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My bipolar moods (with severity)

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Today, because I have no vehicle, I went to the grocery store on foot as I sometimes do. I forgot, the other day, that I would need some things, when I had a ride available to me, and since I am depressed, it is seemingly easier to walk than call a bunch of folks and beg for a ride. However, I wish I had done so.

You see, I live in a farming community and around here the farmers use chicken manure to fertilize with. Guess what was in the air today while I walked to and from the grocery. EEEUUUUGH! It got into my sinuses, my eyes, you name it, it got into it.

Now, mind you, I am already suffering due to these antifungal meds that I am taking, not to mention what I am taking them for, and then this gets added into the mix? Don't ask me how I feel, because I would need to use some of those words I don't often use, which folks don't use in polite company! Suffice it to say that I am not feeling like eating lunch, which is what I should be doing at this hour.
 
Monday is my first therapy session with Faith, my new therapist. I am a bit nervous and relieved all at the same time. It has seemed like forever waiting for this, but now that it is almost here, I am a bit nervous about meeting a new therapist and not having that old familiarity that I am used to with the old one. I at least hope she will have read my file, so she has a bit of background info on my case.

Sometimes medical practitioners don't bother to read my intake info or sheet I fill out every time I come in for an appointment. Those things are just required by the government or something, I think, so they don't bother with them. They would rather hear it from me directly and see how I feel about what I am describing, I think. It is maddening though, to have to fill the stupid paper out every visit and then find out that they did not even read it!
 
I forgot that this was supposed to be about what MOOOD I am in and to what degree. That was why I started it, but it has sort of become a narrative of my life instead. I forgot to be conscious of my moods and log them as I have been doing this DIARY lately.

Anyway, I am a bit nervous about meeting my new therapist tomorrow. I'd say at a 7 or so. Will I like her? Will she make me comfortable?? What will she do with me??? Will she take my directions???? or will she try to work on something other than I told the intake interviewer that I wanted to work on?????

Also, I have a problem today. I started taking Wellbutrin yesterday and I am experiencing some physical sensations and dizziness today. I went to see my neighbor and asked if she had a blood pressure meter. She did and my B/P is normal. So it is not that. I took my 2nd salt/ potassium tablet for the day and I am feeling a lot less dizzy, so I think it was probably just that the sodium got flushed out of my system by one of my meds again. I checked to see if either of these new meds causes that and I could not find anything that says that either of them does. However, it could be that one of them does and I need more than 2 salt tabs per day. UGH! This is all so tricky. I ate some salty stuff too, which might have helped.

Let's just say I am ticked off about one or more of my meds causing low blood sodium. Like at a 10! I have ended up in the Hospital twice now because of this side affect. It is dangerous. And I can be forgetful too, which is a huge problem. You see, if humidity gets to the salt tablet, it can dissolve and so I cannot keep my salt tabs in my meds planner for this reason. I have them in a plastic bag even, to protect them. For some reason, in my home, salt gets all messed up. It absorbs moisture, in other words. I do not know why, but this is a problem!!! So I have to REMEMBER to take them 2 times a day, and sometimes even 3 times a day. And I am having a lot of SENIOR MOMENTS. You know?? And if I don't take them, I can pass out and DIE!!! Because I live alone. THIS IS A PROBLEM!!!!!
 
One thing I just thought of. One of the meds, and I forget which one, can cause "frequent urination" which could flush the sodium out of my system. Oh dear. I have to go back and see which one it was. Yikes.
 
OK, so I met with Faith, my new therapist, and it went well. What we did was to set goals and she answered my questions. Basically I told her that solutions need to be written or printed, as I would not be able to remember them otherwise. She said she plans to do Trauma Based CBT and also help me to find solutions to my bipolar moods. I did not even know that was possible, what a joy that would be! Not to be at the mercy of my moods.... Hopeful at an 8.
 
