I'm trying to stick with the principle of being present to my self. Right now I am sensing some anxiety, and I don't understand how anxiety is not related to ptsd? I sense my heart rate is up a bit, can feel some tears behind my eyes, stomach feels a bit knotted. I am trying to breathe mindfully. I'm noticing some sinus discomfort, nose and throat and swallowing seems difficult. A bit shakey and I'm noticing pain in my wrists. I'm going to get up and have a glass of water. Probably I'm over-tired too. I'm experiencing a headache right now, so I think I shall cease and desist.
Recovering I think and listening to my fears. I feel upset that I don't have access to a psychotherapist, nor trauma therapist, but I'm quite certain my PTSD is real. I had trouble in highschool with things like focus. I went to the guidance counsellor about it and I was referred to the hospital to be assessed, by yes, a pscyhiatrist. Diagnosis at that time was "delayed situational response", "due to failure to mourn my father's death". Home was very unstable at that time, so when I saw a clinical social worker, a lot of the focus I think was on coping with my mom's behaviours; her outbursts of rage, violence and 'melo-dramatics'.
The health care system sucks here, when it comes to ptsd treatment. Local hospital has an "Anxiety Disorders" clinic, but it doesn't treat ptsd. And it's been very frustrating to be denied help, and I've worked so hard to try to find some. I've had it for a long time, even before it was diagnosed by another psychiatrist 10 years ago or so. I know now, looking back at things. I was raped in highschool, acquaintance rape-- I was able to fight partially, but it wasn't working, and I shut down. There was a dialogue going on in my head as it was happening, a child voice, an adolescent, a protector, and a non-violent one. These are things I've been able to piece together by flashbacks and remembering. I denied that it was a rape, till 6 months later, I burst in tears in front of some friends (had a few beers too). The next boyfriend, I had horrible flashbacks and constriction/freezing, so I wasn't on equal standing-- I didn't understand that it was ptsd, I just understood that I was fkd up. And I was also treated as such. I didn't seek counselling for a while, cause I was ashamed. I thought, 'oh well, I must be a whore'. Stayed in that abusive relationship for two years.
I went off topic. Secondary Traumatization is about the many times of abandonment in my life, post-trauma, and also me abandoning my self I guess. And it's a persistent pattern, and because of multiple traumatizations, it's too much to write about all in one spot. The system where I live does not support ptsd survivors. I've pleaded everywhere for help, have had to endure repeated abandonment when I'm in crisis. Waitlists are long, cutbacks in care. I waited a year, post-rape for "emergency crisis counselling" (when it happened again, down the road, at university, and I just totally froze-- I was put down, there was verbal, mental emotional abuse preceeding it, and i didn't get myself to safety, I dissociated, disappeared). I feel pretty sad right now, and so it's a good time to stop.
Recovering I think and listening to my fears. I feel upset that I don't have access to a psychotherapist, nor trauma therapist, but I'm quite certain my PTSD is real. I had trouble in highschool with things like focus. I went to the guidance counsellor about it and I was referred to the hospital to be assessed, by yes, a pscyhiatrist. Diagnosis at that time was "delayed situational response", "due to failure to mourn my father's death". Home was very unstable at that time, so when I saw a clinical social worker, a lot of the focus I think was on coping with my mom's behaviours; her outbursts of rage, violence and 'melo-dramatics'.
The health care system sucks here, when it comes to ptsd treatment. Local hospital has an "Anxiety Disorders" clinic, but it doesn't treat ptsd. And it's been very frustrating to be denied help, and I've worked so hard to try to find some. I've had it for a long time, even before it was diagnosed by another psychiatrist 10 years ago or so. I know now, looking back at things. I was raped in highschool, acquaintance rape-- I was able to fight partially, but it wasn't working, and I shut down. There was a dialogue going on in my head as it was happening, a child voice, an adolescent, a protector, and a non-violent one. These are things I've been able to piece together by flashbacks and remembering. I denied that it was a rape, till 6 months later, I burst in tears in front of some friends (had a few beers too). The next boyfriend, I had horrible flashbacks and constriction/freezing, so I wasn't on equal standing-- I didn't understand that it was ptsd, I just understood that I was fkd up. And I was also treated as such. I didn't seek counselling for a while, cause I was ashamed. I thought, 'oh well, I must be a whore'. Stayed in that abusive relationship for two years.
I went off topic. Secondary Traumatization is about the many times of abandonment in my life, post-trauma, and also me abandoning my self I guess. And it's a persistent pattern, and because of multiple traumatizations, it's too much to write about all in one spot. The system where I live does not support ptsd survivors. I've pleaded everywhere for help, have had to endure repeated abandonment when I'm in crisis. Waitlists are long, cutbacks in care. I waited a year, post-rape for "emergency crisis counselling" (when it happened again, down the road, at university, and I just totally froze-- I was put down, there was verbal, mental emotional abuse preceeding it, and i didn't get myself to safety, I dissociated, disappeared). I feel pretty sad right now, and so it's a good time to stop.