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Sick To Death Of Partner's Lazyness And Slacker Attitude

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Mallaky

MyPTSD Pro
So, I am the one with PTSD.

I am making progress and I work hard on myself. My partner makes zero progress for years, and yesterday was the point I could not take it anymore.

He is become such a lazy, spoiled, slacking child, while I try hard to become a grown up everyday. This year it has gotten worse.

Ever since he is suspecting (with good reason) he has high-functioning autism/aspergers he just stopped even trying. Diagnose will be late next year. I am going insane here.

Since that aspergers thing, he blames it for EVERYTHING. He has become impossible to have a conversation with, he has become indifferent and, well, just the spitting imagine of some lazy pothead good-for-nothing who only cares about being comfortable and having it easy. I have moved in a very different direction.
Since he learned about having aspergers it has gotten much, much worse. The diagnosis is still far off, but its a pretty safe bet. Since he learned about it, everything is just Aspergers. He does not give a f*ck. Aspergers. Partner cries because he was such a dick? Aspergers. His back f*cked up because he doesn't care about his posture. Aspergers. He hasn't managed to not speak like a 5 year old for 2 weeks counting? Aspergers. Too lazy for excercise? Aspergers. Being rude and awfull? Aspergers. Buying the wrong groceries? Aspergers. And so on and on and on

I cannot live like this anymore. Yesterday was a major, major, major crisis and he broke my heart and whats his response? He think its because of his f*cking executive function. He just can't accept him being at fault, ever.

I don't know what to do about this. He is a student for 2 more years, 34 old now because of his own issues when younger but on track now, and I have very little money myself. I want to leave and I don't want to see him, but I don't know how this all could work.

He is just work work work work work and trigger and stress. I really loved him once, but I don't know if after yesterday I can anymore.

We are together for over 8 years now. This is all so terrible, I just want to lay in bed and cry. I don't know what to do.
I don't have a partner anymore. I have a stupid teenage slacker. I am so sick of this. I imagine myself beating him up and when he complains about it shrugging with my shoulders and say "It's PTSD, hun." and beating some more. Maybe then he would get the message. Probably not though. I am joking of course.
 
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I'm very sorry that your partner cannot see his way to work toward better health, @Mallaky .

Some people have both Asperger's and another issue. For instance, there are "personality disorders". A lot of people who have those are never diagnosed with them because the people do not see those behaviors as a problem, so never seek help for them.


Your post sounds very very similar to my marriage that I recently ended -- although our partners could definitely have different issues. I decided to tell people that he had turned into an actual potato, since he spent so much time on the couch (we have a phrase "couch potato"). One can't expect a root vegetable to work on their issues after all! :rolleyes::(
It was very difficult and very sad but I am now starting to recover months later. He bounced off the couch into another woman's house where I'm sure he is convincing her that he can't work right now, but will! Honest!

Here is a website that I found helpful; perhaps you will see similarities. Even if your partner does not have a personality disorder, this site has good ideas for dealing with manipulative people and learning to take care of *yourself*!
http://outofthefog.net/

Some of these knotted personality problems get worse over time, it seems to be a deep dynamic of the problem. Talking to them about it does not get deep enough, I think; I think the stuff is way down in the brain below "conscious" thought, whatever that is. I'm not a professional though!

My partner was never physically abusive, but I think that his emotional approaches to things, the stress of dealing with my own long-term PTSD with no help from a partner (he said that my issues were due to the SSRI I take, but the SSRI (and various very helpful people) probably saved my life in reality)... those stresses I feel made my dissociation/fogginess much worse a few years ago. On the plus side, that got me to switch to a much better, trauma-focused therapist!

I think that before we've dealt with certain childhood issues, lots of us are in relationships that harm us in various ways. However you cannot ever be responsible for his work on his own issues.

Please find partners/friends/helpers who are honest who work on their issues! Even if it is "just friends" for a while; this "partner's" behavior is very bad for you and may make your own recovery very difficult and actually endanger you. PTSD is serious and risky, take care of yourself. You deserve good people around you!!!
 
@greenleaf Thank you so much. Your post helped a lot. I read him to my partner and it was the fundament for a great discussion.

A few days have passed and we worked through it. We are okay, if shaky. We talked a lot, a lot lot lot, and learned as much.
Reading what I wrote now, I think "Holy Shit, I was in a ton of pain. Jeez!" Truth is, that pain and stress is not just his fault. I have PTSD for christs sake. He added, a lot, but 364 days of this year I would have to deal with it, maybe even help. 364 days of the year I would have been able to cope. Not that day though. That day all my fuses blew the f*ck up, and unfortunately it was an extraordinary bad day for himself. He has learned that he needs to learn stress management.

Fun fact: The day it happened was the day after I talked to a doctor about my 20 years of trauma, one hour long talk. Never done that before. I was shaking throughout it all. That day I got into a very good outpatient clinic for intensive psychiatric care. I was a wreck and a mess afterwards, as is to be expected. Most of all it was his utter inability to tune into that, that f*cked us up. Also his inability to recognize and remedy stress, something he never took serious no matter how I often I talked about it. Changed his mind now, lol. In his own thread he wrote about how he "couldn't support me" which made me laugh out, because that is not what happened. What happened is, he was a mess and a half, stressed out and would neither calm down nor remove himself from the situation, until I finally blew up. He was aggressively stressed and didn't "believe" me when I told him and asked him to stop. He was relentless. And then, I couldn't deal with the situation anymore.

Yes, his autism is a big part of him, but it's not all. There was also his search for a magic cure, for a simple solution to his problems, that made him unable to put in the hard and repetitive work life requires. He is making steps to remedy that, including writing a daily journal to remind him of his goals and reasons. That is gonna take the need to remind him away from me, which is a blessing.

I, too, learned a lot about myself. Mostly that I need to keep doing what I am doing and that just because I made have a lot of progress, doesn't mean I don't have a shitton left to learn about my messed up mind. A few years ago I was incredibly unstable, but havent been for a long time. Last week I have been again, and I should have anticipated it. My rage- and pain fueled state produced the above text, which I don't agree with anymore. It was all the negative parts, all the stressful part, all the pain with an complete and utter inability to see the many, many good parts. A "great" feature of my darkest moments. Haven't had one for long, long time. Did not recognize it. :(

Both okay. Both f*cked up. Both sorry. Both learned. Both grown.
 
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