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Should I Show Love Or Cut Ties?

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Stella22

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Help Please!
Ok, here is my story. My ex and I started seeing each other in Feb 2014. We were just friends at first, b/c he had a girlfriend and I was married. After I was separated we started seeing each other on an intimate level. We had everything in common, movies, gym life, religious background, age, done with having kids, and general life goals. He had been deployed 3 times, as a US Army Ranger. I didn't ask much about this b/c I didn't want to bring up something he was not comfortable talking about. Sometimes he would tell stories, but it was always him who brought it up. Anyway, we were together about 10 months and it was wonderful. I met his children who I fell in love with. They became a large part of my life every time they were in town and they loved me and my children as well. My ex was diagnosed with cancer about 2 months into the relationship. We told only about two or three other people, as he is very private. The surgery and rehab were rough and he was starting to feel healthy, life was getting good. He then started to get questioned by his friends, kids and parents... "who is this girl" , "are you dating" "is it serious" and he basically started backing off, about the same time he started to feel sick again. He had been put on another 4 weeks of chemo. He told me he was scared b/c he felt as though he has met the girl he wants to be with forever, but didn't know what was holding him up, he was afraid of hurting me and messing things up like he did in his marriage, didn't want to be a burden, "other girls had no emotional attachment, but with you there are feelings", "do you know what it is like to love someone so much, but know one day they just will not be there", said he was messed up in the head b/c of being in the military and had to work through his issues. I said I wish I could be in his head to read his thoughts, but he said "you never want to see what I have seen" He basically bailed and disappeared from all of our lives, hanging with all new friends and people, and other girls. He came back again about two months after he bailed, after the doctor said his cancer had shrunk again, put in another wonderful 6 weeks with me, but was hesitant to put a label on us. He then left again, just when it was getting serious and we have been on again off again since then. I know there have been other women, but nothing serious. Recently he only wants to be "friends" b/c he doesn't want to hurt me again, he is not sure he is meant to be with someone, he may just not be "built that way" He says he loves me and cares about me, he just doesn't know right now. When he is ready for a relationship, he will know. I asked him once more before I left... "is there any part of you that sees me as your future" his response was "a little". There are times in the past where he was so emotional, breaking down in tears with me over the love we have and the love his kids have for me, but it seems like he has now shut down again. There were times he would wake in the night and frantically search for me then hold me tight and fall back asleep. Should I keep showing him love or just cut ties and give him space? I love him so, but I may have to love me more.
 
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Hi Stella,
I said I wish I could be in his head to read his thoughts, but he said "you never want to see what I have seen"
Your motives for wanting to understand and know what he is thinking and feeling are good, and he is right as well. You don't want to see it. Trauma therapists have to do a lot of work, training, self care, and their own therapy to be able to handle hearing about trauma and not getting vicariously traumatized by hearing what their clients have been through. It's even more difficult for supporters to hear the stories of loved ones. It is worse than you can imagine, and especially painful to see someone describe it.
He basically bailed and disappeared from all of our lives, hanging with all new friends and people, and other girls.
He then left again, just when it was getting serious and we have been on again off again since then.
It seems like he may want to be with you, but can't handle being emotionally close.
Recently he only wants to be "friends" b/c he doesn't want to hurt me again, he is not sure he is meant to be with someone, he may just not be "built that way" He says he loves me and cares about me, he just doesn't know right now.
When he is ready for a relationship, he will know.
He will know, but it will likely be after getting therapy or doing other work on himself. You don't actually say if he has PTSD, or is in treatment. There are some clues that he may have it, and maybe not. Going through cancer alone is a big deal, and sounds like he has some tough war stories to be sure. If he does have PTSD, then the push and pull with you may get worse, the shutting down and any symptoms of PTSD may get worse for awhile before it gets better.
Should I keep showing him love or just cut ties and give him space? I love him so, but I may have to love me more.
Love is usually not enough when it comes to being in a relationship with someone who has gone through trauma and is still affected by it. Usually, there has to be an ability to reach out and get help, on both sides, to make it work over the long haul. You do love him, and in the end, you have to be the one to make the decision if this is the relationship for you or not.
 
Nobody can say what will happen if you do, or what if you don't. No guarantees in life. Only guarantee is this will likely continue to be a problem if this relationship goes on, and it could get worse in some ways, better in others, in ways nobody could predict.

Nobody can give you practical advice in matters of the heart because, love, is not practical, is it?
 
What is his prognosis regarding his cancer? PTSD aside, but certainly not minimizing it, cancer is a huge burden on relationships. I'm sure he's pondering death and feeling angry that he sacrificed so much, and I mean SO MUCH for his country, it's just not fair to have to stare down cancer. Maybe all he's capable of right now is survival mode. What a mind f*ck he must be living. Cancer sucks.

I've had friends who were in loving relationships that disintegrated due to cancer. The guys just wanted to be noncommittal and get instant gratification.

You need to keep yourself sane. If you are ruminating over what happened and what does the future hold, then you're not living in the present. Today's the only chance you have of making it a good day.
 
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