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Sick ‘N’ Tired of being Sick ‘N’ Tired –Gotta Get It Out!

Discussion in 'General' started by goingonhope, Nov 9, 2006.

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  1. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Wow! Where do I begin? So overwhelmed and loaded down with too much at present. Got through something terrible this morning and managing to cope at the moment.

    Here goes present time story: Tues. day went to Optha. appt. in big city. Husband with his tensions, the police needing to get by, sirens, many interrupt. in convers. from kids, general city stress and difficulty finding parking and office had me stressed, edgy and hypervigilant. Managed to cope fairly well despite it all and left appt. having sched. a vitrectomy on my left eye, for Dec. Given there is risk involved and eye surgery frightens me and husband. Husband does not yet know how to be emot. be supportive in times of need, I am emot. alone in this, but know that I must follow-thru never-the-less.

    Yesterday, I awoke phys. sick and in pain on the whole Rt. sd. of my head and throat. I’ve prev. read a post where batgirl uses the term “poor perceiver,” Well, if that’s what I think it is…me too. So I uncons. minimized the pain, ‘felt the pain’ and got through yest., still sick but fell asleep early. Also, yest. Was my 1st day, nic. patch, no cigg’s; Likewise, today’s my 2nd.

    Upon awakening this morning a frightening, stressful, overwhelming experience of utter sickness and phys. collapse. Of course, my PTSD jollies in taking advantage when I am phys. ill and runs it’s course. Now I’m amazed with my ability to sit here right now and be able to think, concentrate and type at app. 9am after what I exper. From 5:15am to 7am.

    Here’s that story: 1st to awake this morning. I awoke in serious pain in right side of head, (glands, behind jaw, right eye and ear and temple). Unable to think clearly, know what to do and function. In time I managed to get 2 Motrin into me. After husb. awoke he recomend. 2 more Motrin. But, before the orig. 2 Motrin took affect. I was depleted of all energy and barely able to move. I both sat and stood in pain, compl. unable to think a single thought at this point, unable to act or budge. I was in much pain, having to cope with this alone and with tears rolling down my face. Husb. was glancing my way every so often, but not saying anything. And then the worse pain developed in the form of enormous pressure in the back of my skull and neck. I found a way of reaching back, kind of bracing, stretching and holding neck and skull up while standing, feet firmly planted, rocking left to right, crying, quivering 97% unable to think, and releasing much fear. This went on for quite a while and though my 6 yr. old son was now awake and witnessing my condition, there was nothing I could say or do to pretend. At one point after asking if I was O.K. he invited me into the living room to sit with him and his father and he provided me with a blanket. While sitting and still in great pain, I envisioned what would relieve this pain, me lying on my back on a bare metal slab. Of course then, and for the moment, I realized that death apparently looked quite welcoming to me if only I could wake up from it at some point. I took more Motrin and it slowly controlled my phys. illness over the next hr. Husb. went off to work with very little said. I imagine he felt he must as Tues. he stayed home for Optham. appt. and again on Wed. as son had allergist appt. simultan. w/ teacher conf. He has 8wks of family sick time on record and will take 1 wk in Dec. when I have surgery. Before meeting and marrying me 9+ yrs. ago, he NEVER took sick time, vac., comp., pers. free days allotted him, NOTHING! He didn’t point this out to me, I discov. this.

    My point in writing all this is that I’m going to need someplace to get out all my daily stresses as I march forward in my healing process and I may as well start somewhere. I Am Sick ‘N’ Tired of Being Sick ‘N’ Tired. We’ve all heard this before, but in fact these are the perfect words to truly describe where I’m at in my life.

    I can’t go on in this health I’m ..(not in) and hope to live much longer. My husb., children, and I don’t deserve this unnecessary suffering. Yes, life will bring grief, loss and suffering, however in my life I’ve been set forth in destruction (a process of suicide,) (and always unable to get my desire, PTSD knowledge of, and PTSD & life managing and coping skills working collectively), for far too many years and despite many honest efforts. (Well intentioned, or not.) I simply did not have the Knowledge, Trauma Healing Process, and consistent Acceptance, and Resources available to do anything other than blot out the reality of my intolerable Mental and Physical PTSD (primary & secondary) condition(s).

