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Self harming relapse but for different reasons

Discussion in 'Dysregulation' started by Finchlet2, Jan 11, 2018.

  1. Finchlet2

    Finchlet2 Active Member

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    I used to cut to bleed the infection of them out of me. Now my heightened emotions are confusing and scary and I'm cutting when the energy has nowhere to go. I've lost control of my brain and am really struggling to focus on what I should be doing which makes me feel my life is pointless. I don't want to give up I have to find a way to stop them infecting anything I apply myself to or me infecting it cos I'm harbouring there dirt. Now I'm furious cos this sounds like excuses when I am pounding on the doors of my brains pilot pit but not being allowed in. I'm so sick of hurting. I'm a helper not a hurt er and defo not anyone's burden I'm not waiting for the agony to pass I'm trying to live but I am literally even right now drowning in my own tears. I'm not weak what the f*ck is happening to me?
     
    EveHarrington likes this.
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  3. Ragdoll Circus

    Ragdoll Circus I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    It sounds like you’re in a lot of distress and that the emotions are triggering some really difficult thoughts and core beliefs. Having overcome SH before, you can definitely achieve that again. And it’s worth it.

    There’s a free app called Calm Harm which I have used. It’s specifically designed to help overcome SH urges, and has a number of different strategies that you might find helpful, and it’s easy to use.

    I’ve found it a bit weird using apps to help with my symptoms and it took some getting used to. But now I use them to ease different types of symptoms all the time. Hope that helps a little.
     
    Wilmot and Finchlet2 like this.
  4. Finchlet2

    Finchlet2 Active Member

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    Thankyou for taking time to reply, I don't have any app technology or software I'm well old fashioned like that and so out of wack with my generation. I think I'm getting a bit better because I'm not as numb on an hour by hour basis but right now that numbness is being replaced by a hell of a lot of pain which brings on the inability to fucus which makes me really distressed and feel like I'm drugged. I go for walks in the cold to calm down a bit and that helps but the inability to fucus on this kills me and I need to get rid of a bit of the blood that's oxygenating my body or I'm taking to much for my current acheivments. The inability to fucus is the catalyst that after an intense fight for a while find it impossible not to succumb to. It is not what I'm trying to fucus on that's the problem as I've never been more certain of anything in my life, I just need to learn new ways to fucus and then I know I can beet it to. I don't normally reach out like this it's not really me but I guess I'm kind of filling the time I would be using to self harm to post here but it's not fucus. Tings are slightly less intense today though so I'm going to set myself some small realistic targets and see wha'gwarn. What do you do to help you focus?
     
    Ragdoll Circus likes this.
  5. Ragdoll Circus

    Ragdoll Circus I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Honestly? A lot of the time, I reach out here. Gives me something to focus on, that I can relate to.

    But I’ve got a pre-prepared list of pleasant activities that I know are engaging for me. Pre-prepared because on those really distressing days, trying to make decisions about what to try can get too hard. It includes a range of indoor and outdoor stuff (watching a sitcom to taking the dog for a short walk), as well as really basic stuff to more complex and lengthy stuff (often I start with something short amd easy, like having a cool shower, which gives me the encouragement I need for something longer, like doing a crossword or watering my plants, which then prepares me for something more substantial, like going to a cafe and sitting with a coffee, or going to the river with a book).

    When I’m desperate and hopeless? I simplify. Incense burning, relaxing music, breathing exercises, and massaging lotion into my feet.

    When I’m frustrated and angry? I wash the dishes, go for a jog, or scrub the shower.

    Definitely keeping a note of things that help has been a lifesaver for me. I don’t have to reinvent the wheel every time, you know?

    ETA: my SH urges are linked to specific core beliefs and thoughts like the way you’ve described. I deliberately avoid activities that I know are going to feed those thoughts in any way. So when you say “I feel infected by them”, think about whether body-based activities like taking a bath are going to help distract from that thought, or whether it may end up just feeding the thought (in which case, perhaps pick some flowers, or paint, or play music etc).
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
    Finchlet2 likes this.
  6. Finchlet2

    Finchlet2 Active Member

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    A year ago I would of found all that impossible but I'm there now and totally with you, all you have said is bang on but what I'm trying to focus on is setting up a mobile massage buisness specific and affordable to those with movement restrictive disabilities but the pertaining coursework (which I hugely enjoy the subject matter of) is doing my nut in cos I keep getting interrupted by invasive smells, feeling surrounded and my lungs feel full of water and I cough to throw up. P. S. You are being massively helpful in a grounding way

    Not to throw up. Throwing up unwanted side effect.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2018
    Ragdoll Circus likes this.
  7. Ragdoll Circus

    Ragdoll Circus I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    I’m actually glad you said that, because I was thinking to myself how, when I first started trying to deal with my self-harm, I needed to use things like valium or holding ice cubes. Self soothing distractions would have been miles away from what I could done in those moments.

    Ultimately though, I had to start using the urges to SH as opportunities to retrain my brain completely. When I wanted to harm, I needed to practice showing myself compassion for feeling distressed. Like the Healthy Parent stepping in and saying, “No, this child is in distress, I will not harm her further”.

    And I had to do it through gritted teeth for a long while. Like, it was really maddening making myself massage my feet when I wanted to do the polar opposite!!

    It’s paid off though, it really has.

    I love your business idea. For me its a landscaping business, so I leave landscaping magazines lying around, and I pick them up and just flick through on a regular basis, not trying to achieve anything more in that moment except switching my brain to a completely different set of thoughts.
     
    Finchlet2 likes this.
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