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Shadows In The Midst Of Flames

Ironlady

MyPTSD Pro
I need a place to express my thoughts. I'm drowning in them. Using this as a container for myself, my words, my creativity, my thoughts, my feelings. This is to honor the voice that feels like it is disappearing under the smile. The voice who is too often left obscure, hidden within the shadows and which seems to be forever consumed by the flames.
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The strings play with a solemn sweet sound. The rise and fall of their melody such as the breath of a thousand souls breathing as one. The aching flute remembering the sorrows of days born long ago. The percussion such as the hoofbeats of a thousand horses. Marching and pounding proudly onward in perfect time. Crescendos of happiness and triumph followed by diminuendos of an anguished spirit asking. Where the questions hidden arise as the wave of a chorus from the sea and the answers thunder and crash as a well played cymbal. Loneliness amidst Dreams and visions. Internal, yet it rises to the stars. It goes until there it reaches the undreamed and unthought where they are born continually, until the final crashing. Until the time of the last single note. Until the time of the last bar is played and the the music ceases to the point of fine. I will be among dreams, stars and fireflies and the dust that dances among the winds among us. I will raise my voice to the clear behind the sky until the music is gone from me. It will not just be the song of a people or a nation. It will not just be the song of my fathers, mothers ancestors. It will be Like the child timidly playing the xylophone but who harmoniously plays along with the accomplished pianist it will be my song. My music, my melody. I am the composer of these strings. I am the creator of my own melodies. I am the creator of my reality. To live without ever reaching the final note without playing every instrument in me would be as a troop without the sound of a bugle, a lioness without her roar, a ballerina without music to dance to. Every minor key is mine. Every transposed key is mine. Every major chord is mine every sour note is mine. To die with that music in me and not played would be worse than a last breath of a goodbye never uttered. I invite you, Come hither and sit at this table and drink the sound of me. Hear my music and I invite you to play yours . Observe the love light flashing, illuminating, gently passing over and down on the one within the staff, the one softly rocking under the triads, the one under the cloak of fortissimos of shame, who cowers beneath the shadows of the quarters. The one who has a fire in her heart with a sword and shield ever waiting. Who awaits with the tempo of a warrior that carries and rests with the scars and wounds of long past who craves a codetta. The one who allows and accepts it all. Come and drink it in, drink the sound with ears that need not to understand completely or like each note but only to appreciated the melody. The deep drums, the syncopation, the straight beat. Stars will burn out and fall, hearts will beat and fade away. But until it's time for my fading my strings will dance with the bow until the conductors hand says enough.. I am alive. My music yearns to be played with every piece, with ever fiber, with the quietest most delicate sound in pianissimo to the most forceful and loudest sforzando.. With every sharp edged staccato and with every soft fermata that gently and firmly holds as an embrace long awaited, to moments where there is the silence, the silence where is heard only breath; that of the moments of caesuras. Taste the music, hear the melody, hold it and if it be not to your liking then freely leave this table. Break away and Take with you whatever it is you bring. Peace and love, discord and hate and do with that as you will on your own staff at your own table. Because though my music may change it will no longer be changed into a song that is not mine. Loneliness I found is a surety for the one who composes on their own. A surety for one who does not follow the music of countless others into the depths of their masters song. My companions are the very earth that pulses beneath, the sky that breathes and who carries within The echo's that change as the walls inside crumble, Unveiling what was once concealed and yet I search still for one that can play a duet with me but when fear overtakes, silences me? I beg myself to Awaken!!! Because The Music inside cannot be silenced anymore. To be silenced continually is like watching your own death and feeling and watching parasites consume and erode away your instruments. Awaken all instruments, I encourage you to all courageously play brilliantly unto the end. Until there is no more. Until it is the last note, the fine.
 
My biggest issue currently is that I'm trying to overcome is not being able to communicate with my husband and him refusing to open up to me in fear of me being not able to handle it. So Tackling hard issues and trying not to let fear override the necessity of me using my voice. My T has been trying for weeks to push my buttons and piss me off. Shame overrides most other feelings including my ability to feel anger towards others. I feel numb most of the time. But he finally pushed the right button on Thursday and Yesterday I was able to talk to my husband about some really difficult things affecting our marriage. I wish using my voice wasn't so scary because afterwards we both felt a whole lot better. We both won yesterday. I feel very good about that.
 
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