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Scary Experience, Assuming Dissociation

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Poofycat

MyPTSD Pro
It was my friends bachelorette party this weekend and something really scary happened on Saturday. We had drinks and dinner on Friday, and while it was stressful attending because I didn't know most of the people, I had a plan and left when I started to fell uncomfortable, like I was starting to dissociate. Made it home ok, although I felt really uncomfortable in the cab I took from the train station to my house.

I was pretty exhausted on Saturday, but I managed to go to the party that evening. The plan was to have drinks and take out sushi at my friends house, then they would go out dancing and I would head home. I got there at about 8:30 and was pretty hungry. There was a meat and cheese plate but sushi was never ordered. I had some wine while everyone else was drinking cocktails. We started playing a card game and were all sitting around a table. Then they pulled an envelope of drugs out (like coke and molly) and passed it around. I didn't take any, but it made me feel even more uncomfortable than I already was. Next think I know I'm waking up Sunday morning in my house. I was wearing my pajamas, and I had hung up my coat and turned the porch light off and put my shoes away before going to bed. I check my phone and see I took an uber home from a different part of the city from where my friend lives, and my ride started at 12:30am. My point is, I completely blacked out but it wasn't because I was drunk. I had a headache and was starving but I didn't feel hungover. I'm not sure why I didn't just leave when the drugs came out, other than I had a plan, but the evening didn't go to plan, and I wasn't organized enough to deal with it.

Anyone else had an experience like this? I'm guessing dissociative amnesia, but really have no idea. I've emailed my therapist but haven't heard back from him yet.
 
I lose time. Most of my first year of therapy I don't remember because I would "sound and act like a 4year old" according to my therapist, but I would have no memory of that. I would generally lose time before therapy, so I would always have to rush to get ready. My therapist said I was really dissociated.

This was the norm for me, but it is frightening to lose time like that. I'm glad you emailed your therapist. Have you asked your friend about what happened at the party? Sort of like, "I must have had more wine than I thought and things are fuzzy, how did it go?" Then she won't know you lost time. I'm glad you made it home ok, and I hope your therapist has some answers.
 
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Me too @City Slicker!

Thanks for your comment @DharmaGirl. I'm just learning about dissociation, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better! My husband told a mutual friend who also came to the party to keep an eye on me. I texted her the next morning to complain about not eating dinner. Apparently we all went to a club and I just disappeared at one point. She didn't say anything about me acting strange, and I'm too scared to ask right now.

Now I'm really nervous about going to the wedding! It's in San Miguel de Allende so who knows what could happen! Luckily the house we're staying at there is close to the venue.
 
I've lost time too. I don't think I act any different in these periods as no one has commented, but like you I was too afraid to ask.
 
This has happened other times? You're sure you didn't ingest any drugs? Alcohol can increase dissociative symptoms, even if you only drink a bit. So, glad you mentioned to your therapist and hopefully you can explore more. If you are dissociative, probably best to avoid alcohol and even being around people who are doing hard drugs (not sure if that's common in your group of friends...but that whole thing would mess up my shaky reality, I'm sure).

I don't lose time but I do have episodes of derealization, depersonalization, and just very bubble-like dissociation (everything gets shut out except sounds, for example). Getting somewhere predictable and doing familiar things, or being around familiar people, is helpful. Super high people? Chaotic situations? Not helpful.
 
I am dissociative and am still getting a handle on what types of situations trigger me. Male voices are a big one, so I thought I would be safer at a bachelorette party. Avoiding alcohol is a little tricky since my husband is a wine importer, but I can normally recognize the dissociation kicking in, like I did on Friday night, and remove myself from the situation. I think my big problem was that my plan was to leave after eating dinner. We didn't eat dinner, so I never got my cue to leave. I obviously have no way of knowing for sure if I did drugs, but I don't think so based on how I felt the next morning. If I had known they would be doing harder drugs I definitely wouldn't have gone. It's not common with my friends. Hindsight...

My therapist emailed me back. He's going to give me a call in about an hour. I'll report back.
 
I'm a bit worried about you. I'm so glad you made it home ok! I agree with @Chava that it may be best to avoid alcohol as it makes things unsafe for you. I am unable to have any at all. At first it stinked to be the sober one who wasn't drinking, but anymore it doesn't make a difference to me one way or another. No alcohol is a small price to pay to be rid of a few bad symptoms.
 
It sounds to me like you're not in any danger right now, and that you're doing the right things. It also seems that you understand how you got into the situation, and are being realistic about whether you could have anticipated it. If I was your therapist, I'd ask you a bunch of questions at this point, but you have a therapist, and it sounds like you've got a positive relationship with that therapist.

So it sounds like you're doing the best possible stuff, given the situation.
 
I had a good conversation with my therapist, he confirmed that it was a form of dissociation. He said that even though I don't remember it, I still executed my plan and got home safely. Going to cut out alcohol completely until I'm more stabilized. I explained that I've pretty much quit drinking since Jan 1 except for special occasions and he mentioned that this could actually leave me feeling more raw, so more susceptible to being triggered.

I told my husband what happened and it actually made him cry! I thought he was going to be mad at me, although I have no idea why I thought that. I've never try to explain dissociation stuff to him before, so I guess it was probably rather shocking. He checked with the friend who was with me that night and she said I was actually totally normally. I got a bit grumpy at the end then left. So that's reassuring.
 
I'm just learning about dissociation, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better!

One thing here... (Apart from the natural; try & count every blonde or VW or whatever you see, & all of a sudden it will seem like you're awash on blondes/VWs/etc. / simply becoming aware of a thing? Makes one more aware of a thing!)... If I'm thinking a lot about disassociation? It can trigger it. I would say bit of a Catch22... Except if this happens with you? You can use it. To learn what at least one form of it feels like coming on and to back away / get grounded & present.
 
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