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Sexual Assault So..i Just Fell Apart. Trying To Accept What Happened.

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-lemurlibs91-

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I'm about to start some work on my trauma with my therapist, because recently I've had frequent flashbacks and regular dissociations, often not with any sort of identifiable trigger, it's like it's got out of hand...
I've been trying to do some of the work that she set me (a 3rd person written narrative, accepting the gaps in my memory and going with what I do know), but last night it just floored me. I didn't dissociate this time, I just felt paralysed and hollow...I sat there until 5am, then got barely 2 hours sleep before being wide awake (VERY unlike me).
Today I thought I was handling things surprisingly well - I was eating (something that always goes out the window if I'm overly stressed - I am recovering from anorexia), albeit starting the day with a binge/purge incident. I went to my meeting, did some food shopping, I met my boyfriend after to go back to his place, where I basically live, and I was doing okay. Coasting along. I even turned down napping - something I NEVER do, because I do love my sleep. But something was feeling wrong, I couldn't stay still and I was on edge. Fast-forward to the evening and I've successfully done NOTHING with my day coursework wise and not progressed with my therapy written work either. People came over to see his family, so there were loads of people around and then I was attempting to cook my dinner, something I don't often do. I ate and then my boyfriend noticed that I was "going", I was on the edge of dissociating but staying in sheer fear..no idea why. He asked what was going on and I explained how I'd eaten too much and was out of control...he got annoyed at how much that was a "non-issue". This is where it went weird.

I yelled that that wasn't what it was about and went and locked myself in the bathroom. Then I don't know what happened, I had this weird reaction....I started to cry but then I just lost it. I collapsed and was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't breathe and my boyfriend was having to talk me through how to breathe 'cause I couldn't work out how to. We continued with this for about half an hour. I couldn't hold my head up, I felt out of control of my body and just unable to cope. I don't really remember actually seeing anything for a good hour or so because I was crying so hard......and yet I couldn't articulate why. I didn't know why. I genuinely thought I was dying. Not in a panic attack way, I just thought this was the end of me, that my brain was going to explode, like it was malfunctioning. I genuinely thought this was happening and I was terrified. When my boyfriend tried to explain that it was that I was starting to face what happened to me 3 years ago and that this was it sinking in, I went into meltdown. I was shaking and curled up like a small child....yet my trauma happened when I was 20.

I still don't really understand what happened. I finally stopped crying an hour ago, but I couldn't sit up or stand by myself, I couldn't get my face to do any real expression voluntarily and I could only just about see my boyfriend. I still can't say the r- word out loud, and I can't write it or other details about what happened to me in context.....I can only make sense of it as something that's a story about someone else. That's just how I've understood it. And though there are elements that I can recognise as being fact and having happened to me...I can't recall it properly without having a panic attack/dissociating, unless it's in a flashback, and there is no emotion related to the reality at all.

Does anyone get what happened today?! I don't understand it. And just basically do you have any similar experience of it when trying to face your trauma???
 
Facing your trauma is a very fearful thing. It would not surprise me if you anxiety level is way up in anticipating what will happen in therapy. This might be a reason you responded the way you did.

I hope things go well with you in therapy, and that your boyfriend will understand how your trauma has affected you.
 
@-lemurlibs91- I think your boyfriend is probably on the right track, and I'm so pleased that you have found someone that seems to be understanding.

It sounds like overwhelm/emotional meltdown, but please don't let all those tears you cried frighten you - they are releasing the pain and feelings of trauma, and the more you can release that side of yourself, the less the dissociative symptons will become.

Keep going, it is hard, but it sounds like you are doing really well.
 
Thank you for your support.
@Meadowsweet - I think you're right.. I need to keep releasing because as my boyfriend has said: "keeping it in is clearly not working for you..." Crying is definitely hard though, it's as if allowing the emotion makes it more real somehow?

I've been reading the 1st person narrative of what happened outloud, and it has been the hardest thing I've ever done. On a par with trying to battle and accept the weight gain in treatment as an anorexic. There have been lots of tears, lots of dissociation...I've managed it eventually, and read it to my therapist today (unfortunately dissociating three times). I just couldn't get my body to work afterwards. I was cold and shivering, even though it was a warm sunny day, I couldn't keep my head or arms up and walking in a straight line was impossible. I found speaking hard as well and apparently I was really pale and glazed over. I don't understand how it can have that much effect on my body??? I unintentionally left the house and went for a walk when we got back - I was outside before I realised. This understandably angered and worried my boyfriend. I then slept for a few hours. I'm still in a state where it feels like everybody knows, and I still feel ill - I nearly fainted, and I was sick. It feels ridiculous that it's affecting me so much...like I'm being overdramatic or something. I'm trying to just get on with it, but this is harder than I thought.
 
Oh hunny, I know how you feel. I struggle with the "r" word too. When I first mentioned something that happened when I was 24, I referred to it with my therapist as "an attack" then later she asked if I had any counselling for it in the past and I said "yeah I went to coventry ra...." and went pale. The name of the place gave it away and she asked "is that what happened to you?" I went in on myself and could barely manage to nod.

I am desperately hoping my therapist doesn't expect me to tell her or share with her what happened... I couldn't cope. I want her to say "you don't need to explicitly tell me what happened, you can heal without it!" Though I highly doubt that's true.

Last night I had a similar experience to you. I totally broke down after a flashback. I was in so much pain. It overwhelmed me. It was like I was being hit with all the memories from everything all at once. Today I am struggling and only just managed to get dressed.

I wonder if you've heard about Flashback Halting Protocols? Google it. What you experienced doesn't sound exactly like a flashback to me but this technique works just to ground you in the present moment and reminds you that you survived. It works to distract the brain from the awful mind-numbing or overwhelming trauma. Try it, even after an experience like that.
 
Thank you for the encouragement @Meadowsweet - I reciprocate it.

Yeah @GMW - It's really hard and once you realise it's difficult to say it once, I find it gets even harder. I've spent hours with my boyfriend saying things that rhyme with it but still not able to say it. The same happens with names and stuff.

I can understand that fear of actually saying what happened, especially out loud to someone else. I think it's quite natural. For me it's like I feel like I'm protecting myself from it being real by not saying it. I skirt around it massively with my therapist, but I'm gradually getting there really slowly and it feels like as long as I'm roughly steady.

Last night I had a similar experience to you. I totally broke down after a flashback. I was in so much pain. It overwhelmed me. It was like I was being hit with all the memories from everything all at once. Today I am struggling and only just managed to get dressed.
That sounds really hard, I'm sorry you experienced that. Well done for getting dressed, that's a really good step even if it only feels like a small one. Some days its really hard, and on those days these little tasks are massive achievements.


Okay, I'll look into it. It might work on the occasions when I have flashbacks too! Thank you.
 
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