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Running In Circles- Deeper I Go, The Faster I Lose Myself

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Veerto

New Here
I'm not really sure where to begin so I am just going to cut right to it. When I was 15 I was the passenger in head-on automobile crash with a telephone pole at 70 mph. Unscathed, coming out of it with only a bruised lung.
When I was 18, about a month after graduating high school, I was sexually assaulted by an employee at a popular fast food breakfast/coffee place (cannot legally disclose name). It was luckily caught on tape, and I went to court and settled.
I grew up with what has taken me a while to realize, great parents, but had a lot of emotional trauma growing up. They were divorced when I was 18 months old, and had a vile relationship for about 20 years or more. They had joint custody and I would see my father (eventually stepmom/siblings came around) every Wednesday and every other weekend and my mom for the rest for 14 years of my life until I went to live with my mother, who has been a full time working, single mother for 24 years. I switched schools about 7 times from elementary to high school, and have moved about ten times before turning 18.
I ran away when I was 13 for one week before being caught by detectives. And later that year I ran away for three nights and came home because the person I was with wanted to go back.
I started drinking and smoking weed at 14 and at 15 starting tripping on robitussin a few times a week for about 6 months, and after that once and a while until I was 16. When I was 16/17 I started doing emense amounts of extacy, coke and basically what ever I could get my hands on. I was into long weekends, with no sleep, pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion on purpose.
Fast forward, I am 24, 6 years after my last and most traumatic experience (other than evading a robbery) and I have never felt so disassociated and out of control. Or maybe I have. But I need help. I can't cope in a healthy way. I make no changes and I see no results. I make excuses for my irrational decisions, and it's starting to affect someone I hold so dear in my heart who entered my life two years ago. I'm sure that what I need is change. Thanks for your time.

I realize how disconnected some of the sentences are. There are a lot of holes in what I'm saying, it's just a bit too thick to type, especially because my immediate memory is terrible.
 
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Change is one thing I can solely depend upon (if nothing else 100% of time) in my life. If you decide to continue to get honest with yourself, I see change a comin' and as @Ronin said already we can learn ****loads on how to change ourselves and become healthier and healthier one second, one minute, etc. at a time. I too as @Ronin shared - believe in you, as well.
 
I'm not really sure where to begin so I am just going to cut right to it. When I was 15 I was the passen...
Hi Veerto Thanks for the post. Welcome to this forum. You gave a good over view of your life. It took a lot of courage to come here and let all that out . it is 3 in the morning and I haven't slept tonight so I hope I make sense. I can relate to a lot you have said, many things the same with me also. You came to a good place with lots of good, caring, supportive people. I hope you well be comfortable here talking about what ever you need to.
I'm new here also. I went back into therapy after a 17 year absence and registered here the same day. That also was my 62 birthday last month. My abuse started before I started school and continued until I put a stop to it when I was 22. Through those years I did much the same as you only I was known as the drunken paper boy at around 12. the drugs started around then too. By the time I was 15 I was into hard drugs.
I'm still thankful Heroin made me too sick that I couldn't use it. 1970 was the year Crystal Meth came to town. That was the drug for me, that and Speed I forgot everything that troubled me until I got hooked then the only thing I could think of was how to get more. I would do anything for it, didn't care about anything or any body at this time it was me and drugs. I was sent to Adult Prison at 17. That experience really save my life. When I got out I didn't get back into hard drugs I started to drink more heavy as time went on. I had multiple head injuries one just about killed me. But hey I'm still here 40 years later I have beaten the odds I think being still alive. I suffer from CPTSD and I am physically disabled. I don't drink very much any more. I use cannabis mostly today.
Again thanks for the post and welcome. It took courage to take that big step to come here and tell your story.
I'm around lots as I isolate at home. If you need to talk i'm willing to listen. I also need to keep talking.
Peace Be safe
 
Well, that's something you can learn (or at least I'm told.)

So: Do you know what healthy is & do you hav...

Your words mean a lot, especially that last paragraph.

