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So Much Anger

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bitterfight_

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Sorry for the huge rant/lots of questions. I bolded the questions for you guys if you don't want to read all the mumbo jumbo in here.

I'm not going to divulge too much information, but I was traumatized in my early teens (~11-14 years old), and I was never really taught how to properly handle my anger when I was younger (my father has anger issues). Since I was traumatized (although I've been a mostly angry person beforehand according to my mother), I find my anger to be explosive and uncontrollable. Mind you, I'm not violent to others (thank god. I would never hurt a fly), but I become very self-damaging. When I get angry enraged, it's like I want to break myself into little pieces.

Around my birthday in late Feb, I got into a fight with a "friend", and then my mother (who doesn't understand my diagnosis at all) added to my issues. I live at home, unfortunately, so when she told me these things, it really set me off. She said stuff such as: I'm "making her life miserable", I need to "get better soon or get out", and she "can't stand "this (referring to my anger and my breakdowns) anymore". She went on to say "what is A (my T) teaching you anyways? what do you talk about?" and when I wouldn't answer, she'd scream at me. Then, later, the fight was about this friend who was being really nasty to me and calling me really nasty names, and my mom went on to say "why do you always choose people who treat you like crap? why do you let them? do you like being treated like shit? do you feel like you deserve it?". She'll say therapy isn't working when I have these breakdowns, and every time I have an episode like this, she belittles my amazing trauma therapist by saying that therapy isn't working and I'll never get better etc. She's said to me "I don't know why you feel like shit because there's plenty of people who have it worse. people have said and done horrible shit to me too, but do you think I go back in the past like you do all the time? there are people who have it worse." It's really hard to hear this, because (as someone who went through trauma would know) you already feel like crap because you literally can't "just move on". As much as she makes me mad when she does this, it hurts me to hear her blame herself for why I am this way. She's always saying "I knew I was a bad mother from the day you were born, look at how you've turned out" (she had postpartum depression for almost 2 years). At the same time though, she was talking to my grandma on the phone and she was like "she was FINE around her birthday, but apparently she felt like shit so who knows anymore. didn't you know, she's mentally ill (she said this with sarcasm and like, a sneer)". I don't know why I've shared any of this, except that it's hurt me incredibly. She's forgiven me for the anger and how I reacted, but she didn't apologize for any of this stuff she said.

Basically, she gets me so worked up that I start screaming, hitting, and punching myself (basically trying to hurt myself) and she will threaten to have me "locked up" and then she will threaten to leave. The meds aren't working at all (I'm on 25mg of Sertraline/Zoloft - week 8 now) and my GP is rude, and suggested I don't need medication (unbelievable because this is clearly affecting my functioning). I just don't know how to switch off the anger, so I figured I'd post on here to get some advice now. Does anyone know anything that helps them with these kind of anger meltdowns? I was given tips to breathe properly, and count to 10 and all of that junk, but none the tips I was given works when I *snap*. It's like a light switch turns off inside of me, and I become a grenade, and I just explode (inwardly). I'm just tired of it all. My mom keeps encouraging me to do everything that will send me over the edge. She's encouraging stopping therapy because we hardly have any insurance money (or money in general) to pay for it anymore, and to quit school because according to her it's only triggering me more, and that would really just encourage my depression and suicidal thoughts even more.. I literally have no more money for psychologists and meds. I just want to feel normal again. I don't want anymore appointments, shaking/throwing up from anxiety, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, depression, suicidal feelings, self harm issues, etc. I don't know what to do. The meds aren't helping with anything, but my GP says I don't need them, and yet my therapist thinks I do (I do too), but I don't know what I need to be on. It's like - I need something to control my explosive anger, my bouts of depression, my anxiety, etc. Does anyone have any ideas of what I should be on? I know we're not all professionals here, but has anyone had any experience with these anger explosions? What have you been on to help with these symptoms?

Someone help me out here - any advice?
 
