-lemurlibs91-
Confident
I'm about to start some work on my trauma with my therapist, because recently I've had frequent flashbacks and regular dissociations, often not with any sort of identifiable trigger, it's like it's got out of hand...
I've been trying to do some of the work that she set me (a 3rd person written narrative, accepting the gaps in my memory and going with what I do know), but last night it just floored me. I didn't dissociate this time, I just felt paralysed and hollow...I sat there until 5am, then got barely 2 hours sleep before being wide awake (VERY unlike me).
Today I thought I was handling things surprisingly well - I was eating (something that always goes out the window if I'm overly stressed - I am recovering from anorexia), albeit starting the day with a binge/purge incident. I went to my meeting, did some food shopping, I met my boyfriend after to go back to his place, where I basically live, and I was doing okay. Coasting along. I even turned down napping - something I NEVER do, because I do love my sleep. But something was feeling wrong, I couldn't stay still and I was on edge. Fast-forward to the evening and I've successfully done NOTHING with my day coursework wise and not progressed with my therapy written work either. People came over to see his family, so there were loads of people around and then I was attempting to cook my dinner, something I don't often do. I ate and then my boyfriend noticed that I was "going", I was on the edge of dissociating but staying in sheer fear..no idea why. He asked what was going on and I explained how I'd eaten too much and was out of control...he got annoyed at how much that was a "non-issue". This is where it went weird.
I yelled that that wasn't what it was about and went and locked myself in the bathroom. Then I don't know what happened, I had this weird reaction....I started to cry but then I just lost it. I collapsed and was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't breathe and my boyfriend was having to talk me through how to breathe 'cause I couldn't work out how to. We continued with this for about half an hour. I couldn't hold my head up, I felt out of control of my body and just unable to cope. I don't really remember actually seeing anything for a good hour or so because I was crying so hard......and yet I couldn't articulate why. I didn't know why. I genuinely thought I was dying. Not in a panic attack way, I just thought this was the end of me, that my brain was going to explode, like it was malfunctioning. I genuinely thought this was happening and I was terrified. When my boyfriend tried to explain that it was that I was starting to face what happened to me 3 years ago and that this was it sinking in, I went into meltdown. I was shaking and curled up like a small child....yet my trauma happened when I was 20.
I still don't really understand what happened. I finally stopped crying an hour ago, but I couldn't sit up or stand by myself, I couldn't get my face to do any real expression voluntarily and I could only just about see my boyfriend. I still can't say the r- word out loud, and I can't write it or other details about what happened to me in context.....I can only make sense of it as something that's a story about someone else. That's just how I've understood it. And though there are elements that I can recognise as being fact and having happened to me...I can't recall it properly without having a panic attack/dissociating, unless it's in a flashback, and there is no emotion related to the reality at all.
Does anyone get what happened today?! I don't understand it. And just basically do you have any similar experience of it when trying to face your trauma???
I've been trying to do some of the work that she set me (a 3rd person written narrative, accepting the gaps in my memory and going with what I do know), but last night it just floored me. I didn't dissociate this time, I just felt paralysed and hollow...I sat there until 5am, then got barely 2 hours sleep before being wide awake (VERY unlike me).
Today I thought I was handling things surprisingly well - I was eating (something that always goes out the window if I'm overly stressed - I am recovering from anorexia), albeit starting the day with a binge/purge incident. I went to my meeting, did some food shopping, I met my boyfriend after to go back to his place, where I basically live, and I was doing okay. Coasting along. I even turned down napping - something I NEVER do, because I do love my sleep. But something was feeling wrong, I couldn't stay still and I was on edge. Fast-forward to the evening and I've successfully done NOTHING with my day coursework wise and not progressed with my therapy written work either. People came over to see his family, so there were loads of people around and then I was attempting to cook my dinner, something I don't often do. I ate and then my boyfriend noticed that I was "going", I was on the edge of dissociating but staying in sheer fear..no idea why. He asked what was going on and I explained how I'd eaten too much and was out of control...he got annoyed at how much that was a "non-issue". This is where it went weird.
I yelled that that wasn't what it was about and went and locked myself in the bathroom. Then I don't know what happened, I had this weird reaction....I started to cry but then I just lost it. I collapsed and was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't breathe and my boyfriend was having to talk me through how to breathe 'cause I couldn't work out how to. We continued with this for about half an hour. I couldn't hold my head up, I felt out of control of my body and just unable to cope. I don't really remember actually seeing anything for a good hour or so because I was crying so hard......and yet I couldn't articulate why. I didn't know why. I genuinely thought I was dying. Not in a panic attack way, I just thought this was the end of me, that my brain was going to explode, like it was malfunctioning. I genuinely thought this was happening and I was terrified. When my boyfriend tried to explain that it was that I was starting to face what happened to me 3 years ago and that this was it sinking in, I went into meltdown. I was shaking and curled up like a small child....yet my trauma happened when I was 20.
I still don't really understand what happened. I finally stopped crying an hour ago, but I couldn't sit up or stand by myself, I couldn't get my face to do any real expression voluntarily and I could only just about see my boyfriend. I still can't say the r- word out loud, and I can't write it or other details about what happened to me in context.....I can only make sense of it as something that's a story about someone else. That's just how I've understood it. And though there are elements that I can recognise as being fact and having happened to me...I can't recall it properly without having a panic attack/dissociating, unless it's in a flashback, and there is no emotion related to the reality at all.
Does anyone get what happened today?! I don't understand it. And just basically do you have any similar experience of it when trying to face your trauma???