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Scapegoating In The Family And Its Consequence.

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Gizmo, is it possible that you feel so bad and guilty for what happened to your sister, that you feel like you need to continue having her in your life because you want to help her and maybe even rescue her?

I know that I have a similar thing with my little brother. I know something happened to him when he was a child...and we both know it was something sexually abusive. He can't remember what happened, but he just takes drugs to drown it all out, and I've hung in there for years waiting for him to choose to start looking at it...but he's just not going to, and in the meantime I've exposed myself to his poisonous behavior.

I think a part of me feels guilty that I wasn't able to protect him or something. Since I was the one who was always made to blame for whenever he got hurt or in trouble, it makes sense that I would.

Maybe this is similar to you and your sister?
 
thank you Philipia I think you are right. I just feel so sorry for her. I make excuses for her. I think I am trauma bonded to her which would explain why I am still attached. I do not get it. I think I am nuts for hanging in.

But from now on I will focus on her actions andnot her words. I feel guilty that I was not able to protect her. It has to end it is driving me crazy. I need to release her to herself. Sink or swim time for her. This has been so helpful. You have helped me so much. I really appreciate it so much.
 
Yeah, think of it like this...you are both adults now and you are not responsable for her. You are only responsable for yourself and your own well-being, and if she is jeopardizing that then it is not your problem what happened to her that made her this way. What happened happened. It's up to her to address her issues, just as it is up to you to address yours and move towards being empowered.

If she chooses not to do this, then by you holding on and trying to help her, apart from hurting yourself in the process, you are also not helping her but enabling her to continue on the same as always because she knows she can get what she needs from you.

You are actually not helping her at all, and you aren't helping yourself. Allow her the respect enough to be autonomous and start empowering herself instead of always having someone to fall back on. That's the only way she will ever start to reach for wellness.
 
Wow so true, all of it. I do not want to enable her. She really does need to hit bottom and if this will not do it nothing will. Thank you so much for being honest with me. I so appreciate it. I do not want to her to keep on using me to meet her needs to stay afloat. I am getting such a clear picture of her now and I do not like what i see. It is a very sick and destuctive relationship. I will remember that she is snake. She calls me to feel better and it is draining to me.

I am so glad I have been talking about it. I feel a new empowerment. I actually feel stronger. I will set some new boundries now. If she does not like it tough. She is an adult and very capable of taking care of herself. She is not that little girl needing so much help.
 
It's almost like they are saying, see how good I am, how can you not think that.

Hi Britt,

:laugh: I laughed because your this saying reminded me of something I used to love on TV show very long ago. In this story, there lived a evil man who used to tell everyone and make everyone forced to worship himself as god. Whoever denied him as god, he would kill them. He killed everyone children, women and men. But one day one kid stood against him and told him god lives in air and you're here as human being. You can't be bigger than god and will never be. This evil man felt defeated and from there his downfall started. In the end he was killed who was going for immortality.

You're right they are showing their insecurities to us. They can't stand that we don't worship them blindly and they can't control us.

This thing must be making you stay away from your sister. It's bad for them.
 
Dear Shellbell,
I felt if I didn't do everything they wanted, they would leave me.
I have been here many times. I lived this way for 20 years. Now I have stopped it. I do grieve sometimes I wasted 20 years behind pleasing those people who never thought of me, never cared for me. Never though how I am feeling and never give me a chance to be listened in conversations with them. I think, something is due now and my time is up now. I will be moved on from this all soon. it's been enough and fulfilled. It is their choice now. It is their fault that they don't choose to grow more. I don't care, all respect and love has been gone from my heart. I don't reckon them as my family members anymore.

It's ok that you're grieving. But know what you have become now. You are here to grow more and know more. I think at some point in past, you must have wanted to be grow more and gain more knowledge. didn't you? You are caring and considerate human being.

You're trying to take care of yourself. You're putting yourself first. I don't know how I am saying this, but clearly I feel it.
it's too late.
No, you're never late. Never.

Big hug :hug:
 
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