bitterfight_
Confident
Sorry for the huge rant/lots of questions. I bolded the questions for you guys if you don't want to read all the mumbo jumbo in here.
I'm not going to divulge too much information, but I was traumatized in my early teens (~11-14 years old), and I was never really taught how to properly handle my anger when I was younger (my father has anger issues). Since I was traumatized (although I've been a mostly angry person beforehand according to my mother), I find my anger to be explosive and uncontrollable. Mind you, I'm not violent to others (thank god. I would never hurt a fly), but I become very self-damaging. When I getangry enraged, it's like I want to break myself into little pieces.
Around my birthday in late Feb, I got into a fight with a "friend", and then my mother (who doesn't understand my diagnosis at all) added to my issues. I live at home, unfortunately, so when she told me these things, it really set me off. She said stuff such as: I'm "making her life miserable", I need to "get better soon or get out", and she "can't stand "this (referring to my anger and my breakdowns) anymore". She went on to say "what is A (my T) teaching you anyways? what do you talk about?" and when I wouldn't answer, she'd scream at me. Then, later, the fight was about this friend who was being really nasty to me and calling me really nasty names, and my mom went on to say "why do you always choose people who treat you like crap? why do you let them? do you like being treated like shit? do you feel like you deserve it?". She'll say therapy isn't working when I have these breakdowns, and every time I have an episode like this, she belittles my amazing trauma therapist by saying that therapy isn't working and I'll never get better etc. She's said to me "I don't know why you feel like shit because there's plenty of people who have it worse. people have said and done horrible shit to me too, but do you think I go back in the past like you do all the time? there are people who have it worse." It's really hard to hear this, because (as someone who went through trauma would know) you already feel like crap because you literally can't "just move on". As much as she makes me mad when she does this, it hurts me to hear her blame herself for why I am this way. She's always saying "I knew I was a bad mother from the day you were born, look at how you've turned out" (she had postpartum depression for almost 2 years). At the same time though, she was talking to my grandma on the phone and she was like "she was FINE around her birthday, but apparently she felt like shit so who knows anymore. didn't you know, she's mentally ill (she said this with sarcasm and like, a sneer)". I don't know why I've shared any of this, except that it's hurt me incredibly. She's forgiven me for the anger and how I reacted, but she didn't apologize for any of this stuff she said.
Basically, she gets me so worked up that I start screaming, hitting, and punching myself (basically trying to hurt myself) and she will threaten to have me "locked up" and then she will threaten to leave. The meds aren't working at all (I'm on 25mg of Sertraline/Zoloft - week 8 now) and my GP is rude, and suggested I don't need medication (unbelievable because this is clearly affecting my functioning). I just don't know how to switch off the anger, so I figured I'd post on here to get some advice now. Does anyone know anything that helps them with these kind of anger meltdowns? I was given tips to breathe properly, and count to 10 and all of that junk, but none the tips I was given works when I *snap*. It's like a light switch turns off inside of me, and I become a grenade, and I just explode (inwardly). I'm just tired of it all. My mom keeps encouraging me to do everything that will send me over the edge. She's encouraging stopping therapy because we hardly have any insurance money (or money in general) to pay for it anymore, and to quit school because according to her it's only triggering me more, and that would really just encourage my depression and suicidal thoughts even more.. I literally have no more money for psychologists and meds. I just want to feel normal again. I don't want anymore appointments, shaking/throwing up from anxiety, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, depression, suicidal feelings, self harm issues, etc. I don't know what to do. The meds aren't helping with anything, but my GP says I don't need them, and yet my therapist thinks I do (I do too), but I don't know what I need to be on. It's like - I need something to control my explosive anger, my bouts of depression, my anxiety, etc. Does anyone have any ideas of what I should be on? I know we're not all professionals here, but has anyone had any experience with these anger explosions? What have you been on to help with these symptoms?
Someone help me out here - any advice?
I'm not going to divulge too much information, but I was traumatized in my early teens (~11-14 years old), and I was never really taught how to properly handle my anger when I was younger (my father has anger issues). Since I was traumatized (although I've been a mostly angry person beforehand according to my mother), I find my anger to be explosive and uncontrollable. Mind you, I'm not violent to others (thank god. I would never hurt a fly), but I become very self-damaging. When I get
Around my birthday in late Feb, I got into a fight with a "friend", and then my mother (who doesn't understand my diagnosis at all) added to my issues. I live at home, unfortunately, so when she told me these things, it really set me off. She said stuff such as: I'm "making her life miserable", I need to "get better soon or get out", and she "can't stand "this (referring to my anger and my breakdowns) anymore". She went on to say "what is A (my T) teaching you anyways? what do you talk about?" and when I wouldn't answer, she'd scream at me. Then, later, the fight was about this friend who was being really nasty to me and calling me really nasty names, and my mom went on to say "why do you always choose people who treat you like crap? why do you let them? do you like being treated like shit? do you feel like you deserve it?". She'll say therapy isn't working when I have these breakdowns, and every time I have an episode like this, she belittles my amazing trauma therapist by saying that therapy isn't working and I'll never get better etc. She's said to me "I don't know why you feel like shit because there's plenty of people who have it worse. people have said and done horrible shit to me too, but do you think I go back in the past like you do all the time? there are people who have it worse." It's really hard to hear this, because (as someone who went through trauma would know) you already feel like crap because you literally can't "just move on". As much as she makes me mad when she does this, it hurts me to hear her blame herself for why I am this way. She's always saying "I knew I was a bad mother from the day you were born, look at how you've turned out" (she had postpartum depression for almost 2 years). At the same time though, she was talking to my grandma on the phone and she was like "she was FINE around her birthday, but apparently she felt like shit so who knows anymore. didn't you know, she's mentally ill (she said this with sarcasm and like, a sneer)". I don't know why I've shared any of this, except that it's hurt me incredibly. She's forgiven me for the anger and how I reacted, but she didn't apologize for any of this stuff she said.
Basically, she gets me so worked up that I start screaming, hitting, and punching myself (basically trying to hurt myself) and she will threaten to have me "locked up" and then she will threaten to leave. The meds aren't working at all (I'm on 25mg of Sertraline/Zoloft - week 8 now) and my GP is rude, and suggested I don't need medication (unbelievable because this is clearly affecting my functioning). I just don't know how to switch off the anger, so I figured I'd post on here to get some advice now. Does anyone know anything that helps them with these kind of anger meltdowns? I was given tips to breathe properly, and count to 10 and all of that junk, but none the tips I was given works when I *snap*. It's like a light switch turns off inside of me, and I become a grenade, and I just explode (inwardly). I'm just tired of it all. My mom keeps encouraging me to do everything that will send me over the edge. She's encouraging stopping therapy because we hardly have any insurance money (or money in general) to pay for it anymore, and to quit school because according to her it's only triggering me more, and that would really just encourage my depression and suicidal thoughts even more.. I literally have no more money for psychologists and meds. I just want to feel normal again. I don't want anymore appointments, shaking/throwing up from anxiety, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, depression, suicidal feelings, self harm issues, etc. I don't know what to do. The meds aren't helping with anything, but my GP says I don't need them, and yet my therapist thinks I do (I do too), but I don't know what I need to be on. It's like - I need something to control my explosive anger, my bouts of depression, my anxiety, etc. Does anyone have any ideas of what I should be on? I know we're not all professionals here, but has anyone had any experience with these anger explosions? What have you been on to help with these symptoms?
Someone help me out here - any advice?