Hmm. Sounds like where you live, isn't safe. You are constantly triggered, having to explain yourself, and exhausted. Imo. I am sorry for your pain. I too, know what you mean. I have hit myself, burned myself with ciggarettes, and numbed myself with pills, dope, alcohol.. It was a cry for help. Not a good idea. It makes things worse. Have you tried going for a walk, writing your feelings. Are you honest with your t, on how you feel? I took depakote and celexa. That helped me. What really helps though, is having a safe place, and people that unconditionally love you. Your mom, is not that. Same with my mother, and brother. They view me as stupid, weak, drama queen, you name it. Sad but true. I would challenge you, to walk away, anytime she tries verbally attacking you. Let her deal with her own. Hugs for support. You are not alone. ;)
 
For me, working out is essential.

I had - and still have sometimes - so much rage and nowhere to put it. I would be filled with the stress hormones that go with it and feel like I was going to explode.

Try working out every day. It changes your chemistry and lowers your stress hormones. You won't feel out of control, or certainly not as much.

I particularly liked using punching bags or something inanimate to punch and kick. It's an enormous relief.

If you find yourself about to go nuts, walk out the door and just run. You don't have to explain. You don't need your running shoes or a jogging outfit at that moment. Just get out and run. Then when the feelings are more manageable, you can come back and deal with it if you want.

As for your mother, she obviously has problems including anger management.
 
Hey @bitterfight_ It sounds terribly triggering for you living with your mother. I too have a tendency to punch myself in the head when badly triggered (interpersonal triggers), though it's only since I "told" someone about my trauma. It's not good at all. I've given myself concussion a few times. The only things that have helped me are to leave the house, preferably walking rather than driving like that, and being away from people altogether for a bit. The other thing I do when it gets out of hand is to use a breathing technique my T taught me - 7/11/11 breathing she calls it. Breathe in deeply for the count of 7, then hold for the count of 11, then breathe out slowly (like breathing on a window to make "steam") for the count of 11. Start again. It's not a complete fix, but it might help bring some blood flow back to the thinking part of the brain so you can think a little better, instead of full-on threat mode. Are there any options for moving out, maybe living with other family, at all?

I've started sertraline myself, just today. My GP told me that 25mg is only a starting dose, to ease in and watch for side effects. After 1 week, I'm to go to 50mg, and I've read that for PTSD it often needs to be even higher. So, going by that, I'm not surprised 25mg isn't doing anything for you. Do you have any ability to see a different doctor for another opinion? Or a psychiatrist? Sounds like your GP could possibly be influenced by your mother's attitude if she sees the same GP.
 
I can share what worked for me. Note that what I'm proposing is more of a long-term strategy, rather than suggesting tools that help in the moment, in the heat of it.

I had what felt like an intractable anger problem, and it's much more manageable now. I found the standard anger-management therapy to be condescending and decidedly unhelpful--it felt like there was too much focus on denial of legitimate feelings. Strangely (strange because I'm the opposite of spiritual), what eventually helped me the most was applying the Buddhist perspective. There's a book by the Dalai Lama called Healing Anger--I recommend it, but you'll have to do some figuring out independently on how to apply it to your life (it's certainly not a workbook, more about principles). The value for me was in getting to know my anger (through meditative reflection). For me, this proved to be an essential first step to moving beyond it. It helped me realize that anger was just covering up other feelings that were even harder to deal with (shame, fear, self-hate), so I still have some work to do... but it's easier to live my life now that I don't feel like I might explode on any given day.

Anyways, sounds like you're in a tough situation, and I'm sorry you have to deal with all that. Whatever you end up trying, let us know if you have success! Hoping it works out...
 
UPDATE:
Since I posted this, I worked up the courage to ask my psychology professor about my situation (I have no money to continue seeing my T). Considering he's a clinical psych at a hospital in my district, and the board/director of the mental health team unit here, he suggested (without hesitation) that I need to get a referral to a psychiatrist and a referral to the mental health team here. I'm absolutely terrified of this, because I'm not good with change, and I have trust issues due to a former mental health "professional". I'm basically going to have to leave the AMAZING trauma therapist I have now, and start from scratch because I can't continue with her because no insurance and no money. This is making me extremely anxious, and I'm nervous. I absolutely adore my T, but I'd have to wait 3-4 months to see a free one here, and even then I have to tell my story all over again, and then become comfortable (again) with a mental health professional. Anyways, my psych prof works at the unit in my area, and said he expects to see me there once I get my referral tomorrow. I'm nervous as hell to get my referral from my GP because she can often come off as rude, and like she doesn't believe me. I don't know. I've just had a very "out there" day, and there's a lot more shit to do now. It's so weird. I don't know how to feel about this whole "mental health treatment team" thing.

