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Should One Person's Beauty Be A Standard To Judge Another Person???

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J_trustno1

MyPTSD Pro
I know that the question itself is wrong and doesn't sound very nice but shallow. If I didn't have body image issues I wouldn't have been asking this question. I know that there will be people who are better looking and worse looking that I am. I know that internal beauty matters more than external. However, the problem comes in when there is a better looking female and I start feeling that I'm not good enough. I start feeling down on myself, I don't hate her for being pretty or anything but I start demeaning the person I am which is no way near healthy for my person growth.

Why is that we are always looking at someone better than us in terms of looks or other standards? Why can't we just accept ourselves for who we are? I always struggle with my self-image as soon as I see a better looking female, and I just shut myself and pretend I don't exist anyone. I know that I'm harming myself but how do I change this??

Thanks for reading this.
 
I think this is mostly a self-esteem issue like you've pointed out, and it's clear from your other posts that your appearance does attract men, so I'm feeling like it's a fairly robust assumption for me to say you're way better looking than you give yourself credit for.

Before you get flooded with "You go girl" messages (which is exactly what I'm thinkjng), I would pause for a moment and say that casting initial judgments about other people based on their appearance is a lot like "stress" - we perceive it as something bad that we want to get rid of, but actually it's just about managing it, because it's not only normal and healthy, but actually really helpful.

If you imagine yourself walking into a big lecture theatre full of students, and the only available seats are next to someone else, how do you decide where to sit? The physical appearance and body language of the different students is going to be at least one factor in helping you decide.

If you go to a party and the people you know haven't arrived, which group of people might you be okay standing near, and which ones are you going to avoid? You haven't got much else to go on except appearance - odds are that the local hoodlums standing in one corner smoking a doobie, avoid them; while a couple of girls about your age dressed similarly, that seems safer.

Assessing our own appearance, and how we want to be perceived on first impressions is the same, and can be similarly helpful or unhelpful depending on whether you can manage it with a rational mind. So when you dress for uni in the morning and look in the mirror, your brain is assessing "how do I look?" because it matters.

The trick is to be able to identify the helpful, rational assessments from the unhelpful irrational assessments. "My God my arse looks like an elephant's behind"...irrational and unhelpful. "Maybe wearing this same shirt 2 weeks straight might make people think I'm a bit unhygienic and gross"...helpful and pretty rational. Change into a clean shirt, and stop worrying about your booty:(
 
I try to go into why I feel uncomfortable with which thing about my body.

And then go on a long tirade if it really matters for my life.

Some of these things do. Most of them don't. They don't hold me back from getting where I want to be getting, I learned workarounds for the awful & embarassing moments, & I plain don't give a damn what people say very often, even when still dysphoric with myself & affected by their reactions.
 
How do you change?

I have no idea!

I do understand where you're coming from.

Who decides what beauty is though? I most definitely have a certain "type" that I find attractive but it isn't necessarily what society/the media tells me what is attractive. I oftentimes think that male/female models aren't that attractive (to me). I don't even really find myself being all that physically attracted to someone until I get to know them.

I do feel intimidated when in the presence of incredibly attractive women, but I don't necessarily start comparing myself to them and making myself feel like I come up short.

I say natural is beautiful, and there is beauty in confidence. Be proud of what you are and what you've got!
 
Didnt read the comments here yet, but want to say thanks so much for bringing this issue up Jass. Thought I was alone about feeling this way.
In terms of fysical I guess I look what people call good today cause of all training past years. But otherwise nah I dont look your typical female sweet and nice. And I know I get judged by that. Im trying to let it go cause I cant change my fierce looking lion face and hair anyway, but aint easy. Now In addition comes the age as a new issue to deal with. Its for sure not easy being female and its a shame society hasnt come any further in 2016 then judging the book by its cover.
 
When I was a teenager, I was quite beautiful and I hated that, because I wanted the boys to like me for my intellect, not my looks. I found it very hard to trust any boy that tried to make a pass at me at all. I just wanted a friend or friends in them. I never wanted to have any children, I wanted to live a life without sex.

When I chose a husband (boyfriend at first, of course) I chose a man who was 5 inches shorter than I, and not particularly good looking, and we never did end up having children either. When I met him and married him, I had no idea of my sexual abuse background, it was completely buried. I did not discover it until years later in therapy. By then I had, had several miscarriages due to the Lyme Disease I have (a bacterial infection caused by tick bites). That last was just an unfortunate accident. I regret not having grandchildren now.

However, my point is that our looks and how we react to them may well have to do with our past abuse. Who knows? I felt safe with this man who seemed not to so much be interested in sex as just to talk with me and have an interest in what I had to say. I married him for his sense of humor. To me, a sense of humor is a must in people, if they are to survive this world!
 
Two fold issue for me... one is that my voice, face and body changed from a whole bunch of steroids... I don't like the change but am healthier, stuck with it.
The other is that I tend to glance at people (now that I'm in a gym) rather than look at them and am keenly aware more about the fact that I view their appearances in general - intimidating or at least feel that I am more unlovely than those around me. All those mirrors are useful for posture and structural issues, giving visual feedback... but they also shove it in my face (are confronting me) about my own appearance, face and body issues.
 
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