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Sexual Arousal From Flashback

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Sideways

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2 things to know about me in advance: I can't burp, and I don't get sexually aroused (unless you really physically force it).

After at least 3 particularly sadistic and painful lesson, my abuser finally decided it was time for me to learn that I was a Whore of God. This lesson was more than just him being his old gentle self...it was erotic. Deliberately erotic and sexually stimulating.

Got no qualms with having been sexually stimulated at the time. Normal physiological reaction ("normal" being the operative word - it was painful then, the same way that arousal is physically painful now...weird...bygones).

Thing is, when I'm getting flashbacks of this lesson (and they're coming thick and fast - hooray), I can feel him physically stimulating me, and I get aroused...by the flashback.

It's weird that I'm getting aroused, because that never happens. But being aroused just by a flashback- that's weird. They didn't write about that in the textbooks. So wtf?

Does this happen? Please tell me that this happens - that you can get aroused by a flashback...totally normal, right???
 
There's a lot of work by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk about PTSD and the physiological storage of trauma memories in the body. Look for an article on the net called something like "The body keeps the score".

Traumatic memories aren't stored in the parts of the brain that store regular non-traumatic memories. They are stored deeper, without words, and physically. It really isn't much difference from the other kinds of arousal, like fear, sweating, anger.
 
Yep :(

In order for me to be able to reach a point I could feel sex at all, I had to let some of those flashbacks in actually.

In therapy I learned how to enjoy one particular act by repeatedly allowing myself to think of it as it happened in childhood, and let the pleasure come, even though it felt dirty and wrong.

Took a long long time, using a lot of cbt to change my thoughts about it and then one day, I no longer needed the memory anymore, I stayed here during sex. Didn't feel sick or detach.

Probably the only thing, now i look back critically that 8 years of therapy achieved.

Though now I'm able to see that I didn't even do that for me, I was able to work so hard on it because it was something my partner wanted from me.

I think maybe if it had been for myself only, I would not have healed it.
Bloody self worth.
 
I'm gonna own up to the fact that I didn't realise that body memories extended to sexual arousal. That makes sense, except that it's really friggin weird for me because I don't get sexually aroused...

But I think @mary1979 that maybe I'm picking up what you're putting down. Usually flashbacks are terrifying and painful, but I've got this macabre fascination with this one. I've never been in love (no, that's not weird - I have a major attachment issue), but I can tell from what's going on in this flashback that by this point in the abuse, I was absolutely obsessed with this man. I would've done anything to get him to treat me like this. Putting up with the sadistic lessons (which far outweighed the sensual lessons) was never even a question. What he was doing in this lesson, I would've (and did) put up with all sorts of horror hoping he'd do this sort of stuff again.

The arousal part is, like I said, macabrely fascinating. But it's one hell of a wake up call realising how completely obsessed I was with him...And there's a 12 year old stuck in my head that's still just as obsessed with him now, 20 years later.

That's messed up. That's really messed up.
 
I wish I could say that I don't relate.

The only sexual pleasure I can feel is from that which mimics the original abuse. It sickens me. It makes me so upset. But I don't know how to fix it.

It also extends to fear .... I notice physical arousal (but not psychological at all) whenever I become afraid.

I hate even typing this out.
 
@theshadowoftheliving - I can't say how grateful I am for that post. I wasn't going to even come back to this thread, because the shame is everywhere, like it's practically dripping off me.

Yes, my 12 year old is still obsessed with him. But that's a cop out. Because I'm the one having the flashbacks. I'm the one getting aroused.

I don't know what to do with that either.
 
Does this happen? Please tell me that this happens - that you can get aroused by a flashback...totally normal, right???

They are for me. Actually ive been arroused and ive felt physical pain where it was happening back then & lasted for days.

I think, since our minds think we are back there again, we have the same reactions and feelings as we did then, you know?

Most certinaly not abnormal and i hate it too! :hug:
 
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@Cj77 - have you always been angry about it? The concept and the experience of being aroused is new for me, and my head gets stuck on "I want him to come back" (not helpful)...
 
I think feeling sick about it is stronger than the anger. But yeah, it's only two years since I remembered (was a young child and probably dissociated) and the anger is still here but I am only just beginning proper psychotherapy for everything right now, maybe I can work through the anger. Makes me feel so vulnerable too, like she still has control over me. And yes sometimes a part of me thinks it would be ok to go back to her. I have to remind myself how completely not ok that would be.
 
@Cj77 - everything except the anger (my anger is all still self-directed). What you've described is pretty much exactly where I am. It's confusing because it's like wanting to go back and feeling repulsed by it at the same time.

Serious injection of therapy required there for me I think.
 
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