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Separating From An Abusive Parent

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I just realized I dissociated and compartmentalized (feels weird to use these terms) because last year, I didn't know much anything of them. But hate from a early age, I had. But that was eclipsed by intense longing and pain to just go back home. I was trying to link that, most kids are not attached enough to say that they want or (actually heart broken) about not having a house with the same furniture soap or dishes. Which is so silly, it was just a bare of my emotions. And alas my mom, this could have been possible if we did have our own home. So I was right, kinda, I just realized.

But it was hard, as a child to let go. But i have no idea how it would feel to do it as an adult. I was sick too, and forced to eat some food I didn't like, on a farm very far away from home n had no idea which way home was. But all the time I was still my moms kid, That's when it was hurting, but once I was of the state at 13, then I used hate to get over her. And it did work, I dunno for me as a Scorpio Moon, hate keeps me safe. It's a Moon of extremes, so I rarely find the bottom of what I'm feeling most times. I probably dissociated a bit, just from the entry of the post lol.
 
Sorry for the post directly below gotiff, don't know how that got there. But I do know mistakes are more common during Mercury retro, not to mention when one is up to late. Going to bed, good luck Sun Seeker!
 
Yes, I have gone through this, mother being main abuser. The way I got the monster out of my head was by using ego state therapy, as apart from SE my therapist is trained in this method. Maybe your therapist knows of a similar technique; it is visualising in a light trance state that you now are away from the abuser and that there is no way at all that she can ever get to you again. This can be done with various suggestions of being very strong, having arms, having helpers of your choice, having a place were it is impossible to find you, actively seeing yourself leaving as strong, killing the abuser, flying off with a helicopter. I have done this several times and at first I was sceptical of the imaginary component, but it really works. All in my mind I have killed her in so many ways so many times, I have fled, fought and ran off with helpers so she can no longer get to me, and she does not.
Maybe this approach is helpful. This is a typical issue that SE can not address.
 
visualising

When I was in my 20s I had a friend who had been physically abused as a child lead me for about 5-10min on a visualization of my abuser restrained to a chair and I had a gun and bullets. In the visualization I had all the power to take his life, or not to. I felt something shift with that visualization. That there could be a reality based scenario as an adult where I had the control.

I've heard of visualization of a superman type scenario rescuing your child self, but these are so not reality and definitely never happened so I don't find them useful.

I think it also helped that someone lead me on this, describing all the details of the room etc so that it felt "real" and also I stayed in that visualization for multiple minutes.

There is another thing that helped me once called a "physic conversation" where you talk to the person as if they were in the room and you ask for what you want from them. I found this quite powerful, I think mostly because it forced me to actually work out what I did want from them.

Hope that helps.
 
I think it also helped that someone lead me on this

Agree for sure, in my case my therapist does all the possible suggestions, I choose and tell what I see happening next, and then he continues when I block and so on to finish the story till the end. And also to see yourself as the child -or particular ego state- and connect to it emotionally in the story in action is important.

"physic conversation" where you talk to the person as if they were in the room and you ask for what you want from them. I found this quite powerful,

Very interesting, thank you for sharing. I get very powerful phrases in mind as well ;)
 
I have many times gone without talking to my mom and getting her out of my life only for everything you've described to hit me like a ton of bricks and call her once again and put her back into my life.. I know the feeling well. And still allow her to verbally abuse me to this day. I don't know why? I feel so guilty for all the same reasons you have listed. Am currently working with my therapist to get her out of my life and control the guilt once I have. I have PTSD from my life with her as well.
 
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