Wow! Where do I begin? So overwhelmed and loaded down with too much at present. Got through something terrible this morning and managing to cope at the moment. Here goes present time story: Tues. day went to Optha. appt. in big city. Husband with his tensions, the police needing to get by, sirens, many interrupt. in convers. from kids, general city stress and difficulty finding parking and office had me stressed, edgy and hypervigilant. Managed to cope fairly well despite it all and left appt. having sched. a vitrectomy on my left eye, for Dec. Given there is risk involved and eye surgery frightens me and husband. Husband does not yet know how to be emot. be supportive in times of need, I am emot. alone in this, but know that I must follow-thru never-the-less. Yesterday, I awoke phys. sick and in pain on the whole Rt. sd. of my head and throat. I’ve prev. read a post where batgirl uses the term “poor perceiver,” Well, if that’s what I think it is…me too. So I uncons. minimized the pain, ‘felt the pain’ and got through yest., still sick but fell asleep early. Also, yest. Was my 1st day, nic. patch, no cigg’s; Likewise, today’s my 2nd. Upon awakening this morning a frightening, stressful, overwhelming experience of utter sickness and phys. collapse. Of course, my PTSD jollies in taking advantage when I am phys. ill and runs it’s course. Now I’m amazed with my ability to sit here right now and be able to think, concentrate and type at app. 9am after what I exper. From 5:15am to 7am. Here’s that story: 1st to awake this morning. I awoke in serious pain in right side of head, (glands, behind jaw, right eye and ear and temple). Unable to think clearly, know what to do and function. In time I managed to get 2 Motrin into me. After husb. awoke he recomend. 2 more Motrin. But, before the orig. 2 Motrin took affect. I was depleted of all energy and barely able to move. I both sat and stood in pain, compl. unable to think a single thought at this point, unable to act or budge. I was in much pain, having to cope with this alone and with tears rolling down my face. Husb. was glancing my way every so often, but not saying anything. And then the worse pain developed in the form of enormous pressure in the back of my skull and neck. I found a way of reaching back, kind of bracing, stretching and holding neck and skull up while standing, feet firmly planted, rocking left to right, crying, quivering 97% unable to think, and releasing much fear. This went on for quite a while and though my 6 yr. old son was now awake and witnessing my condition, there was nothing I could say or do to pretend. At one point after asking if I was O.K. he invited me into the living room to sit with him and his father and he provided me with a blanket. While sitting and still in great pain, I envisioned what would relieve this pain, me lying on my back on a bare metal slab. Of course then, and for the moment, I realized that death apparently looked quite welcoming to me if only I could wake up from it at some point. I took more Motrin and it slowly controlled my phys. illness over the next hr. Husb. went off to work with very little said. I imagine he felt he must as Tues. he stayed home for Optham. appt. and again on Wed. as son had allergist appt. simultan. w/ teacher conf. He has 8wks of family sick time on record and will take 1 wk in Dec. when I have surgery. Before meeting and marrying me 9+ yrs. ago, he NEVER took sick time, vac., comp., pers. free days allotted him, NOTHING! He didn’t point this out to me, I discov. this. My point in writing all this is that I’m going to need someplace to get out all my daily stresses as I march forward in my healing process and I may as well start somewhere. I Am Sick ‘N’ Tired of Being Sick ‘N’ Tired. We’ve all heard this before, but in fact these are the perfect words to truly describe where I’m at in my life. I can’t go on in this health I’m ..(not in) and hope to live much longer. My husb., children, and I don’t deserve this unnecessary suffering. Yes, life will bring grief, loss and suffering, however in my life I’ve been set forth in destruction (a process of suicide,) (and always unable to get my desire, PTSD knowledge of, and PTSD & life managing and coping skills working collectively), for far too many years and despite many honest efforts. (Well intentioned, or not.) I simply did not have the Knowledge, Trauma Healing Process, and consistent Acceptance, and Resources available to do anything other than blot out the reality of my intolerable Mental and Physical PTSD (primary & secondary) condition(s). In hindsight I can see where my parents child rearing and my growing up process, has been rather my parents sacrificing me and arranging to suit me for their collective, their borg. Definition of a borg as I see it: Many captured indiv., then broken down, corrupted & brain-washed. Extens. of one mind…one mission. That one mind & mission being that of none other than a self-appointed, pathetic, moronic, murderous being. Sounds like the f’n devil huh? Well, that exactly how the chief culprits and force resulting in my traumatic and debilitating exper.’s are perceived by me, at this time. Enough for me right now, as perhaps I might lose complete touch with the present, transported back in time, and swallowed the f*#! up. It’s hard to admit that I think and feel this way as I can be very self-judgemental, but if there’s any hope of healing I minus well continue on with the truth.