understand it, and excuse her, because all this comes out of her flashbacks and depression, however it doesn't make it easier for me...
 
Hi all,

Thanks for your answers and tips... It is very important for me to hear your opinion.
Regarding the PTSD, o...
She needs to be hospitalized for professional treatment. Her issues are beyond what help you are able to provide. I hope she seeks help, and things work out for you both.
 
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