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Secondary Traumatization: Scared To Talk, SUDS, Rape

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Nishkaa

Confident
I'm trying to stick with the principle of being present to my self. Right now I am sensing some anxiety, and I don't understand how anxiety is not related to ptsd? I sense my heart rate is up a bit, can feel some tears behind my eyes, stomach feels a bit knotted. I am trying to breathe mindfully. I'm noticing some sinus discomfort, nose and throat and swallowing seems difficult. A bit shakey and I'm noticing pain in my wrists. I'm going to get up and have a glass of water. Probably I'm over-tired too. I'm experiencing a headache right now, so I think I shall cease and desist.

Recovering I think and listening to my fears. I feel upset that I don't have access to a psychotherapist, nor trauma therapist, but I'm quite certain my PTSD is real. I had trouble in highschool with things like focus. I went to the guidance counsellor about it and I was referred to the hospital to be assessed, by yes, a pscyhiatrist. Diagnosis at that time was "delayed situational response", "due to failure to mourn my father's death". Home was very unstable at that time, so when I saw a clinical social worker, a lot of the focus I think was on coping with my mom's behaviours; her outbursts of rage, violence and 'melo-dramatics'.

The health care system sucks here, when it comes to ptsd treatment. Local hospital has an "Anxiety Disorders" clinic, but it doesn't treat ptsd. And it's been very frustrating to be denied help, and I've worked so hard to try to find some. I've had it for a long time, even before it was diagnosed by another psychiatrist 10 years ago or so. I know now, looking back at things. I was raped in highschool, acquaintance rape-- I was able to fight partially, but it wasn't working, and I shut down. There was a dialogue going on in my head as it was happening, a child voice, an adolescent, a protector, and a non-violent one. These are things I've been able to piece together by flashbacks and remembering. I denied that it was a rape, till 6 months later, I burst in tears in front of some friends (had a few beers too). The next boyfriend, I had horrible flashbacks and constriction/freezing, so I wasn't on equal standing-- I didn't understand that it was ptsd, I just understood that I was fkd up. And I was also treated as such. I didn't seek counselling for a while, cause I was ashamed. I thought, 'oh well, I must be a whore'. Stayed in that abusive relationship for two years.

I went off topic. Secondary Traumatization is about the many times of abandonment in my life, post-trauma, and also me abandoning my self I guess. And it's a persistent pattern, and because of multiple traumatizations, it's too much to write about all in one spot. The system where I live does not support ptsd survivors. I've pleaded everywhere for help, have had to endure repeated abandonment when I'm in crisis. Waitlists are long, cutbacks in care. I waited a year, post-rape for "emergency crisis counselling" (when it happened again, down the road, at university, and I just totally froze-- I was put down, there was verbal, mental emotional abuse preceeding it, and i didn't get myself to safety, I dissociated, disappeared). I feel pretty sad right now, and so it's a good time to stop.
 
First lesson learned: I can't edit the title nor the post, unless done within 20 minutes of posting? Okay, I am learning.

I better keep more alert. I was thinking of removing most of my post actually, as sometimes I disclose something that just flows out of me, and then I regret or panic about having disclosed. This is good though, because the exercise can be asking myself that extra question before I post something, "are you really sure you want to post that?". And maybe I should be writing on a notepad first, then sit with it, then decide whether or not to post it.

SUDS is an acronym for "Subjective Units of Distress Scale"; just as PTSD is an acronym for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I've read about the "SUDS" tool before and I'm trying to figure out how I can modify that for my own usage.

For example, in this case, I was aware of feeling some physical symptoms of anxiety/hyperarousal, which could predispose me to flashbacks, flooding, dissociation? At the end of what I wrote, I felt really tired and needed to rest. I get brief suicidal thoughts/impulses, just a flash of it, which I think is just from an earlier habit of trying to shut down when I feel overwhelmed. It was not too bad, compared to how I've experienced that symptom in the past. I know not to act on it, nor feed that kind of thinking. I the past, that symptom used to be really difficult, sometimes leading me to be very frozen, almost 'catatonic' for several hours. I also seem to get these side physiological problems which I've heard also occur with prolonged stress, ptsd, where I really feel physically ill and infact become slightly incapacited (a run to the toilet . . . and again, and again ;-)).

Anyway, I'm going to try to fetch some more information on the Subjective Units of Distress Scale and see if I can learn something from it. I have a general idea that I started off as a "7" maybe, I don't know what comes before or after. I pushed myself a bit, because I felt a bit frozen up. I told myself to just, 'take the plunge'. I'll take a short break though and see if I can practice some self-care, even get a load of laundry going. I still feel really tired and my neck feels sore now, arthritis in my fingers too. I'm trying to practice more body awareness; I'm trying to integrate some skills I'm learning.
 
