• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sufferer Shutting Down

Status
Not open for further replies.

Hammy

New Here
Having been raised by a full-blown narcissistic mother I have many of the symptoms of Complex PTSD. I have improved many of the symptoms through lots of talk therapy, and during the worst times, anti-depressants.

However, I haven't been able to improve what is mostly an inexplicable response. Whenever I attempt to study, read, or work on projects that would further develop my career (or entirely self-serving), I shut down by getting very sleepy. The only way to stop it is to switch to doing very safe activities such as cleaning.

I'd be really interested to hear whether anyone has heard of shutting down in this fashion or what types of therapy might address these symptoms. My current therapist seems to be getting a little closer, but it's very slow going.

It's as if I am a fainting goat.
 
My first thought was that perhaps you feel overwhelmed and check out in order to cope with it. Studying and projects take mental focus that can be very challenging if your symptoms of PTSD are active. Multitasking is difficult too. What I did to help with college work was to schedule a nap every day. I still do 15 years later. Recently I have been feeling regret that I haven't been able to reach my potential. I can't seem to build up or discuss deep philosophical theories. Or discourse of human events, globalization or pretty much anything that challenges my mental stability. The naps give my mind the break it needs to get my work done. Creatively I am vacant.

You may be at a point in therapy that is particularly time consuming. Therapy is hard when you are actively trying to change PTSD behaviors. Be kind to yourself and if you need downtime it doesn't mean you can't get your studies done.
 
You know, I've never thought about this until I read your post. I do the same thing at times. Another thing I have a problem with, whenever I do anything that goes against the grain of how I was raised, is that my mind goes completely blank. I've often wondered about that but thought it was only me. It's as if I all of a sudden become stupid and can't comprehend a thing.

I was also raised by a Narc mother and a flying monkey stepfather. School was a nightmare for me. She decided that I was to follow in her footsteps and be a bookkeeper/accountant like her. I wanted to be a vet. I hated accounting. I was told what I was going to study. I was told I was going to take all business classes. Well, math isn't my strong suit, I'm not very good at typing and I just plain did not get Accounting beyond the basics. Needless to say I didn't get very good grades and had to do a lot of extra credit work just to pass. Of course she had been a straight A student without trying in all those classes and made me feel stupid for not being able to do the same. I was punished for not doing well, usually for entire semesters. I spent the majority of my high school years grounded. I even went on to study Accounting in college. Needless to say I didn't get very far.

i was raised with that attitude that I was never going to amount to anything. I was stupid. I have taken tests over the years to gauge my intelligence and aptitude and I know now that I am anything but stupid. But that didn't happen until I was almost 30. It was as if blinders had been taken off for the first time. It was an amazing feeling knowing that what they had told me was wrong.
 
Whenever I attempt to study, read, or work on projects that would further develop my career (or entirely self-serving), I shut down by getting very sleepy. The only way to stop it is to switch to doing very safe activities such as cleaning.

This sounds familiar. Since you can switch it off by changing activities...I suspect Kwan is onto something.

My first thought was that perhaps you feel overwhelmed and check out in order to cope with it. Studying and projects take mental focus that can be very challenging if your symptoms of PTSD are active.

I had a very tough time in school, I had intense PTSD symptoms and one was "checking out" I would try to study and lose time. This crippled me for years even post college. I didn't know what it was, I would get almost sleepy feeling and fall into a "daydream" and then "poof" I was gone. In your case...you get sleepy? It just sounds familiar to me....

I can't say for sure of course but the stress of my new environment, challenges, my recent "escape" from abuse etc etc. it is all so clear looking back. It was a frustrating time for me, I'm glad you are seeing this so you can sort it out and not let it control you life, your goals....

Recently I have been feeling regret that I haven't been able to reach my potential.

Yea, I know that as well. Still trying to figure out how to make peace with this part.

Good luck and take care Hammy, you are onto something and you'll figure it out.

Best Whirlwind
 
@Hammy Welcome to the forum!

Your reference to the fainting goat made me smile and with PTSD when a person gets overwhelmed by something stressful, our brains shift into a coping mechanism that addresses that increased stress. Your response may be shutting it all out by sleeping and finding a way to reduce the stress before it gets to that point may be a viable option. For myself, I find that breaking a challenging task down into smaller ones with breaks in between helpful. Also, I am better in the morning and I tackle things that require a greater degree of concentration at that time.