I was just feeling some anxiety at a 10 or so. I prayed about it and eventually it went away. I have a benzo for it, but I hate to take it except for when I am going to bed. So I generally just deal with my anxiety during the day by prayer if I think of it and by gritting my teeth if I don't remember to pray. That is probably why I have had so many cavities.

Anyway, I get anxiety a lot about money and my future. I try not to worry about the future, but I do find myself being concerned about how on earth I will survive, living on Social Security as I get older. I just spent $67.00 on a week's groceries. The price of food has skyrocketted since I started to collect Disability back in 2002. My budget says $300.00 per month for food, but if I added up all I spend at the grocery store each month, I am pretty sure it is more than that.

I over buy food. I end up throwing out a lot of it, due to the fact that I am such a finicky eater. I have to be in the mood for something, in order to want to eat it. I was always this way. As a kid, I would refuse food and refuse to eat. My parents dealt with this by giving me the same plate of food at the next meal, and also by making me sit at the table and eat the food on that plate for hours, if need be, until I "cleaned that plate." I hated eating. I hated food. I was a very skinny kid.

I was thin all my adult life until a psychiatrist prescribed Xyprexa to me. I gained 60 pounds in 4 months! It took me 6 years to lose it, just to gain most of it back over the next six years, while on Geodon, which also is said by WebMD (if I recall) to cause weight gain. I am still taking the Geodon. My weight fluxuates now so I am about at 160, or was, about a month ago anyway. And my medical practitioner says I am "obese" but an MD friend of mine says I am just a little overweight. I agree with him. I am NOT obese. I am 5 foot 6.5 inches tall, so I am just a few pounds over my BMI.
 
I just re-read a bunch of PMs that I wrote and the replies and I am amazed at how MUCH of what was written that I have forgotten. I had to really think hard, to remember the actual events I described in these PMs. (And what others said too). If I really thought about it, most of it would come back to me.

I hate that I am losing my memory with a passion. In fact, I must apologize here and now, because I have probably repeated myself in this diary somewhere or someplace. I don't remember much of what I have written here, in fact.

I do recall that my new therapist did say that writing is a great tool and to use it often, so I will continue to write here as often as I can. I am sad at a 9 or so that I am losing my memory. I was tested for Dementia about a year or so ago and they said for sure that I do NOT have it. I was very relieved. None the less, they did take me off several medicines and prescribed others instead, that did not affect memory. I am still taking most of those newer medications now, but we did have to stop one of them, because it was for sure contributing to the low blood sodium badly. That med was called Oxcarbazepine.

Anyway, I did something for the first time yesterday which was to skip my starch at suppertime, so that I could eat it in the middle of the night. Sure enough, I did wake up in the middle of the night and I ate it then. That worked out well, because that saves on calories. I am trying not to gain any more weight!

(I read somewhere [I think Reader's Digest] that eating a starch can make you sleepy, so that is why I did this).
 
I took a day off from my computer. Sometimes that is a good thing to do.

I slept better last night, thanks. I don't recall how I slept the night before. But I guess it does not matter at this point.

I don't know if I ever mentioned, but my diagnoses are PTSD and Bipolar Type 1. I am supposing that the PTSD has been updated to cPTSD, but no one has said so officially or anything. I might get around to asking. Who knows, maybe I have some other diagnoses. I also have Third Stage Lyme Disease, which is a bacterial infection that does not ever go away. It is not terminal, but it is very serious and often ends me up in the hospital or on long duration high doses of antibiotics or anti-fungals. I am on the later now. It is a 42 day prescription. It makes me tired. And it probably won't solve the problem, because it takes longer than 42 days to handle nail fungus. I will be seeing my medical professional next Wednesday, so we will discuss what to do then. This was prescribed at Urgent Care. Also, I ordered a thing that treats nail fungus with light. It is expensive, but it might work. We shall see. It is said to be like something that some Doctors are using to treat this scourge.
 
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