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Relationship Should I Let Him Go?

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StrongHeart

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I'm glad I found this forum last night because it is answering so many questions for me about my guy's behavior. He's a combat veteran but I've known him most of my life. We only started a long distance relationship about 18 months ago, though we've maintained a friendship since we were kids. We see each other maybe once a month, but we talk daily - usually. I feel like I know him. But - he is definitely a different person from the one he was before the military. He has shared so much with me over these months, so many things he has seen that have scarred him deeply. I treasure those moments of trust he has given me, and being there for him has been very meaningful for both of us. I pushed him to start therapy, and he found a wonderful therapist that has helped him a great deal. We have so much in common, when we are together we are so happy, BUT there are all kinds of complications here. A few days ago we had an argument after he had a stressful situation, and he shut down. I didn't handle things well, and now I understand the cup overflowing analogy. In a normal relationship, it would have been a small bump in the road and solved immediately. For him, it put him over the edge, and I haven't heard from him since then, though I've texted and called. His phone is off and he's not returning anything. He's in isolation.

We were supposed to get together for the first time in a month tonight. I'm hurt, angry, saddened, and missing my guy, though I've only sent him supportive or light texts and messages. I want to be with him so badly, and the times that he's been "tripping" (what I call a ptsd episode) and we've gotten together, he's always said it helps him greatly. What do I do? My friends say to let him go, move on, find someone else because he takes too much of my energy, and causes too much pain with his withdrawals.

As I read many of the messages here and I see what the carers go through, I wonder if this is indeed worth it. We were so happy to find each other in a romantic way after having been close as friends, and this has been one of the greatest things that has happened to both of us. We have talked openly about ptsd and our relationship, and he is a wonderful communicator, except when he's just....gone. That makes it all the harder. I just don't know what to do, and I'm frustrated because he's not responding to me. This has happened before, and the silence was always broken by me contacting him. He has told me that he gets so deep into himself that he can't reach out, and then he feels so ashamed because he has ignored me. He knows how this hurts me, and that hurts him as well. I understand all of that. I just want to see my friend/lover tonight!
 
Hey Jedi'sGirl,

It sounds like his cup is overflowing tonight. Probably the hardest single thing I had to learn to do was to let go and give my Beloved her space. It hurt me so bad, it ripped my heart apart, but it was the best thing for her. When she felt better she came back, and then we talked again. But letting hergo so she could heal herself was terrible for me. The realisation that I was powerless to help her, that I was actually making things worse for her by trying to love her... it flies in the face of my common sense.

Give your guy his space. When he is ready he will make contact. We who are not sufferers have absolutely no idea how much they hurt, how hard it is for them. They dont describe it as "just surviving" for nothing...

Good luck, and keep reading on this forum, use your time alone to learn everything you can about PTSD, and if you can, try see a T yourself. Most important of all, take care of yourself! You cant support your sufferer if you are all messed up too.
 
I agree with SS Jedi'sGirl.

Hard as this is for you, it may be the time to let him be for now.

Sometimes the more you contact them, the further they move away. Give him space to pick himself back up from this down time. We know it is not easy, but it can be the best way to go.

Maybe the following linked thread will help you understand how the good stress of a relationship, can be too much for them, just as bad stress can be.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960[/DLMURL]

Looking after yourself is a major part of being in a PTSD relationship, so do it more and more, or you will fall under the strain of it.

Amethist.
 
Very wise words. I will do my best. The part that's so hard is that I know if I can physically touch him, I can help him. He always releases stress with physical touching.

The other thing that I keep hearing is something he said the last time I stepped back to give him space. I didn't try to contact him, I just let it go for 5 days. Then, on the 6th day, I called him and he answered. We talked and he said that the longer I went without trying to contact him, the more he just felt like I had found someone else, and that he had ruined any chance of a relationship with me. On my end, I kept feeling like he was sinking further into depression, and it turns out that was exactly what was happening. It's like he isolates himself but he doesn't really want to be alone. Does that make any sense?
 
It's like he isolates himself but he doesn't really want to be alone. Does that make any sense?

Hi Jedi'sGirl,

I have PTSD and it is not true for me. When I need alone-time, I really need alone-time. But maybe it's different for him. I suggest asking him. He is the only one who can tell you. :)

Best wishes to you.

p-no
 
Once a day text when he is down is probably OK. Just saying "Hope your coping OK", stuff like that will let him know you are there without overloading him.

PTSD causes them to think all sorts of crazy stuff, 5 years into it and my husband still feels insecure at times. So its not just the new to PTSD relationships that have issues like this, it is the long standing ones too.
 
I know what you mean JG. I truly do.

Why not write him an email, explain simply that you are giving him space to heal, that you are not leaving him, and that he needs to be the one to initiate contact each time after he has a "tripping" episode. Then he will know that you are there for him, and he can make that call when he feels ready again, knowing that you love him enough to give him his space... Tell him that if he needs physical touch, you will be there for him, then be there the moment he needs it. He will only need to do this once to see that you are sincere, and then perhaps he will find the sanctuary he needs.

Why not even send him a link to the Combat PTSD forum? I know he will find a lot of what he needs right there...
 
Do the good things for yourself that you always do, such as go out with friends, watch a good movie, all the good stuff you would do if you weren't in a relationship.

Treat yourself to days out, lunches out, coffee in a fancy cafe, anything that makes you feel good about yourself.

It may sound selfish to put yourself first, but this is a selfish illness.
 
I agree with Amethist 100% on the looking after yourself thing.

My sufferer feels guilty that I put my life on hold for her problems. So now I do things for myself, even though I don't really enjoy them as much as I would if she was with me. But she sees me "carrying on with life" and that allows her the "freedom" to spend her time with her emotions to self-heal. She doesnt feel the guilt of keeping me from my life while I deal with hers. Does that make sense?
 
p-no, thank you for that insight. I have to ask this, though, and I mean this completely respectfully. Have you ever been with people at a time when you were tripping and you were glad you went? For example, one time we went to visit a friend when he was completely totally out of it. We were together when the trip started, and it was triggered by him talking about an incident in which several people died. He needed to talk that morning, but we were already on our way out, so we sat in the car while he poured his story out and I held him.

After that, he was there in body but gone other than short answers. We had lunch and then went to our friend's house. Our friend didn't know (and truly doesn't understand ptsd) and she made some comments about his silence, but he went along without really being present.

As time went on, he was distracted a little and he later said he was glad he went when he would normally have just holed up in bed for the rest of the day. We also had this happen the last time we saw each other; he went through something highly stressful but I insisted we get together for dinner because I knew he hadn't eaten all day and was a mess. He reluctantly agreed but later that night said I was right, and that he probably would have just spent the evening with a bottle.

I guess what I'm asking is if sometimes it's better not to give in to that isolation pull? It seems with my guy that he just sinks deeper and deeper if I let it go and leave him alone, and that scares me because his thoughts can get pretty crazy.
 
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