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So Close, Yet So Far!

  • Thread starter Deleted member 34535
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Deleted member 34535

When I was 18, I worked a full-time job for a military freight forwarder that shipped military spare parts to Egypt for their armed forces. I also bought my own 14 ft. stepvan that I used to do local moving and hauling as well as having a lawn service where I and my helpers would mow from 10-15 lawns a week. My brother approached me when I was 18 and asked me if I would like to share an apt. with him and I said yes. I told you my brother committed suicide 4 and 1/2 years ago. I am convinced my brother was trying to protect me from my perps, my parents and wanted to get me the hell out of their home. I am convinced my brother was trying to protect me my entire life, and I will expand on this in further threads. I was doing all of this non-stop work in my opinion because my redeemer showed me my salvation from my abuse, WORK!!!


When my brother and I moved into our Apartment, I loved it. There was peace and solitude. Then I came home one day after work naturally, and saw a familiar face. Let's call this familiar face DH. I was surprised to see DH at our apartment, and i could not figure out why DH was here. It did not take long to figure out why DH was at our Apartment. DH brought his stash of the evil white powder as I call It, cocaine. I believe DH was a mid-level dealer. He brought his evil white powder for my brother. DH was an apprentice that my "FATHER", and I use that term lightly, worked with. I am still confused about my so-called father's involvement in my and my brother's abuse, but I can tell you definitely that my brother removed my father's middle name and the suffix JR. on his plate on his grave site. It is not looking good for dear old dad. Now I wonder if my father knew of DH's little part-time job and sent him to our home to infect my brother, thus getting my brother hooked on the evil white powder, and further degrade my brother's health and making it more difficult to connect the dots that my brother and I had.

So what is meant by so close yet so far? I was so close to getting hooked on powerful illegal drugs. You see, it was within a very short walk, mere feet, from myself getting up and taking a nice long snort from a rolled up dollar bill. Come one, come all! It was an endless parade of drug users that walked by me and went from the living room where I watched TV and chilled to the dining room where the evil white powder was strewn from one end of the table to another. Some of the wonderful human beings that walked by me would ask, "Dude, how can you sit there and not do this shit." In which I would kindly reply, "All I have to do is look at you dude."

One snort would have been it. The desire to feel like a human being even if only for an infinitesimal period of time would have been most likely it for me. I feel sure that I would have gone the way of my brother. I probably would have purchased a gun like my brother did and taken my life, as my brother did. It would have been just too much to handle. Yes there are times to this day that I wonder what it must feel like to not be in pain. And yes, even as a christian, I wonder these things. Human pain is human pain, it hurts and hurts!! But pain is as much a part of life as joy is. Sorry for the analogy ladies, but we need to grow a set and deal with it. TKU!!
 
My ex husband was a cocaine addict. He's still alive and relatively well (perhaps? and successful supposedly - occasional weird phone calls) and living only 45 miles away. You're really steaming through a lot of stuff on your posts. Take care you don't roll it all out there too quickly 'k? Sometimes there's backlash.
 
I cant get over how many times you reference evil.

I am a recovered coke/crack/duster (huffed) addict. Seperate of course.

I wouldnt call coke evil. It is rather addicting. Not all get hooked on their first line. I did but not all do.

12 yrs later and id snort a line if it were in front of me.

I didnt purchase a gun, i hate guns, and obviously hadnt been successful at killing myself. Sorry to hear about your brother.

But an addiction is an addiction is an addiction. None "evil" really. Just an addiction.
 
Did you just tell a site full of people with PTSD that they need to grow a set and deal with it because pain is a part of life?

I don't doubt that you have trauma effects, however I am starting to doubt that you have PTSD given that people with PTSD tend to know that this disorder is very physical and not just a matter of growing balls to deal with it.
 
(((ccrc53liamt)))
I am SO THANKFUL, that you found our Redeemer! I know inner pain quite well, and also the physical pain that I think partially comes from our emotional, spiritual, and mental pain we have been subjected to. I simply refuse to give up, give in, and will FIGHT EVERYTHING I NEED TO!
I KNOW I am NOT alone!
Blessings to you!
AKJ
 
I don't doubt that you have trauma effects, however I am starting to doubt that you have PTSD given that people with PTSD tend to know that this disorder is very physical and not just a matter of growing balls to deal with it.

Agreed. **can't believe I missed that**

@crc53liamt, PTSD has nothing to do with "growing a pair". I have a pair, I got through a cult alive. Dealing with after effects have nothing to do with my "pair".
 
@crc53liamt - just a comment on this post: threads work best when there is some kind of open dialogue that the poster is looking for - even if it's just 'I'd like to share this experience, does anyone have a similar one?'

Diaries are a great place for writing about anything from the building blocks of our individual traumas, to daily struggles, vents, etc. People do read and respond to the diaries. The Member Diaries can only be seen by members, and not by search engines or guests; the plain Trauma Diaries can be viewed by all.

What's great about diaries is they let a reader follow the life and story of a member; and for the poster, they are a repository for any and all of the thoughts that are on your mind.

This post is a good example of a diary post. I'm not saying you can't have or shouldn't have posted it - I'm just taking advantage of it as an example of what a diary post often is.

Responding to the content - it's good you were able to choose to not self-medicate with a highly addictive drug like coke. I agree with others, it's not as binary to me as 'put up or shut up' (with pain). I believe there is an appropriate place for the darker emotions and experiences. So many people go through them. Part of my personal recovery has been about allowing myself to grieve for things that happened. I believe the key thing about struggle and suffering is to learn to move through it, and not get caught or stuck in it. PTSD is in some ways a condition of being 'caught' in a past event that created too much pain, and the mind builds a wall around it. So the process of dismantling that wall will require some re-experiencing of the pain.

The goal is to move through and past it.

I'm oddly grateful for my year of uncontrolled drinking. If it hadn't happened, and I hadn't eventually noticed, I don't think I would have started taking steps to get help.
 
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