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Sleep/mood disturbances started after this incident

Discussion in 'PTSD (Anonymous)' started by Uho, May 19, 2017.

  1. Nafeb

    Nafeb Anonymous

    I've really resisted making this connection until now.
    I've been reading on an antiporn blog about certain gross roleplay fetish that my abusive exbf was into, forced me to do, and I went along for all the reasons abused people do, and about how damaging child abuse is because it's a person you trust, everything is normal, you can't reconcile the violation with the trust.

    I don't know if this is post hoc interpretation of my mental disturbances... I know I didn't knowingly get involved with 3 psychotic men in a row, they seemed great at first, but I did stay despite red flags for the second two, wondering what I did wrong. I know that manipulation is powerful and good/trusting traits are what they target. So maybe it's nothing.

    All my emotional problems that led me to a psychiatrist in HS started when I was 12 and I fell asleep fully clothed, woke up later in a nightdress with no underwear and I freaked out and asked my mother who undressed me and she said "your father." That was the first time I felt loss of voice in outrage and helplessness. I've never been able to really sleep deeply since, and depressive/BPD/hypersexual symptoms started manifesting that year, and my father stopped trying to interact with me.

    My psychiatrist of course asked if I'd been molested and since my parents played that off like it was no big deal, I didn't say anything. I wonder though if I could sleep that deeply and be carried to my room, undressed and dressed, I could have been undressed any number of times? Perhaps it was innocent, but it was extremely violating for a 12 year old. I mean, it was unnecessary to the extreme, and how I felt about it is whats important. Molesters often believe what they're doing is innocent. Every few years I think about this. The fact I can't shake it, and I can go years without talking to my father even as i talk to my mother regularly, and he has a reputation for being standoffish.. my abusive ex reminded me of him.

    Sigh anyway. Just weirdness. Boundaries violated so many times since in so many worse ways but it stays with me. It was significant.
     
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  3. Nafeb

    Nafeb Anonymous

    And like many kids, my brother and I'd first experience with porn was some magazines of his we found. My first experiences getting turned on were to the stories within. I also caught my dad regularly (using the channel back button) watching the scrambled porn channel if I used the TV in my brother's room after him. Always wanted to put my father on a pedestal but now in my late 30's, I'm convinced just about all men are deviant. Especially the ones that seem least to be especially morally upstanding.

    Really this era grows up being told porn is A-ok and healthy and everyone especially men looks at it. The younger we see it, the more we're groomed as kids to be perverse before we can direct our own sexualities. Always have tried to integrate porn into my relationships, and fetish, it's so encouraged. Now I realize the damage it caused. And that my father is probably damaged like most men. Just disgusted :sick:
     
  4. Ikuk

    Ikuk Anonymous

    Yer... maybe you should be trusting a little more of what your body tells you IMHO. Abusers take advantage and get away with it because people don't trust their bodies. Sure, it isn't going to help you for legal / criminal action, but trust your body memories enough to walk away from such people in your life, and totally remove them. They're toxic.

    Any BF that forcing you into anything, is where you should immediately stop, kick him to the curb, and remove him from your life. No partner forces their partner to do anything, sexual or otherwise. Force is not a relationship component. Even going to the beach... it should not be by force, let alone intimacy.

    Trust yourself and your instincts more please, and don't be afraid to say NO and stand by it at all costs. Remove yourself from situations first and foremost when you say NO, don't argue the point or expect another person to leave it. You are responsible for you, nobody else. Become assertive, strong, and independent -- don't take bullshit from guys who claim to love you, but require force against you for anything.