Check out the various threads and posts and there may be something that clicks with you. Sometimes it is a matter of trial and error to find what works best.
 
Thanks for the responses and support.

What has made this such a mystery is that it has nothing to do with how rested or how difficult the material is. It can kick in after a good nights sleep, a nap, or a 30 minute walk on a nice day. And it happens with all types of material. Sometimes, it gets worse the more interesting the material or the more it starts coming together in my mind.

Apparently there's a trigger, like there is for the goat, but it's just not clear how to identify and address it. I'll keep looking and thanks for the suggestions and encouragement.
 
you'll figure it out.

When I first read this Whirlwind, I dismissed it immediately - I have been working on this for thirty years. The casual suggestion sounded ridiculous. On the other hand, coming from a complete stranger who was hanging out on a PTSD site meant that it clearly wasn't loaded with an uncoded message (as my own baggage likes to insist) so I just meditated on your statement.

As I sat and meditated, a really significant piece of the puzzle that I have been working on for years revealed itself: My inner child, for reasons I won't go into here, has been in charge of most parts of my life. *It can only allow me to have things that a child can handle*.

Whenever I move toward adult things (relationships, responsibilities, learning, challenges without a certain outcome, new responsibilities etc.) it shuts down the only way it knows. This began to immediately answer a whole lot of questions.

This will give me some really good information to take to therapy. So a big thanks to you (and all who responded) for the supportive comments.
 
I relate to your issue as I was 'raised' by a borderline mother, with a lot of narcissism present. Such a parent demands from the child that the whole world of the child should be revolved around that parent. Always focused on the needs of the parent.
When you start to do activities for your own needs, this is from the child's point of view, dangerous and probably unwanted by the parent. The parent could potentially abandon you if you do not serve their needs or even try to have your own needs. I believe it is the danger and anxiety that make you a fainting goat. If you go past the freeze response, also called tonic immobility, you go into the faint response, also called collapse, the fear overwhelms you so much that you have to give up. In somatic experiencing these type of survival responses is what is worked with, and it is very efficient telling from my own experience. At the moment I am also working through a collapse or faint response, which has to do with me simply standing upright. My mother never wanted me to stand, as a borderline mother does not accept the child to gain individuality, and now I have to go through this baby phase where you develop this, and have to decouple standing from the disastrous abandonment reaction(s) by my mother at the time.
 
Wow @Born to Run your mother sounds really difficult. Since one of my past psychiatrists dx'd me as Borderline (which my current therapist disagrees with) I am left wondering what I did to my kids. They are both very happy and functional but they don't particularly like to be with me. I've thought it is because I don't drink and am therefore boring. I'm going to talk to them about it. Where do you learn what a borderline mother does??
 
@KwanYingirl I had to laugh about your sentence that you don't drink and are therefore boring. No, I don't think you are boring from reading your posts on the forum. I also don't drink, so no offense. There are a few books on this; although I have read them from 'the child of' perspective, so would need to check if useful for 'the mother of' perspective. One book I really like is 'Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Mason & Kreger. This describes in detail how a borderline person makes you feel, but it also explains from examples how the borderline person reasons. Another one is 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' by Lawson. I do not like the writing style so much of the latter, but it is insightful in the so called 4 different types of borderline mother she has identified. The first book could be insightful for your children as well to see if they may recognize what is described in there. You can take a look inside at Amazon.
In my case anything that would lead to me being a separate person, an individual, having a sense of self was categorically destroyed. Always by emotional and verbal abuse, extreme manipulation, mind control, chronic invalidation and complete destruction. Recently I have remembered -with SE- that she tried to kill me two times as a baby, most likely related to me trying to stand or doing something on my own initiative.

ETA
Forgot to say that borderline is a whole spectrum of severity and it does not have to be as bad as I describe from personal experience. And you could take a look at the DSM-V criteria to see if you might recognise yourself in there, although self diagnosis is not really valid of course.
 
Last edited:
I have been working on this for thirty years. The casual suggestion sounded ridiculous.

Hammy, I understand and I don't mean it to be trite comment. Thank you for looking past that, it wasn't my intent by any means. None of this is easy, I was more excited that you recognized something was amiss...me, I literally ignored so many signs for a very long time.

Best, Whirlwind
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top