    In hindsight I can see where my parents child rearing and my growing up process, has been rather my parents sacrificing me and arranging to suit me for their collective, their borg. Definition of a borg as I see it: Many captured indiv., then broken down, corrupted & brain-washed. Extens. of one mind…one mission. That one mind & mission being that of none other than a self-appointed, pathetic, moronic, murderous being. Sounds like the f’n devil huh? Well, that exactly how the chief culprits and force resulting in my traumatic and debilitating exper.’s are perceived by me, at this time.

    Enough for me right now, as perhaps I might lose complete touch with the present, transported back in time, and swallowed the f*#! up. It’s hard to admit that I think and feel this way as I can be very self-judgemental, but if there’s any hope of healing I minus well continue on with the truth.
     
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  3. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

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    I'm really glad you feel that you can come to this forum and unload a little bit. Hopefully you were able to gain a little peace after putting all those emotions on "cyber paper."
    We're here for eachother...
     
  4. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    ...I was Boo, I was. I most certainly was able to gain some peace and clearer thinking.

    I'm now feeling some hatred, I know where it ought to be directed. It's a feeling that can only be felt and gotten through with good actions on my part. Most definately wise actions...and nothing directed toward anyone nor the people it's due: those self-appointed, pathetic, moronic, murderous predators, who abused me and family members I loved. As long as I acknowledge my now present feeling I'll be able to get past it without hurting anyone's feelings. As far as the phys. illness goes, Motrin is presently relieveing much pain.
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Ahhhhh.... now your talking Hope. Now your starting to get the shits with it all, which means you will force yourself into wanting to heal completely, instead of putting up with this shit in a constant life cycle to the point of wiping you out. Sure, your going to have PTSD your entire life now, and you will have cycles throughout, ups and downs as such, but those downs can certainly be minimised to fu*kall when healed and learnt how to manage PTSD.

    I am seriously liking where your moving now Hope... please keep going for your own benefit.
     
  6. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    It was a nice morning. Had an opportunity to help children study for spelling test in addition to all the rest. Daughter was excited and feeling confidant and competent when she left for school. Always nice to see.

    Found previous writings of years gone by. I didn’t know I had any of this writing still. Thought I had thrown it out or lost it all, OTY. Reading it caused some anxiety, so I set it aside for now. It’s discovery, however, and my reading some of it, resulted in my newest creative idea, plus it created the necessity for me to take care of some chores and hard work around the house, as I don’t want to expend too much mental energy, invite too many emotions and unnecessarily burden myself and family. So I find phys. work mandatory and a way of coping at times.

    Striving to bring family, respons., healing and pers. goals in balance ea. day now. Having perfectionist compulsions, I’ll have to settle for the best I can do and regardless of any expect. placed upon me, my pers. conviction is: “I know I’m doing the very best, I can possibly do at this time, and I know this will fluctuate more or less on any given day.” No longer need to deny this. This is a self-esteem thing for me, because I’ve often allowed others to determine my self-worth, by how much I please them. And, I’ve also felt provoked into great frustration when I’m doing everything within power to please, and being told ISMW, I’m failing. I don’t think it’s in our, (husb. families & me) best interest for me to allow myself to be and remain flooded with too much memory and emotion, I am willing to be honest enough to keep goingonhope, confronting and pacing myself forward. (Not suggesting that anyone else thinks it's in our best interest to do this either) / (my fear & insec. is trying to interfere w/ me expressing myself and simply posting).

    3rd day on nic. patch. Hoping to find new (never before contemplated)ideas for coping, living and perform. req. juggling act.

    Does anyone have any ideas as to natural or holistic ways in which we encourage things like increased energy/health, motivation, healing through our actions (in addition to our therapies).

    Any ideas on some things that are viable that we can we put into our bodies to create a natural mind and mood altering affect, when our anxiety and/or other intense PTSD emotions are gearing up and threaten to cripple? You see for many years, I’ve always resorted to something.

    Wrote what I did earlier, 2 hrs. ago to be precise and got this out and had to go someplace and now I’ve returned and I feel great in that I’m feeling good about myself today, and 95% of the feelings are positive (highly unusual). However, I’m either naturally high, manic or somehow accid. ingesting too much nicotine in the form of patch. I’m feeling racy and feel like I need to calm down. Maybe a late lunch will do it.

    ...you know Anthony this can be perceived 2 ways. The 1st time I understood it as you calling me by my forum username...the 2nd time, as if you're making the statement, 'Now you're talking hope.' I like that. ...coool.