Talking to myself today-- it's really okay. I can understand how what I wrote could be triggering for others and I myself have had to avoid posts which were triggering when I was already feeling triggered and needing to tend to my own care to manage overwhelment. It was a lot to lay down for a just arriving here, sort of thing. It slipped out while I was trying to tune myself in to what this CPTSD is about for me-- these darn little fragments. It bothers me that my mind is like this, and I want to be able to get a handle on it. I over-strive sometimes towards this goal, perhaps more than what is better for me to be doing.

I will say that I'm feeling much better right now. I got over the 'regrets', the 'ooops, I posted that', cause really it's out there now and I can't take it back. I'm not sure about how to self-regulate. It seemed okay to do at the time, but something else is going on there, re: depersonalization, a slight disconnect, I think. I'll have to figure this out. Disclosing with the intention to heal, confront it, be fearless vs. over-doing it, not using better judgment, but at the same time, safer here to express, and I spare others in my lifeworld from listening to me, sound off this really harsh stuff ;-)

I think I like this rule about attending to grammar, because I think it does increase some mindfulness, which can be good at protecting myself from dissociating. Maybe I learn more about how to work with that. While considering editing on grammar, to also take that time to consider whether I feel safe enough about disclosing what I've written to others out there.

I'm feeling good about this forum, because already I'm noticing, just by the rules on here, I think it's having a more positive affect on me. I think I'm communicating more clearly than my normal habits of scribbling things down, going crazy, over-doing it and dissociating badly. I still need to go back to learn more about the SUD-scale thing, which I didn't get around to doing yet, but with this up there, it's a reminder to do so and follow through on that.

I got through today okay, despite earlier triggers. I can be glad for those smaller accomplishments. I feel good that I met another person here with CPTSD and just to be able to relate to another person who's going through this, is really amazing. I am hopeful that if I just work a little bit on this day to day, a little bit at a time, I'll move forward. Somehow, I want to be able to consolidate my knowing, be specifically aware of my triggering, emotional flashbacks (which really confuse me) and keep clear about that. I've made some tiny steps towards some progress, since I was able to get a social worker with at least some knowledge re: managing flashbacks. I'm going to try again to do another round of seeking therapy (go though the numbers list again, as is good to do at least yearly to follow up on things)-- even though, well at least my expectations are realistic, it won't hurt so much to go through more declines, "nope, can't help you; we don't treat that; waitlist is still 5 years". I have to remind myself that I have still gathered some strength, what was really overwhelming before about that, doesn't need to be so overwhelming now. Keeping realistic, knowing it's not so good out there, but also knowing I can cope with the consequences of trying to seek help and help not being available.

I'll be okay. I forget to remind myself of that. It's good I am remembering that now.
 
"Secondary Traumatization" is a concept I got off of Aphrodite Matsakis, e.g. her book Trust After Trauma. It can mean a lot of things though. E.g. secondary traumatization from the pain of witnessing another person with PTSD (which I have from being in a traumatized family as a child). Maybe I misused the word, for what I intended to speak about and it should be more correctly expressed by the term "Secondary Wounding", maybe I made a mistake there. . .?

For me it's about several patterns. Like when my dad suicided and the family was also a mess, that there was just no safety, no routines, chaos and so I didn't get help or support at that time when it was obviously traumatic, as it would likely be that way for any child.

It's also about the times, post-PTSD diagnosis and so in crisis once again and have a really hard time trying to find help for it. It's aweful. It explains also, why applying for Disability was also extra-traumatic for me, because I'm so used to the shut door and not getting help when I need it.

Where I live, the pharmaceutical companies pretty much direct the hospital programs, it seems. I can view a list of the psychiatrists at the hospitals, see things like "Winner of the Pfizer Award" sort of thing. Hospitals here are very connected to the local universities, of which the programs are also supplement by grants from big pharmaceutical companies, so the hospitals are pretty much a grounds for testing the efficacy of the meds. I understand that Meds can be a useful first line of defense when a person presents a mental illness issue, but it's pretty much all that is available. There used to be local hospital programs, that were covered by our health care, which had programs specific for treating PTSD, even a good outpatient program, but I missed the boat on that. When I got sick, political powers changed and did a lot of damage, IMO, to our health care system-- tax cuts=program cuts. I don't think it's fair that as a person who did pay taxes and therefore did contribute to the health care system, that when I need help, help is not covered for me, but is covered for other illnesses.

