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Self esteem in the toilet

Discussion in 'Employment, Education & Disability' started by Eliza, Nov 14, 2017.

  1. Eliza

    Eliza Member

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    I am feeling so down at the moment.

    My anxiety/PTSD is affecting me a lot right now.

    I am on a temporary contract with my job and that is coming to an end, and I have had getting on for 100 rejections in the past 6 months or so, if not more. My industry (publishing) is just so competitive, it expects people to have done months and months of internships, which I just can't afford to do. I recently had 2 rejections from my own department, which has made me feel completely betrayed and unwanted.

    I feel like nobody wants me at work, I have very few friends outside of work, and I got dumped recently (by text). I just keep running to the bathroom and crying.

    My last 2 therapy sessions have been over the phone, so I haven't felt comfortable mentioning all of this. And the therapy is dealing with the trauma, rather than just feeling depressed about my career. But all of this has given my self-esteem a hammering and I don't know what to do anymore.

    I want to go back 10 years and take a different path. I want to have stuck at Science, because I was good at it, rather than Literature because it was easier. I don't want to be in this life anymore. The whole trajectory just feels wrong.

    If I'd have stuck at Science, I wouldn't have moved to London. I wouldn't have been on Westminster Bridge. I wouldn't be suffering PTSD. I wouldn't be struggling to make ends meet each month. I wouldn't be working with a group of people who have basically all stabbed me in the back. I wouldn't be working in an industry that's almost all women, so therefore wouldn't be stuck going on endless online dates with f*ckboys.
    And I would probably be a lot happier.

    I feel lonely, and wrong, and I don't know what to do.
     
    Rain and Changeling like this.
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  3. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

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    I'm guessing these two things are connected, so you if you talk with her about it you might be able to work them both into an answer

    I'm not sure how the education system works there, but is it an option to go back to school and do the science thing? Is it time to overhaul what you are doing? What are some options for what that might look like?
     
    Rain, mumstheword and Changeling like this.
  4. Changeling

    Changeling I'm a VIP

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    The path in the road, and the rest of the story. Hard one to detangle when it devastates. If that was cause of PTSD push the monster away. Takes huge amount of energy to get YOU back. YOU are in there, dig and drag and lift back to your new path.

    For me it is that I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. Stopping the self-blaming and harming is a more than full time job.

    Go as easy on yourself as you can. Re-direct the energy wasted on the past.
     
  5. Eliza

    Eliza Member

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    Going back to school is an option, but it will be expensive and time-consuming. I will essentially have to go back 10 years to do A-Levels, University Degree & Masters all over again. It's not something I could realistically do at the moment.

    I just feel completely lost. I can't keep dealing with all this rejection. Every time I look at job sites, instead of seeing hope and opportunities, I look at each role as another future rejection.

    I'm looking at going back to University to do a different Masters degree, but it will prove expensive and realistically probably won't guarantee me a job afterwards.

    The PTSD is making everything seem like such hard work at the moment, sometimes I feel like getting out of bed is a major achievement. Dragging myself to work, to interviews, through all the rejections is just getting too much.
     
    Rain and mumstheword like this.
  6. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

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    I get the not having energy to job hunt. I've been in the same boat. Staying at a job I hate to pay the bills and not being able to even conceive of moving forward. I found that just doing a couple things here and there towards getting out helped to keep my spirits up because they could show a possible future....

    can you go back to school part time or on line? Maybe give yourself something to look forward to while you work on the ptsd?
     
    Changeling, Rain and mumstheword like this.
  7. Rain

    Rain Believe the children Premium Member

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    I could not agree more!! It sounds like you maybe depressed too which is a hard thing to have to experience on top of everything. Baby steps and a step backwards is normal for us and is not a failure on your part. I also thing thought stopping on the self blaming, this does not help you.
     
    Freida likes this.
  8. Eliza

    Eliza Member

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    I'm looking at doing another Masters Degree - I can't change my entire career, I have been Literature/Arts focused since I was 16, so going down a science route is out of the question. But a different direction within Literature/Arts is an option. In fact, I went to a postgrad open evening last night, and that initially perked me up. But then I immediately started to think, "I probably won't even get on the course. If I do get on the course, I will probably fail it, and if I pass it, I won't get a job afterwards..." etc etc etc. And it was back to square one again.

    I'm in a job I like at the moment, but my contract is up at the end of the year. I would happily stay here for a while, but I can't - and panic is really starting to set in. And since getting rejected twice from my own department, and three times from other internal roles, I'm starting to feel like nobody wants me here, which is making me miserable.

    I think you're right, I have had depression before - I suffer from SAD this time of year, and all of this, along with the PTSD is just making it worse.

    All I want to do is lie in bed all day and forget the world, but I can't. I need to find a job.
     
    Rain likes this.
  9. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

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    It's ok to think that but not ok to let it stop you. Even if that's what you believe it doesn't have to stop you from putting in the paperwork. And who knows what might happen? If you fail, well that's what you expected. But if you succeed then you get to prove yourself wrong!
     
    Rain likes this.
  10. Eliza

    Eliza Member

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    That's a good way to think of it. I keep thinking about the wasted time and effort I have put in to all these job applications, but then I'm trying to keep thinking that it's all improving my writing, it's (hopefully!) making me more resilient, and I'd probably have just been sat in front of the TV doing nothing with that time anyway.
    I hope I prove myself wrong because I'm starting to at least feel a little better giving myself some kind of target.
     
    Rain likes this.
  11. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

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    Good girl!!!
     
    Rain likes this.
  12. Ouch... As someone studying with aims of heading into the same field, not feeling terribly optimistic now :p

    I'll say this though, my other half is in a totally different industry, one which is not as obviously competitive, and he has good experience (5 years in the position he's seeking, at a respected company) and is facing the same rejection rate. I think as the economy is shite right now, it's not to do with you as much as the lack of jobs. It's not to do with your choices, or your field, or anything you could improve or do differently... Not reassuring in terms of the future, but your self esteem doesn't need to suffer. It's not that you aren't good enough. It's that everybody is struggling. And often the better you are, the more expensive you're seen as being, so better to hire an ignorant noob than spend money on someone competent. Most people I know are struggling work-wise at the moment (living in the southeast, heart of commutersville)
     
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