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So many things i just can't say. - afraid of being too graphic

Discussion in 'Avoidance' started by Marilyn_S, Sep 5, 2007.

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  1. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    There are so many event in my head that at random seem to just flash before me. They are things I just can't speak of because they are too graphic. I wish I could tell. It hurts so bad to have these ugly things inside but I fear letting them out. Is it wrong to be graphic? Should I keep quiet about the specifics of the things that have happened to me? I feel the secrets will always be mine to carry! I feel like damaged goods. I know I am not in my mind but I hurt inside.
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Follow Shrek's advice on that one. Better out than in. Seriously though vent, express, share. You are on a PTSD forum and you are going to come across some bad things and hear some. We won't be shocked. You know we all got this from trauma. So get out of you what needs to be out. Only way to start finding relief.
     
  4. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Marilyn, I cannot see any valid reasons why you should keep quiet about the specifics of your trauma(s).

    IMH sugg., You could start a thread in the trauma members diary sect. or above and then title it something along the lines of - trauma too ugly & painfully graphic for me to safegaurd any longer, Marilyn's release.

    From there it's all in choose of words. Then tell your full trauma, get it all out' and help release yourself. Other forum members will then know and make their choose to read or not to. And, you'll be doing for yourself what you need to do, and as far as profanity goes, I don't even think the forum system allows for that, so let it rip.

    Trauma is ugly and horrific no matter how you look at it. Undealt with, it is so horrific enough to permanently imbalance our brains, completely ruin lives, and destroy and kill us from the inside out, and otherwise, and sometimes even results in stealing from or taking the life of another human beings.

    Nothing is suppose to be pretty about trauma. And, in setting out to save our lives and that of our loved ones or families, if we're still lucky enough to have any, IMHO, we can't start out by denying some facts while willing to discuss others, all in order to accomodate others.

    We, however can consider others and point out the option to read or not to.

    ......I do hope someone else will add more points on this to help answer / support Marilyn's question.

    Hope
     
  5. nobody

    nobody Active Member

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    I think it is normal to want to hide these things from outsiders. But we are not outsiders and we suffer just like you do. I felt like you initially but when I came here batgirl reminded me that I'm not the only one suffering. I think, in society, it is very easy to be trained to not say these things and it takes a lot of courage to go against the grain and against what you've been trained to do. Do not be afraid. You are safe now.


    By the way, you are stronger than you know. Just to come to this point takes a lot of strength. Please do not underestimate yourself.
     
  6. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Thanks to all of you for your support and very insightful suggestions.

    Hope, what a great idea! I already have a thread under public diaries so I'll have to make sure its OK for me to start another or perhaps rename the one I have, but I think your idea is great. That way if people are not at the point where they can handle the graphic stuff then they know ahead of time not to read it.

    I'm going to try to do a timeline. Anthony once suggested that to me and I sort of started one. I think a time line would help me process the emotions I have for so long been afraid to feel. Its a crazy thing but the people who abused me are all people that I loved and I continue to love my mother dispite the past. She is no longer abusive to me. She will not admit to her past mistakes but she tries to make up for that by having a positive relationship with me now. Its hard and so confusing to process conflicting emotions. On one hand I'm very angry and hurt by my mother's past abuse and her current denial but on the other hand I love her and want to have a positive relationship with her. Its like emotional dissonance! My daddy is dead and I will never be able to confront him or have any sort of relationship with him. I do forgive him though in that I hope he is well now and living in paradise with Christ. I'm not trying to sound like a goodie good, I really do feel that way, that is why it is so hard and so frightening to feel the anger and pain he caused me and continues to cause me.

    I know this is a really huge question with many right answers but what exactly does it mean to forgive.? Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines it as to give up resentment or requital for. It also uses the words excuse and pardon.

    Can I feel angry and still feel forgiveness because there is no way I could ever pardon or excuse my dad's behavior. To me it seems like to pardon means to condone. I'm so freakin confused!!!!!
     
  7. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Marilyn,

    Don't forget to look in the information sections and reread some of that! We have forgiveness defined in there! lol

    I also get worried about details and getting too graphic or upsetting someone. So it all goes in the diary! Sometimes I ask, even in my diary, is this too much?

    I think it's very normal for us to want to protect others from our details. Look what it did to us right? However, we forget that they didn't live through it, we did.

    Also, if it's too graphic, they can just stop reading it! I love typing! lol

    You do need to start getting it out of you. I'm still plugging away at mine. But each secret out, even if it's only on here, is one less that I have to worry about, safeguard, and let eat at me!

    bec
     
  8. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Bec! That was an awesome definition. I really love this part:

    "With forgiveness, we no longer build an identity around something that happened to us in the past."

    A good friend of mine told me just a few weeks ago something to that effect. It stuck with me.

    "She said for me to allow the trauma to refine me rather than define me."

