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So sad that i was raised to feel worthless and i let people abuse me

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mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I just thought I'd share this because it's a little new for me to feel grief and consideration for young me. Having been raised in such a demoralising, spiteful and neglectful way by my mother and just very neglectful and complicit way by my Dad, I learnt that I had no value. I let myself be very abused, raped, assaulted, drugged, gaslit, threatened, neglected, etc, in a criminal way. I'm just now feeling some empathy for young me instead of just shame and self judgement. I wasn't treated right or given a chance from the very beginning.

I'm grieving for my young self and I wish I could reach out and let her know she deserved so much better. That she was a good person being treated very badly and none of it was deserved or her fault or a reflection of her worth. I'm so sad and crying for her, it's amazing she survived at all. I'm still broken because of so many, many years of abuse and neglect and sexual exploitation and violence and hatred inflicted on myself.

This is a shout out to others in the same boat. There's an integral part of me and you they never touched. The rest can be loved and validated back into wholeness, I believe. ((((((Hugs))))) and tears all round for anyone who can relate.
 
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Hugs to you @mumstheword and thank you.
They’re resilient, determined and lovin...
@NinjaWolf - you are such a beautiful, kind, wise and bright soul. You are resilient, determined and loving, I know that for sure.

I'm sorry we are in this place @mumstheword and everyone else who realizes it's...

@MrMoonlight - I want to hug you and cry for your sad, neglected, abused, oppressed and hurt boy inside you and in your past and how he haunts you and cries out for love and validation still. Do you mind? I feel very sad for you and him and my tears are welling, thinking about it. I hope you don't mind if I grieve for you too. You never deserved any of it. You are a good and genuine person, I know it.
 
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Although I didn't have an abusive childhood in the way you described, I'd wanted to share what I'd gone through; the never ending litany of "abuses" from my father, since I could crawl, walk and speak; he was so hard on us that it was never ending and impossible...he was always criticizing, being hard on us for EVERY damn thing that we did, trying to make us strong I guess and rid us of all imperfections. He wouldn't allow us to be anything but absolutely perfect. I remember having a very sad childhood and a sad feeling...
Some of us are born extremely emotionally sensitive, attuned, bright and intelligent. I believe that we suffer the most in life under the wrong parenting, or abuse.
I also went through something; something happened to me around the age of 13. I went through some traumatic experience. I was never easy on myself - because someone was never easy on me; I wanted to impress him. I remember feeling mercilessly afraid of him all the time, he was never pleasant to be around and everything was an exercise to "make us better". Every damn thing from scouting to the camping trips we took. Every time I was around him I felt bad all the time, he was dreadful to be around, and beat us into the ground literally all the time with criticism and anger, and kept us there...thinking he was molding perfect little human beings, who would never make mistakes; he thought if he trained the mistakes out of us that we would have an easier life and - that we wouldn't make any; that has to be a form of abuse. I wasn't allowed to feel anything; all emotions should and must be kept in check at all times...self-expression wasn't allowed, we were only allowed to feel what we were supposed to feel....any self-expression was punished (I have borderline personality disorder now). And act the ways that we are supposed to act, like perfectionists robots that are praised by anyone and would earn accolades; for being so perfect. I never really remember feeling good around my dad. He was insane. I just wanted to get away from him most of the time.
I still loved him and you don't know anything else as a kid. I just wanted to be a soldier like my dad, a perfect soldier... I believed it was the way I handled things, that made me worse and that gave ultimately me these issues...until I thought again about my dad in this post. And, likewise that realizing these things is also the way out.
I didn't know anything else at the time and just thought this was normal growing up. I realized not everyone was like this but had no real basis of comparison to just how bad it was, how damaging...and what a not normal childhood I had, and how it's affected me now. I don't think I'll ever be normal. I may always be behind and always under, not earning things or money or taking opportunities. I feel like I belong below on the ground because I am a piece of shit...that doesn't do anything right, and I have to keep beating myself up; to perfect myself of course, but I just don't deserve anything. It's a miserable existence that my dad shared with us.
I will, I feel always be on the ground licking crumbs because of this and I have to train myself literally train to com up for air - relax, breathe and give myself kindness and a pat on the back. To let myself come up and just be.
The most painful thing was that it wasn't acknowledged. It's as if my parents thought that if they just didn't acknowledge that, it would not be painful anymore sweep it under a rug; for them it was. But the pain subsisted.
I still feel worthless and I have to remind myself that I am good, I am okay. I am better than okay actually. I am a great guy.
Because that's now how I feel; and I give myself permission to feel that way, because you know what I deserve it. More than most people because I've been so hard on myself, I should be perfect by now.. jokes. ;).
 
Hugs back to you @mumstheword
I relate muchly! Sometimes it's really good when w...
@Bearlinda - the shame is so hard to move past, isn't it? I'm still struggling a lot with that too. I do think It helps to come together, acknowledge that we deserve compassion and try our best to put the shame where it should be, back on those who abused us.

It still debilitates me though. I hope we can both overcome this. I want to focus on that resilient, determined and loving part that lovely NinjaWolf mentioned. I think she is talking about you too.
 
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Although I didn't have an abusive childhood in the way you described, I'd wanted to share what I'd gone t...
That sounds so heartbreaking and demoralizing @Erics . I really recommend getting hold of Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving. I really think you would benefit from applying his suggestions for recovery from the kind of psychological abuse you suffered. It is hard to change but harder still to continue reacting to the childhood damage.(((((Hugs)))))) You can do this! You can reclaim your life and integrity and be the person you want to be and feel you are inside. I'm rooting for you!!!! As would be loads of us here.
 
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Thank you @mumstheword :hug::hug:
Yes, of course I do mean you (((Bearlinda)))

I also had a bit of a grieving session tonight, for all of our little guys. I think they are in there strong, and so full and ready to be received compassionately, and to explore with a sense of inner safety and wonder. I was surrounded by some lovely people whilst this happened, one of whom is very empowering. I pass this forward.
 
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