Now, to the replies:

@onesie: I wouldn't say it's not safe, but it's definitely not helping. My mother has a lot of emotional regulation problems herself, although she won't admit to it. She's offered to go to family therapy, but I fear that this would make me more triggered and set me back than push me forward. My PTSD has nothing to do with her, and I know family therapy would be good in helping her understand this sort of thing, but I'm not comfortable sharing WHY I react the way I do, because well, that's the PTSD basically. I don't know how to explain it, you know? Yep, I've done that too (literally all of that). I still struggle with self harm (although I've been 2 months cut free right now!!), and burned myself with lighters, and numbed it with dope and alcohol too. You're right it makes things worse, but I don't think the anger (hitting/punching myself) has to do with that. It's part of it, a bad coping mechanism, but I need to learn a better coping mechanism to replace that when I implode. I've tried going for a walk, but it's like once I reenter the atmosphere like that, it comes right back. I'm very honest with my T on how I feel although I don't have any insurance right now to see her, so I'm in between therapy and nothing (not a good thing for me right now with what's been going on). I've only been on Zoloft (8 weeks now), and it's not doing anything. At all. I don't know what to be on, unfortunately :( Right now, my dilemma is that my only "safe place" is in my T's office. She's the only one I trust unconditionally, and I can't see her as often because I don't have any insurance anymore, so that means I'm going to have to switch to someone else and start from scratch again. I hate this. I agree that it's an unhealthy environment, but I love my mother (as crazy as that may sound to some). Even though she reacts this way, she's stuck with me through everything and seen me at my lowest moments. I definitely am going to work on walking away when she does this next time, although she's threatened to lock me out last time I did this. Thank you for your input and advice lovely :)

@franciemarnie: I had a good routine with cheerleading, and it helped provide an outlet, but the anger still remained. Right now I'm severely out of shape, but I'm working on dealing with a suspected eating disorder as well on top of this. I don't know if that's common for PTSD sufferers, but yeah. I know exactly what you mean about the stress hormones, and rage and nowhere to put it. That's funny actually, because my T suggested for me to do kickboxing to help empower me (although I have no money to do this) it seems like a good idea. Thank you for your input and tips on running and just getting out. I'm going to try exercising more, for sure. Yes, she has a lot of built-up anger, and I wish sometimes she would stop taking her perception of my PTSD out on me, since it's incorrect most times.

@Solara: Yes, definitely. (See my update at the top, it'll explain what's going on now).

Hey @macca - it is incredibly triggering living with my mother, however I have no funds to live on my own, and no partner to move in with. I'm pretty much stuck here until I finish my degree in ~2-3 years. Wow I thought I was the only one who gave herself a concussion from this! I smashed my head off a dresser before (intentionally, although they assumed accidentally) and I gave myself a concussion. I think this is a great idea, walking and working up to running (especially considering how out of shape I am right now). I'm really excited about this 7/11/11 technique, as I used it today during a panic attack and it lowered my anxiety from a 9/10 to at least a 6-7/10. Your T gives good advice! It's definitely not a complete fix, but it's a great one. Unfortunately, no, I have no options to move out. The rest of my family lives in another province. Yeah, unfortunately the highest my T and GP want me at is 50mg and from what I'm hearing, even that doesn't do much. I haven't noticed a change at all, and my GP suggested that I "don't need anything" if I'm not seeing a change, which makes no sense. I know I considered medication as a last resort, but if this is my last resort, it's kinda like "why are you saying I don't need it?" Anyways, the 25 is doing absolutely nothing for me, and I'm worried (because I present other symptoms as well) that I also have BPD. This is why I'm looking at seeing a psychiatrist now, because if I do have BPD with my PTSD, I need something different than just an SSRI. I never thought of that, but yes we have the same GP. She definitely could be influenced, especially because my mother is on Effexor (I can't be on it because of health reasons).

Thanks for all the comments guys, I'm taking it all into consideration and trying to work my way through this crap. :)
 
I'm so glad to hear that you may soon be able to access a psychiatrist! Then you can confirm any diagnoses, and get the correct treatment. I'm really glad the breathing technique helped you. Here's to working through all our crap together! :)
 
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