I've only been hospitalized once-- and that was truly enough. I learnt it's not a safe place at all for me for when I'm in that serious of a crisis. It's worse, it adds more to my wounds; it's just not worth it. To go there after something severely traumatizing and to not be believed was as insance as in George Orwell's novel, 1984, their insistence that "2+2=5", when I know it's not so, and I'm not delusional-- what happened was real. I'm not psychotic now, and I know what I went through. But with the "medical model" they practice, they don't consider social contexts, nor ptsd, though I get the diagnosis, the treatment is not there. That time in the hospital the diagnosis was "depression with acute psychosis", "C-PTSD", a secondary diagnosis at that time. It was frustrating and total abandonment-- drug me up and sent me back out into a situation that was very dangerous (but I basically had to lie and say, "oh no, no danger"-- just to get the heck out of the hospital, because it was clear, they weren't going to believe me and offered nothing in comfort and with coping re: how fried my ptsd got-- my life really was threatened). I'm angry about that, but I have all the best reasons to trust my own judgment-- even though it got to a point where their treatment of me, resulted in me doubitng myself, which hey, puts me at risk for further re-victimization. Yes, I am angry about it still. And I think about others, who could have been treated likewise; drugged (so that not feeling any fear at all, when fear is actually justified to take reasonable precautions to protect oneself). You have no idea where that all lead me. I would feel angry if this happened to someone else. It was not just treatment, not ethical.

I can stay alive on my own. I'm good at that, even though I will suffer extreme incapacitation. I'm lucky, my impulse control on acting out, is strong enough, even if it means being dissociative for weeks and months to get through it.

Maybe some things are changing. I have a good GP now, he's better than any psychiatrist I had previously, because he is very professional and very focussed and clear about his role. He administers proper diagnostic tools, assessing dissociation-- he has that extra training, and I feel safe with him because he is very professional, knows his limits, is very clear with me. He also did me a kind favour. I wrote a letter to the clinic, expressing my need for their services and they made an exception to their policy to let me in-- and that was a big first and I am very very grateful for that-- it was this doctor that went to bat for me, not even knowing me. I have the highest respect for my GP. He also teaches at one of the local universities, so I think that could be very positive, potentially making a bigger difference re: how PTSD-presenting clients are treated in the hospitals, etc. I think it's amazing that while most GPs and even psychiatrists here, don't bother to get extra-training re: PTSD-treatment, this doctor has and so, 'how cool is that?!". It makes him exceptional in my books and I'm very very grateful.
 
Am I going to get kicked out for writing so much-- I'm over-doing it. I think I'll take a break for a few days, just so you guys know. I'm not organized for some reason with my own journal writing-- I try hard, but it is a system that still not working right for me; something stupid, I need better graphics or something? (ADD-girl too?) Maybe I should see about getting better software-- I've heard about this existing, not sure where to look yet. It's not rational that this feels more right to my eye, therefore making it easier to write and keep track. Okay, yes, that might sound insane.
 
Hi Nishkaa

You can post as much as you like, if it helps your healing of PTSD then keep going. As long as you follow the rules of the forum, there is no problem at all.

When you are a full member you will be able to start a diary, where you can keep all posts like this together.

Take care and keep going.

Amethist
 
Hi Amethist,

Yes, looking at what I've written, I think I'd prefer to have them placed into a journal than out to the general forum, if that's possible? Because, I notice they are too long; it is more like a journal :) I realize that and I was just needing to get some stuff out that had been simmering in me and leading me to come here. I've just felt frustrated with my fragmentation, and trying to hold on to one piece or another to see it's there and acknowledge it before it "disappears" on me ;-) I'm working hard on trying to stay present.

Knowing that there is the journal option, and it's all here in one place, is a great comfort to me. I can work things out in the journal space, then come to the boards for specific questions and insights from others. I guess also, I let it flow in case there was any doubt as to the legitimacy that I do experience difficulty with the C-PTSD problem, so I guess just making sure that is clear as well.

From what I understand, I have to make 20 posts to get up to Member-level, so is it possible to delay accepting me until I complete 20 posts (if I'm accepted), then I can just have the stuff I've writted deposited appropriately and directly in my journal? Or if re: the other post, where TLight responded, maybe that's okay to go to the forum. I think you guys are a better judge of that obviously and whatever works best for the good of all, and check with TLight what's okay with her.

I'll trust you guys to make the best decision. I think putting it to the journal is a good idea.

I think this format and these options are going to be really helpful for me and my recovery for sure. I'm really impressed actually. I can see that there was a lot of thinking and collaboration that went into designing this site. This is wow!

This exercise turned out to be very helpful for me today.

And I just discovered the "thanks" button, so how cool is that! :) Thank you :)
 
Eight more posts to go till I hit "Member Level"? :smile: Just being silly, don't take this one seriously. I'm just being playful, not intending to give off any problematic "attitude".

I worked through earlier triggering, it didn't stick with me for too long. That to me is a good Victory. I'm sort of aware of some cognitive processing technique, challenging negative views coming from myself and trying to re-balance with positive ones. I do this naturally, however in a bit of a long-winded sort of way, yet. Optimism can be a good trait, I've read, contributing to some extra resilience in recovery. Much more to work on though. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to discipline myself more with sticking to the day plan and make sure I get out (I was a bit ill earlier today).
 
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