I've really resisted making this connection until now. I've been reading on an antiporn blog about certain gross roleplay fetish that my abusive exbf was into, forced me to do, and I went along for all the reasons abused people do, and about how damaging child abuse is because it's a person you trust, everything is normal, you can't reconcile the violation with the trust. I don't know if this is post hoc interpretation of my mental disturbances... I know I didn't knowingly get involved with 3 psychotic men in a row, they seemed great at first, but I did stay despite red flags for the second two, wondering what I did wrong. I know that manipulation is powerful and good/trusting traits are what they target. So maybe it's nothing. All my emotional problems that led me to a psychiatrist in HS started when I was 12 and I fell asleep fully clothed, woke up later in a nightdress with no underwear and I freaked out and asked my mother who undressed me and she said "your father." That was the first time I felt loss of voice in outrage and helplessness. I've never been able to really sleep deeply since, and depressive/BPD/hypersexual symptoms started manifesting that year, and my father stopped trying to interact with me. My psychiatrist of course asked if I'd been molested and since my parents played that off like it was no big deal, I didn't say anything. I wonder though if I could sleep that deeply and be carried to my room, undressed and dressed, I could have been undressed any number of times? Perhaps it was innocent, but it was extremely violating for a 12 year old. I mean, it was unnecessary to the extreme, and how I felt about it is whats important. Molesters often believe what they're doing is innocent. Every few years I think about this. The fact I can't shake it, and I can go years without talking to my father even as i talk to my mother regularly, and he has a reputation for being standoffish.. my abusive ex reminded me of him. Sigh anyway. Just weirdness. Boundaries violated so many times since in so many worse ways but it stays with me. It was significant.