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Shall I Cut Off Ties From My Toxic Family Forever?? Please Help!!

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J_trustno1

MyPTSD Pro
Myself: I am a female in mid 20s. I have been in depression since I was 16 yrs old (first time when i was diagnosed) and been suffering from it for the past 10 yrs. The reasons: molested at the age of 9 by mothers brother-in-law. My father always put me down and I was never good enough no matter how hard I studied, he abused my mother for being less educated so we moved overseas when I was 12. Mothers relatives (her narcissistic brother n sister) forced me to work at the age of 12. Was always taunted by relatives about everything: weight, looks, height, teeth, hair anything you name it. Mothers sister forced me to wax my hair, even beat me and had to cook for her and family while mother was at work. Her narcissistic brother verbally abused me and sometimes never paid me for working at his restaurant (8 + hrs ). My mother never stood up to them because she felt that she was in-debt to them for bringing us to this country.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. However, I react to every little criticism I get from people. I take things too personally and sometimes I get too upset about things that I lose sleep and start feeling that I don't deserve to live. I cry for hours continuously and nothing on earth can stop it. This is actually affecting my ability to live life happily. I can't even take a joke, I just have trouble brushing things off. I show emotions to quickly and have been getting into trouble because of my emotions. I am actually finding it hard to live.

I am getting into constant arguments with my mother because I keep feel that she has deceived me. We she actually did. She is always defending her relatives after they have done all this to me. I can't tolerate my relatives and i avoid going to their houses or meeting them. Please help, this is taking over my life!
 
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There’s a story about supper market shopping. If one casher is a bit off hand it could be that she is having a bad day but if the next casher and the next seem a bit off with us then it’s time to ask ourselves if the problem might be us. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but if you are having a problem with all those relatives, it might be time to take a closer look at yourself. This type of reflection has been quite am eye opener for a lot of people.

Having said that, by the sound of things, a little more distance couldn’t hurt. Finding work outside the family could help, too.
 
Bluerose: I was humiliated, taunted, swore at and my dreams were made fun of. You can't just put me down. You haven't lived in my shoe so please don't accuse me! I am avoiding them and I believe I will avoid them for the rest of my life! Please be considerate when you judge someone! it hurts!
 
There has been significant abuse over a long period of time. It sounds like your mother is happier denying the abuse that was in front of her eyes than protecting you, which she ought to have done. I haven't had this situation, but I know others on here have felt it necessary to cut off contact with "toxic" people in their lives. I can't help wondering if being around people who appear to care so little about you would only continuously re-trigger you. Do you have a therapist - it might be a good idea to talk it over with them. Hopefully others here who have gone through a similar situation will have better advice than I have. You deserve much better in life than what you have had so far, and I hope you find some peace from this. Hugs, if that's ok. :hug:
 
You need to take care of you, keep yourself safe, be with safe people who love and care for you.

Do whatever you need to take care of you. If forever is too overwhelming a term, consider not being around them or any toxic people for now or indefinitely.

You have options now where once you had none.
 
it’s time to ask ourselves if the problem might be us.

I find this to be harsh Bluerose especially with what @jess_trustno1 shared. And inaccurate mostly becasue of this...

Often dysfunctional and abusive family members compound one another.

Which is very true. Often if people grew up with something they can either: 1) start repeating the cycle. 2) be in denial becasue they think it's normal. One family member is abusive then it's easier to find excuses for the other family members to also be.

It's your life Jess_trusno1. You do what you need to do, as @franciemarnie said:

You have options now where once you had none.

Take care.
 
JTN1,
I’m sorry for all the things you are going through. I think you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself. Even your screen name says a lot about you. Your family appears to have made you distrust the world. I can’t say I would feel any different in your situation.
Sometimes you need some distance in order to take care of yourself.
-WW
 
Hi Jess, sometimes I think we need to distance ourselves from people to find out if we want to distance ourselves from people - if that makes sense?! It sounds like you are already making steps towards doing this...
I am avoiding them and I believe I will avoid them for the rest of my life
...are you able to give a bit more information about your situation at the moment? Are you currently living with family? If not how close (geographically) are they to you? Are there any members of your family at all you would want to maintain contact with? If so, do you think you will e able to do that if you cut off ties from the rest of them?

These are all questions that have come up for me at different points in my life when I've considered cutting ties. When I left home at 18, I pretty much kept contact to a minimum with both my parents. I didn't cause a big stir about it, or say that was what I was doing, I just made myself as unavailable to them as possible. It helped that I moved to the other end of the country from them though. I really felt at the time that I needed to do this to give me breathing space to find out who I was without either of them around. This led to me cutting ties with dad almost completely. He died a couple of years ago - I still don't regret cutting him out of my life. My mum is more complicated as she now lives very close geographically and cutting ties with her would make relationships with some of my other family members extremely difficult, but having had the space, I am better at keeping any relationship with her on my terms now (most of the time)
 
I dont think its possible to heal while beating verbally and emotionally battered. It just doesnt work in my experience. Once I seperated myself from the toxicity, and got to place I felt safe, then the healing began. Its hard, I dont know that you have to make it forever but I think you need to excape the toxicity for now and then make a forever decision when you are in a better place.
 
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