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Undiagnosed Sexually, Verbally, Emotionally, Mentally And Physically Abused During Childhood

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fraffy

New Here
Hi all.

For my introduction, I'll keep it short.

I was abused in all ways you can think of during my childhood up till I left my grandmother's house when I turned 18. I put on a mask during the abuse and shoved it all inside me and took it out on myself. I turned into a cutter and a self abuser and became a prescription drug addict.

Now I am 42 and I've come to a point that I can't go on like I have been. The years of hiding behind a fake mask of happiness has taken their toll on me.
Recently I've been arrested for driving while asleep while under the influence of Ambien. I've been to 2 rebab facilities and I'm lucky to be alive.

I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but I have trauma that I need to get rid of because it it killing me.

Thank you for reading.
 
Hi fraffy. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. I hope you can find a good therapist who is experienced in working with your type of trauma.

I'm glad you finally decided to stop the path you were on. I hope you will learn and always remember that it was not your fault what happened to you. Keep talking, it is very healing.
 
The years of hiding behind a fake mask of happiness has taken their toll on me.

Hello, welcome to the forum.

I can relate to the bit above, I also find it exhausting. Hopefully you can find a therapist and begin to work through everything with them.
 
Hi Fraffy,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

So many of us here can relate to the "mask" and denying or stuffing emotions. But you are correct that you do need to deal with the trauma in order to heal. Getting a proper diagnosis and working with a good trauma therapist can help a person to recover, regardless of their diagnosis.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie
 
Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate them.

I feel so exhausted. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm currently going to a PHP (Partial Hospitalization) and the doctor there wants me to go to a residential hospital. She's not the only one. I live by myself, I have no family to help me with finances or emotional support.

I feel like I'm at the bottom of the toilet swirling around and around and stuck.

I know I need to go. Because if I don't I'm not going to get better. But I don't exactly have 20k (or MORE) just sitting around. Plus I have pets I will need to have someone come over to take care of. Plus more time off work not getting paid.

I HATE that I am like this and that I was dealt this hand. I HATE my family. I HATE my parents (who are both dead) for having me. I hate them for having any children at all. Both sides of my family have mental illness but they got together and made babies. All their babies are mentally ill too.

I'm so angry.
 
Fraffy, you are not alone in feeling like you're at the end of your rope. I ... er, we...have been there. And I know that when your in that state, just like being in a hole, you can't see anything.

But sometimes, the best healing can happen when things seem the worst. And I think that's why you're here.
 
WillyKat thank you for your reply.

Yes, I feel completely overwhelmed right now. My heart is beating in my chest and I just don't know what to do. If I had the money and resources I'd go right now to a 30 or 45 or 90 day treatment facility, but I don't.

I'm so angry at so much right now. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping for a glimmer of light soon. I really don't know what to do.

Thank you again for your reply and everyone else who replied.
 
Fraffy, I'd like to suggest a book for you to read. "Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal" by Belleruth Naparstek. I have found it be very helpful for myself. And I'm sure others who have read it will agree with me on that.

When you think you just can't handle any more, it helps to talk to people (like here), and get away (like to the mountains or the beach or even a park) and read books from people that know what they are talking about. This book offers ways you use to help you heal. It also gives examples that you will relate to.
 
I would echo what safenow said about maybe getting away to something natural. I'll probably expound upon this in a separate thread, but the quick version is this: being out in nature keeps me away from my usual triggers. For me, the farther out the better. Out there, the dangers are honest, above ground, and not hiding behind masks.
 
Fraffy,
it is absolutely necessary that you do not give up on therapy, because it is going to hurt once you start.
please make sure your therapist has a clear picture of what you've been through. start slow. don't try to unload it all in a few sessions.

if your therapist isnt working for you, find a new one. look until it feels right.

best of luck. you're stronger than you know.
 
mothsorbet is right. Therapy usually means crawling through a river of excrement to get to the other side. Most likely, it will hurt.

But you have to understand that your therapist does not know your inner pain. Your pain has been accumulating for maybe an entire lifetime and there's no way to communicate that in a flash. So you have to educate your therapist before s/he can help you and that means telling about all the hurt.

So if therapy is painful, it isn't necessarily a bad sign. If your therapist doesn't seem to understand why it's painful, or does't believe it causes you pain, then yes, find a new therapist.
 
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