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Sufferer Sexual Abuse, Dissociation, Fragments, Body Memories

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bonbar3

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(Shortest intro I could do for a very involved story)...Prior to 7 years ago, my life was laced w/fear and ongoing depression, but other than that, mostly a normal life (as normal as life ever is).

Since then, I've had flashbacks relating to being molested around 3 yrs old and being exposed to satanic ritual abuse; flashbacks from a rape at 19 that I repressed... In addition dissociation /fragmentation/separate thoughts.

Worst of all, are tormenting sensations I have felt constantly for the last 7 yrs. They mimic the sexual abuse, but because they never go away, (unless I'm asleep or ultra focused on something), I assume they may not be body memories.

Looking for someone who understands. I'm so tired of these sensations and the torment of - is it true, or isn't it (flashbacks & video tapes in my mind's eye). I have a strong aversion to being deceived and just want to move on.

Thanks for allowing me to introduce me and my situation.

~BB
 
Hi BB - I understand the seemingly inexplicable ongoing fear and depression, followed by the resurfacing of memories. That's what I'm dealing with myself currently. I was going to make a book recommendation, considering how much it helped me before I even dealt with the memories. It's Unbound by Neal Lozano, and it's a Christian book (if you're open to that). After going through that book and making an inventory of how I felt (fear, anger, despair, anxiety, etc...), I was able to release a lot of it. The difference was like night and day after. When at home in the afternoon or on the weekends, I would always pace through my house, feeling strangely guilty and anxious for not getting things done, even though there was nothing specific to do. I was used to spinning my wheels doing nothing but fret. But after Unbound, I came home and didn't know what to do with myself with all my new freedom to actually do things without wasting energy on anxiety. Are you in any sort of counseling?
 
Welcome Bonbar3...you are not alone and yes, you will find people here who understand and offer support. I too feel pretty much the same as you,I am a 'little' further down the track but still plagued by the memories, tape of images and flashbacks. There is hope though, it does get better with the right support.:)

Do you have a therapist/counsellor to help you on your journey?

Stay safe and strong
 
Hi BB and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're finding it hard at the moment. You'll find plenty of people here who understand.
 
I have struggled a lot with, is it true or not, for years. I still have problems but now I have memories that explain past behaviours. My sister and brother have also confirmed some of my flashbacks. It's very hard and stressful dealing with the is it true or (in my case) am I crazy feelings.

All I can say is with a good therapist and some faith, I sorted it out and now can believe my memories. It was very hard to believe my flashbacks because then I had to believe that those things really happened to me. It does get easier. Hang in there and Welcome!
 
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