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Sexualized Trauma

  • Thread starter Deleted member 18673
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Deleted member 18673

As a child, I sexualized the feelings of shock, horror, and helplessness as a way to cope with an environment full of sexual, psychological, and physical violence. My first sexual experiences were being raped by my father, which led to me experiencing my first feelings of sexual arousal around themes of force and abuse.

This has led to me fetishizing anything violent, abusive, and horrifying, especially happening to the innocent the way my siblings and I were helpless and innocent. This has led to me becoming a masochist and being hooked on BDSM porn. I have constant fantasies of people committing acts of extreme violence, abuse, deprivation, and captivity towards me.

I know exactly where my fetishizations, fantasies, deviant arousals, and sexual dysfunction come from; it's all directly related to my horrific childhood abuse. I hate it and I don't want it to be a part of me. I feel the need to be viciously abused and I know this isn't healthy for me. I need to walk away from BDSM altogether, and find help to undo the damage to my psyche and my sexuality.

I have a choice to not allow this to overtake me and develop into a situation where I seek to make my fantasies a reality by seeking out a sadist. I want to beat my deviant sexual urges. I want a normal sex life and I want these terrible fantasies gone because the real me does not want to continue my childhood abuse into my adult life.

Yet from all I've read, fetishes can't be cured. I don't know if I believe this. Do you guys have any suggestions for me? I'm going to try to find a sex therapist... but do I need a sex therapist or a trauma therapist?
 
I can totally relate to your dilemma as I have had the same kind of sexual deviancy and sexual urges that I acted out due to my being sexually abused as a child. I went to a trauma therapist and healed my sexuality and now I find that I can have a healthy life without the urges to act out and when they occasionally do arise, I am able to resist those urges. So there is definitely hope for a better life for you and I wish you all the luck in the world as you work towards healing your life!!
 
@Lionheart777

This brings me SO much hope! I've been told by everything I've read that I'm incurable but your story has given me optimism. I'm going to find out from my psychiatrist how I can get hooked up with a sex therapist and whether it's covered under my healthcare program. I'll try to take steps on my own as well in the meantime.
 
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You might be able to find a sex therapist that also specializes in trauma therapy. I was lucky enough to find one in my area and my wife and I are seeing her now. She is helping us with sex issues, but also trauma. Its like having your cake and eating it too! :-)
 
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