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Since My First Feeling Of Something Telling Me To Kill Myself

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OverLoaded

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Woke up and my brain went bad. I couldn't fall asleep started losing interests and hardly talked.
Waited for ambulance for over 2 hours while something in my brain said you should hang yourself with this cord. Now I feel suicidal almost all the time. The feeling of death having me but first take all you love away. Leave me to ask my doctor to kill me or beg for something to stop this I can't take it.
After the first thought and not doing anything I have tried many ways and over 50 times to kill myself. My body can't live like I'm in a coma and heard and saw everything not able to get away.
I've never felt so helpless and watching ppl with basic things like cbt or sleep hygiene it don't work for everyone when you have more than one problem. I want to sleep so much and wake up like I did most of my life and enjoy things again.
My brain is telling me this because it has run out of options and just wants peace and connection to me and other ppl. Being worried to tell ppl I think I want to kill myself makes ppl treat you like you should be in hospital but if they do nothing how do I get better.
 
Are you getting any help with the suicidality? From a therapist, or psychiatrist? If not - do you...
When I tell them I don't want to kill myself it's just my life has become intolerable and it's driving ppl away.
They want to take you to a hospital that no matter what everyone is sent there and treated by staff as lazy and then take my bed away cuz I was having such bad heart racing and panic anxiety attacks. I was given nothing all three times. Then they took me off my meds. If I don't do well that's what I'm threatened with from almost everyone. Being put on by doctors and psychologists and sleep doctors. Getting billed for things I wasn't told about and then tossed out after a week with no results. Many meds I'm on can cause the thoughts and I already have them almost all the time. No escape from anything is too much.
Finally a dr told me I may need psychiatrist after a year and a half seems mean and driving hours to find one and the cost in gas and days off my bfs work. Sigh.
 
@OverLoaded - thanks for replying.

Have you been diagnosed with anything specific?

I don't know how it is in Canada - here in the US, if you say you don't truly want to kill yourself, you are just struggling hard - they generally will not admit you to the hospital.

It sounds like you need some mental health support that is practical for you to access. But some of that depends on your diagnosis.

Are there any support groups in your community? Even ones not specifically for mental health?
 
I found that to help myself with these thoughts, I must say out loud "I refuse to listen to suicide thoughts. I choose life." Then refuse to engage in the thoughts, don't indulge them. Just say "no". But also, it is imperative that you seek healing from the emotional pain you are in from a good therapist. To replace these negative thoughts with life affirming thoughts and feelings of joy, gratitude, love. I am pulling for you in this struggle, having been there myself....
 
@OverLoaded - thanks for replying.

Have you been diagnosed with anything speci...
I went from depression ADHD agoraphobia OCD manic to borderline personality ptsd OCD insomnia anxiety major depression. Loss of all feelings emptiness almost stopped taking.
It's hard to get help here. I have to spend lots of money and time to go to a city and every time I ask for help they say I don't need feelings when I think or feel. They say pray and then I feel helpless. It's pure torture to leave with nothing and try not to be in denile that I have to except it. No one wants to live like this when u forget what falling asleep and waking up everyday feeling like this almost 2 years.
 
I found that to help myself with these thoughts, I must say out loud "I refuse to listen to suicide...
I try to fight it. Sometimes when u have to tell yourself I'm ok when in my body and mind screams at me I'm not ok please help me. I found a new hope tho with a supplement that doctors don't talk about and really want it to work.
 
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