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Relationship So Now I'm Confused But A Little Happy.

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Becksknox

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So I posted about a week ago that I had cut off my vet with combat PTSD. He then went from calm to irrational and very upset. That night he also sent a very good apology and came over the next day to apologize more. He suggested that day that we go a week with no communication. He later texted that he wouldn't be able to go a week without checking on my to make sure I was ok.

He continued to text little things here and there and I would stay over bc honestly, it's hard to be away and we both sleep better together than alone. I have bad insomnia by myself and for years I've had it. It's gone with him. So each day we would say, it starts today. Then he couldn't stick to it. Even on the days I was "strong". The truth is I didn't want to go without him. Finally on Friday he admitted he made a bad choice by suggesting it. So Sunday he called, instead of texting and asked me to come over to talk.

He said that he still wants to keep going the way we have been. Dating slowly and hanging out. He said we are good for each others well being and he wants to be around me. I still see little bits of him like he was before this isolation started. I can't lose or give up hope at this point. This is good for him bc he is becoming loving again but I know it will be a long time before he says he loves me again and I know that, but his actions speak louder than his words, so I'm happy with that.

He still says he doesn't want a serious relationship right now but we are seeing eachother more and more and his phone calls have increased. Also last week he admitted he didn't want to seek therapy help bc he was scared to relive everything. Yesterday he was quite excited bc he had found a therapist and wanted to start to heal.

If anyone thinks all of this is a good sign of healing, please let me know. And also, what is the best way for me to proceed so I don't push him away or tip his cup?
 
Thank you @itsKismet I started with my new therapist the week and already love her. She and I are coming up with a plan of action instead of just going on with therapy with no end in sight.

And he's said things like "I'm sure we'll end up together" even though right now I feel we are back in our "relationship" but not sure he can admit that word yet.
 
It sounds like you guys are working out your isolation policy.

If I'm remembering right, you're PTSD, too?

If so... Long term? You guys are going to need a working isolation policy. So that when either of you are overwhelmed and need a few hours to a few days neither of you gets spun up outta control either trying to not take space, or is butt hurt / gutted / massive anxiety cycle over the other taking space. Part of that isolation policy includes how often each of you needs the other to check in. That's totally individual, and it can vary. Ditto coming off of it, or being borderline. Like what you're describing now is me when I'm borderline (not the disorder, borderline needing to isolate or coming off of isolation) when it can really go either way at any minute. That period has different "rules" in my relationships. It's very much a daily playing things by ear. Shrug.
 
Overall, I am reading positivity.

I think it's fantastic that he wants to get help.

I hope you are prepared that that more than anything will likely tip his cup, and I smell isolation. That's not intrinsically bad. Not at all. I just think that you need to know getting help means not avoiding means the stress cup is strained.
 
@FridayJones Thank you. I'm still letting him hold the reigns to an extent so I don't stress or pressure him but we have talked a little more in depth. For him to admit he wants to see me and we are good for each other's well being is a good step for him. I just don't want to swing him off the fence and push me away again so now I'm trying to let him do his thing and if he wants needs to see me, I'm there for him.

Can you give me anymore tips on how you react to this stage? From what you said it does seem similar bc a couple weeks ago if he gave me a little sign he may back off slightly. Now he's not so much. At this point, his actions are way stronger than his words and if I had to define our situation right now, I would say we are back to a relationship status even if it's not as much as before, but seems to be moving there. I don't need him to define what we are right now bc of his actions and words. From what I've read for him to say "relationship" may be too stressful right now or too black and white. But the "I don't want a relationship" statements are gone.
 
Thank you anonymous! I know the help will throw him for a loop and I am prepared as much as I can be. It's scary to me slightly bc I worry that it may cause him to shut me out forever, but he has always come back so I will continue hope in that. He knows I'm always here for him and even has told friends this he knows I've treated him better than anyone and loved him more than anyone and cared for him more than anyone. I pray thru therapy those truths remain.
 
@itsKismet Thank you so much for your response!!! I have definitely taken your advice and my new therapist is wonderful and I am very hopeful. As always your posts are inviting to me and you have always been a ray of hope on this difficult journey for me and I appreciate it more than you may know.
 
I just don't want to swing him off the fence and push me away again so now I'm trying to let him do his thing and if he wants needs to see me, I'm there for him.
I honestly think this is the sort of thinking that was causing you a lot of pain in the first place. I just want to echo @itsKismet -
I suggest focusing more on yourself so that you don't NEED him so much.....I mean work on your own healing and develop outside interests and friends.
Statements like these:
I'm still letting him hold the reigns to an extent so I don't stress or pressure him
He knows I'm always here for him and even has told friends this he knows I've treated him better than anyone and loved him more than anyone and cared for him more than anyone.
what is the best way for me to proceed so I don't push him away or tip his cup?
Just don't sound like the best thing for you. I get that you may be totally OK with putting all your energy into being ready for him whenever he needs you - but it's like you are defining your worth based on his esteem, not your own - and when you don't get reassurance from him that he still needs you. you struggle emotionally (at least, that seemed to be the pattern in the past). Right now, you are full up on reassurance. But when you don't hear from him for three days, where will you be at?

I hope I'm not coming off as super-negative. When I read your posts concerning him, it strikes me as an addiction that you have, more than a relationship. And the specific kind of thinking that goes along with believing that he is deeper in the relationship than he is comfortable admitting, because of the way he is acting...I don't know. Those kinds of uneven relationships never turn out well, PTSD or no.
 
@joeylittle Thank you. I don't think that was super negative at all. I'm taking the steps to better me. I've started with a great therapist here, my meds have been switched which has made a huge difference in my stress and anxiety. I've met a lot of good friends since I moved, which I didn't think possible and I only knew him. I've picked back up my hobbies, trail running, etc and painting.
These together for me have all given me a sense of worth and I don't need him now, I want him, but I also realize I'll survive even I don't have him. Before I felt like he was my oxygen. At this point I think that's why I'm still hopeful, but know I'll be ok either way.
I've even surprised myself and told him I couldn't see him a couple times bc I had made plans with friends once and the next time I was really into painting and didn't want to drop that for him.

I know it's been a short time, but I'm feeling more stable on my own 2 feet now.
 
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