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Relationship Setting Up For Failure

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Ecl84

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So I'm not 100% sure what caused my guys PTSD but I believe it's from a serious of events that happened 5 years ago, including losing his career/fiancé/home all within a short period of time.

Things with us have been... Odd lately. Not much communication, no alone time. I've told him that I feel like I'm putting in all the effort, and that I'm going to stop asking to hang out because I feel like I'm putting pressure on him and it's adding to his stress.

He was ok with that, aside from thinking I meant I was going to leave him alone completely which I quickly explained wasn't the case, just that I felt for now that I should back off and let him make plans when he's ready.

Here's the issue. He's admitted that he's afraid to be me alone with me because he could fail. He hasn't explained because we haven't had much of a chance to talk. I don't know what to do here. How can I have a relationship with someone who avoids spending one on one time? There's been nothing physical in a month. And the only time he's spent with me lately was with family over holidays. He's afraid of another relationship failing, but he's guaranteeing failure if he can't even bring himself to make me a part of his life. He's said he's going to try, but I don't know how to help get things back how they were in the beginning.

Any help or thoughts?
 
There may be more to it as loss of career/fiancé/home isn't a qualifier for PTSD. I'm saying this so that you don't get completely blindsided if/when he discloses the cause of his PTSD.

If you need more time with him, then maybe being in a relationship with a sufferer isn't right for you. Many of us require lots of alone time, even when we're in recovery or have done much healing already. Are you familiar with the stress cup concept? It explains why we get overwhelmed much quicker than those who do not have this disorder.
 
I do know about the stress cup, and have done lots of research. I realize that when he's isolating he doesn't want to talk or spend time with me, which I'm accepting and understanding of.

It's helping him with his fear of failure that is what's behind not spending time together. He's not isolating at the moment, if I ask him to come to a family event or anything involving other people he's all for it.
 
So I'm not 100% sure what caused my guys PTSD but I believe it's from a serious of events that happened 5 years ago, including losing his career/fiancé/home all within a short period of time.

It's unlikely that's what his PTSD is from (unlikely taking into account they could have been burgled & she was raped & killed in front of him; or she died or they both suffered massive burns in his house exploding; or they could have been living in Mexico and shot to pieces during the cartel/police/army violence)... There are PTSD levels of loss of job/home/girl. But if it's the more standard country-song loss? That can mess with pre-existing conditions, or trigger different disorders & issues, but not PTSD. Which is important because disorders are treated most effectively in different ways. You could waste years trying to treat PTSD, essentially just running into a wall headfirst over and over, when it's actually a different disorder or set of issues entirely.
 
It's more a country song type loss, but being retired military, I imagine these events just contributed to something already going on. He has never discussed anything combat related of his military service, which makes sense. Not sure why I never put that together.
 
If he's not isolating and willing to spend time with you in a group function, and you're wanting to be supportive and keep the relationship going; I would just continue inviting him to group functions/events. If he admitted being afraid about getting to close/having the relationship fail, are you able to talk to him about it further even if it's not one-on-one time, but rather during group events or even via phone or email? Is he in therapy or would he be willing to take you to therapy one session to discuss hurtles to your relationship/his feelings of failing?
 
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