I really have no idea how to peel myself out of my comfort zone. I fall so easy to my fears. I see the other side, I see the changes I could be making, like seeking a therapist for the first time in 6 years. I have spouts of greatness (sure I'm not alone in that) but my triggers are so hard to pin down anymore.
I feel like I also lack physical exercise. But again it's near impossible when I have these immense fears and to do it on my own. Sometimes I feel like I have taken the easy way for my entire life and at it's just a cop out. This is years of not listening to myself.
 
Hi Veerto Thanks for the post. Welcome to this forum. You gave a good over view of your life. It took a...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your words are inspiring, and I am glad that you were able to pull yourself back up after years of trauma. Denial is a tricky bitch, and our brain loves cop outs. Our brains are real jerks sometimes quite frankly. I will be sure to reach out. It's really nice to know I will not be exaughsting anybody with my feelings here.
 
Your words mean a lot, especially that last paragraph.

I really have no idea how to peel myself out of...
Hi Veerto Good to see you here. Did you sleep last night? I hope you did. Myself not much if any. Again
if can relate to most you have said. I do agree also that it is time for therapy. Triggers have been hard for me to nail down. I think new ones start out of the blue or I don't recognize them as triggers yet( don't know what triggers me) I also lack physical exercise I was walking mostly before the weather turned in October. I have not done much since. I did go swimming at the lake a bit last summer. I haven't gone swimming in a lot of years before so I hope to get out again this year. I have a walking and swimming buddy and he know l'm f*** up he is one of the few people that still come and not be judgemental. Denial is tricky then add brain injury and who knows where this can go.
Thanks for your kind words and thanks.
Peace be safe
 
My story is so similar. I'm 39, and was a hobbit running away from the abuse, and problems that the stupid ring of self destruction brought me. I'd put it on when I would do drugs for a few months then take it off after the bad guys found me. Then another drug (mainly drinking with anorexia) and another adventure till the bad guys, or times found me. And then I put it on with natural herbs until the it screwed up my body. I put the ring on with perscription psychmeds and that was straight into mordor for me. Then sober, isolated and lost as usual inbetween hobbit adventures. So on, and so forth.
I smoked pot for a decade after my initial journey started until that stopped working this past year. The best thing that helped the most stoned, or sober was therapy, sleep, and taking care of not only my body, but also my mind. I was horribly codependent before therapy, and that was a huge problem. I put myself through hell for every trauma, and got raped a few times along the way (wasn't the worst trauma, but it was part of the collection I created along the way).
I didn't love myself, and predators took advantage of it. I made a mess of dating as I never told them about myself, or ptsd. I ran amuck inbetween periods of collecting myself before the next adventure, and mission I was on.
I wish I wouldn't have, but I had more wild puppy energy than most young pups. Always chasing my tail, and not knowing it was I that had the future in my hands in each presant moment.
I wish I would have gotten my degree at your age with less battle scares in my heart. But I did, and I still have a blast; just more responsible now. I am in school at the ripe age of 39, and have no kids, or family of my own to look out for.
Therapy is so important. Just having someone to check in with, and be honest with is a big deal. I'm inbetween therapist now, and working on getting more stable now as I dropped that damn ring off in the lake of the past. It's been tough, but I'm more responsible now, and have no blocked memories from my childhood, and life.
I'm glad your here. You fit right in. Keep posting as you'll find this site can give you a great support group with internet friends. It gets better, and be glad your young enough to really kick the worlds ass still. Your not alone.
;)
 
I'm not really sure where to begin so I am just going to cut right to it. When I was 15 I was the passen...
Are you in a position to attain therapy? Because without therapy it is a lot tougher for sure. Be patient with yourself mostly and concentrate on how you can get better, it is a beautiful thing when a person will give you the time and patience to get better again. You will know who really cares about you that shows you the patience that you deserve. It is actually a great test for all of the people around you. The real friends, the real partners don't abandon you, but the abusers or selfish ones sure will.
 
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