    Of corse that's easier said than done but isn't everything? Life would have no meaning if everything came easy, IMHO. Until later taje care. Marilyn S.
     
  9. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    PS. Bec I lost my glasses and I'm a search an peck typist.

    Its "Take Care" Hee Hee! I turned 40 this month so I'm squinting a bit more! lol!
     
  10. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hi Marilyn, ...:hello:...
    I happen to know it is o.k. to start another thread in a different diary forum, and even in the same area.

    Anyone, correct me if I'm wrong, but what I've read is that Anthony does not want us simultan. and/or redundtantly posting ident. trauma, thoughts, feelings, analys. and all that fun stuff that passes through us while we process our trauma(s) or our present day stressor's/emotions.

    My conclusion of this is that not only would we confuse ourselves tremend. in doing so, Anthony or others may end up spending precious time, reading reduntantly. As well as, doing so just plain causing extenst. unnecc. forum clutter.

    For example I have 2 threads in the PTSD trauma sect., neither look anything like the other. I have 1 thread in the trauma memb. sect., (I got brave), again nothing like the others. And, so forth.

    For some of us this is easily done and necessary, bc there is our present and our past with multiple trauma's, yrs. of suppressed emotions and beliefs and conclusions we have previously drawn that simply are distorted, nonproductive to lives and need re-analysis.

    As for the timeline what a great suggestion. This sort of consciousness and awareness will bring to the surface emotions in which you can then discuss and process. So much to be learned here about our true selves, vs. the abusers control and introjects, which now has become a very part of our inner voice (thoughts). There is one area where I've started work now, and already benefitting greatly as the result.

    Marilyn, I'd do agree, it is hard to process our emotions, conflicting or otherwise. IMH experience, though the hardest part is getting started and getting off the ground in this work, but once we get rolling, damn' it can get far easier. I find it's payoff's: (a deepening mind / body connection and exper. of our true selves/natures, deeply rewarding and motivating. And, so it can get easier, a lot of it depends upon our attitudes we maintain.


    This all sounds perfectly normal to me Marilyn.

    ....excellenty said ! And, also an area of perhaps interest to you.
    Sometimes it helps me to start by asking myself a questions as if it's being asked by my abuser or otherwise. Some examples:

    Why would you have any unpleasant thoughts about me or yourself?

    Why is it so difficult to listen to me when I tell you who I see you are and what I expect from you?

    Don't you understand? Why do you have a problem with my inconsistencies, emotional or otherwise? How come this affects you so? ...and so on and so forth?

    You get the idea Marilyn. It may help you too, it may not, but the idea is to be able to get at and reach our emotions, say how we feel, lay it all out, feel it, process it, and move on. I find that much cognitive clarity and some emot. healing, and even a greater spiritual outlook follows this process for me.

    There is something, in which I once read in one of Steven Covey's books, that I take to heart and set out to apply. It goes something like this:

    Far better to spend our time working diligently at the roots of our problems, then to go hacking away endlessly at the branches.

    Perhaps not expressing well what this means to me and how it can be applied, but it suggestions perm. help and also encourage me a great deal when I'm willing to put forth exhausting efforts. It's all worth it.

    "Progress not perfection", ah'

    If time provided, I'd comment even longer. It might take you weeks to read, (LOL), but I'd comment none-the-less.

    If anything said here evokes something useful to you, my suggestion is go at it. If not, well then, maybe next time.

    Marilyn,
    God Bless,

    & Take Care, (((Hugs))) ....and more, (((Hugs)))

    Hope
     
  11. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Anthony, I'll need to write somewhere here within the forum about how I'm feeling now and after such a messed up visual, careless error between the two similar emoticons. OMG my feelings are now all screwed up. Thank you so much Anthony, for quickly correcting what I had asked you to and had mistakenly screwed up and badly, IMHO.

    Marilyn, I tried calling you, did not succeed and really do hope all is well with you.

    Hope
     
  12. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Hope, I appreciate your sinsitivity to my feelings and my responces to what you post, but I know you, I would have known it was just a mistake. Don't be hard on yourself. Really, I would have known. You are my friend and also the stuff you said would have been inconsistent with what the silly little emotocon was expressing. I can totally understand making a visual error, I lost my glasses last week and my new ones won't come in till about a week from now so I feel like Mr. Magoo. Hee Hee!

    Your ideas are great and I so much value them. Thank you for taking time to share them with me. It sounds like something that would be very productive and I will try it. Until later, Take gentle care of yourself. Hugs & Love, Marilyn S.
     
  13. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Oh' Marilyn, what a relief to find your post. OMG, again I am so sorry. This post of yours, made me laugh, it made me cry. All Good! And, thank you so much for understanding my mistake, and tonight, especially when I'm thinking/feeling scatterbrained and under a bit to much stress and I'm not always so understanding of my pers. mistakes when feeling this way.

    Tried to say more, but erased it, bc the simple fact is I'm having difficulty thinking straight tonight.

    Hope
     
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