    Anxious right now as I have 6 min. to post and get back out the door.
     
    Boo-Damphir likes this.
  7. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Well that's good, yesterday was the other extreme. 85% of my feelings sucked. I wanted to push everyone away and be by myself. I lost my temper and I was way too tired. Aunt was over visiting and she went so far as to slip and say I was neglecting her. She had offered to buy pizza for the family and I suggested, why doesn't she take her nephew (which is my husb.), our kids and son's playdate out to the pizza place instead. They'all went and though I felt somewhat sad, I was glad. This is what freed out time for me to join in the group chat and learn how it works. When aunt and family returned home, boy was she surprised to find me in a much better mood, and glad. (5th day wo cigg and pleased)
     
  8. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    5 days! congratulations! good job!
     
  9. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    About 180 cigg's less I didn't have to smoke. Feeling phys. better. Everything makes more sense. Sometimes quite painful sense, but more sense. My self-esteem has increased some in last 6 wks. and more in last 5 days. Actually showered, dressed up, did my hair, make-up the whole works. Went out with my husb. tonight, not out on the town or anything, but out NTL. Have hope in that I'm not anticipating suddenly dropping dead. Since I have been so addictively smoking, not smoking, makes doing this trauma work make more sense. One of the things husb. and said 3wks. ago was what good is it that you spend your time willing to confront your trauma if you smoke yourself to death, prematurely. And, it wasn't so much the quanity of cigg's in comparison, more or less my already deteriorating health. 39 yrs. old and the last few yrs. walking and playing with kids a constant struggle for breath...waking up nauses... hacking... the works. Not pleasant to listen to if you're a kid. I remember having to do so with most members of my family, and couldn't stand it. Don't know what I'm going to do when I start reading my diary again tomorrow more regularly and continuing. Suspect I'll feel much, and knowing me, feeling intense and deeply. Would like to kick this whole PTSD thing in the ass though, more than anything, so long as I can cont. to be here for my children and husb., which I'm trusting that I can.

    And, THX cookie.
     
  10. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Something has dawned on me in the last 5 min. before going to bed. At the very least, I have spent the last two decades pushing people away and out of my life all because I couldn't believe the good that others would say about me, (instantly disregarded all and any of it) and my own self-esteem and perception was so shot and distorted. Just moments before attempting to go to bed, I feel so very sad.
     
  11. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hope, well done with the cigs. I must say though, the hard stuff is yet to start with the kicking the habit... I think it usually gets tough around the 3 - 5 week mark, when the nicotine is actually withdrawing from your system itself... damn withdrawals. Good luck with this, and I know you have it in you to beat the cigs. Well done and know I am rooting for you...
     
  12. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Stupid, stupid, stupid f'n me. Picking and choosing what to accomplish this morning, as I have many many chooses and so I come across these writings again, and just know I have to get these tucked away someplace safe, and so before doing so I figure I'll take a glance in these envelopes and read a little, and glance at the pictures. All a big f'n mistake as now my anxiety is very high. It's like I've situated myself now, that I've accidentally allowed some internal door to be unlocked and swung open. I'm envisioning a door that had previously locked-up and hid my consciousness of my traumas behind it. Now I'm fck'd because it all wants out at the same time. It's like it's making a hell'a'va lot of noise smashing and banging upon this door. I can feel it all in my chest. I'm trying to do what's right, a little at a time. But my chest feels like I'd get much relief if someone would only toss me down to the floor, rest their large foot upon my chest and apply signif. pressure. Oh' no I'm not going any further with this as I can almost see who, when and where before my eyes. The hell with this, I'm just going to hang in there and very carefully and strategically attempt to pull my attention back to the present. I can hear myself now thinking bad of myself for being in this f'n pathetic state of mind right now and not being more available for others.
     
  13. JoannaG

    JoannaG Active Member

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    The opening that door again scares the hell out of me too Hope. I am amazed what you have accomplished with the quitting smoking. Be proud of yourself for that.
    Exposing yourself to all those writings at this point wow. Mine are still stored in my barn and don't know if I am strong enough to do it at this point.
    I am impressed you had the courage to try.
    I am sure Anthony and others will have some helpfull advice for you. Be kind and patient to yourself. I think you have been doing great.
     
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