I'm really surprised by the extent of my reaction.
I've been building a friendship where we bonded over a common interest that revealed that we have similar values. He's known that I'm dealing with survivor's guilt, but didn't know why until recently.
To make a long story short I was trying to help people in a hostile environment. I didn't go into many details, but when it came up in conversation I gave a brief overview and answered some questions.
I should probably make it clear that taking the conversation in that direction was my decision and keeping it there was both of our decisions. I had the option to start talking about something else, he did everything right by offering me the option not to answer questions. This isn't anything I was pressured into.
I was in a position where I was the odd one for caring about people. To give a snapshot, I was called crazy for believing someone who was suicidal and it didn't even surprise me. Just another day. The people running the place let that kind of thing stand and shut down people who were asking for help.
And now I'm catching myself being ashamed of having been involved in the first place. I was there to help and my friend saw that. I wouldn't have told him if my common sense said that there was a risk that he'd turn on me. But on some level that's what I'm expecting. All that talk about "you are the company you keep" (which the logical part of my head is trying to tell me that he's never said). I stuck around there and was willing to figure out how to make it work. I had to figure out what I could get away with without making things worse. I don't know how many bad decisions I made.
But at the same time I'm not the one who created that kind of environment. Then why on earth am I so ashamed of having been in it?
I don't really know what I want with this post. Sometimes writing stuff out helps me figure out what's going on.
I've been building a friendship where we bonded over a common interest that revealed that we have similar values. He's known that I'm dealing with survivor's guilt, but didn't know why until recently.
To make a long story short I was trying to help people in a hostile environment. I didn't go into many details, but when it came up in conversation I gave a brief overview and answered some questions.
I should probably make it clear that taking the conversation in that direction was my decision and keeping it there was both of our decisions. I had the option to start talking about something else, he did everything right by offering me the option not to answer questions. This isn't anything I was pressured into.
I was in a position where I was the odd one for caring about people. To give a snapshot, I was called crazy for believing someone who was suicidal and it didn't even surprise me. Just another day. The people running the place let that kind of thing stand and shut down people who were asking for help.
And now I'm catching myself being ashamed of having been involved in the first place. I was there to help and my friend saw that. I wouldn't have told him if my common sense said that there was a risk that he'd turn on me. But on some level that's what I'm expecting. All that talk about "you are the company you keep" (which the logical part of my head is trying to tell me that he's never said). I stuck around there and was willing to figure out how to make it work. I had to figure out what I could get away with without making things worse. I don't know how many bad decisions I made.
But at the same time I'm not the one who created that kind of environment. Then why on earth am I so ashamed of having been in it?
I don't really know what I want with this post. Sometimes writing stuff out helps me figure out what's going on.