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So, What Do You Think I Should Do?

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Ajf7849d

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Quick Summary: (You don't have to read the whole thing). Basically, I was sexually assaulted 6 years ago, when I was 13. In the coming months and years I completely botched the cover up of what happened in regards to this girl I knew who cared deeply about me. I tried to protect her, but I ended up saying some f*cked up things to her, and continued to ignore her throughout most of high school. Mostly because I couldn't really speak. She took good care of me throughout high school, whenever we had a class together, but I feel like I messed her up. I feel awful, and I want to apologize. But can I, at this point? The last time I technically saw her was 3 years ago, and I'm pretty certain she's definitely gotten over it, she's been doing fine for awhile now. Do I just leave it, I don't want to do the wrong thing.

Ridiculously-Long-Full-Story: Shit. So, here's the situation. 6ish years ago, I was sexually assaulted. I came to the (in hindsight) irrational conclusion that I was going to die and I decided that, in a state of sleep deprivation and complete utter fear, that the best way to handle this situation was to push everyone I was close to and cared about, far away from me. The goal was to make them hate me. I thought this would help them cope. My logic was pretty awful. But that's what I thought, honest to God.

So anyway there was this girl, we were only like 13 years old when this happened. She saw me coming into class all red eyed and beat, I wasn't talking much at all, and she was concerned about me. She'd press me to tell her what was wrong, and when I told her I was fine she'd call me out and tell me I was a liar. That really meant a lot to me. The year prior, we had a class together and she tried all these dumb little middle schooler things to try to get me to like her. Since the day we met she'd been sort of smitten, I guess? with me? I dunno, I always found that absurd, I still find it absurd, but that's what it was, and I never really cared for her at that point in my life. I was 12, I didn't really give much of a damn about girls.

Anyway, back to being 13. I appreciated the fact that she cared but I still thought that the best way to help them cope was to make them hate me. And ignoring her and lying to her wasn't doing anything for me, so I ended up saying some nasty things to her, really f*cked up stuff. Called her a whore, a slut, told her she was stupid. I just wanted her to hate me. And it worked. I wish I hadn't done it like that, I really do. But I can't deny that it worked for about a year, she completely stopped talking to me for the most part.

She had been the only person who had really cared about me, and even after that she looked after me throughout most of high school, or so I always suspected. I guess I'll never know, but her friends were always overly kind and sweet to me. I got the impression that they knew certain things about me. But maybe I was wrong, I don't know. I met an ex-boyfriend of hers later on, someone she dated early in high school, and the guy had nothing but praise for me. It was almost a little creepy.

But, despite all this, I sort of held on to the memory of her. At first it was all very relevant stuff, she tried to be there for me, so whenever I'd be feeling suicidal during the early days I'd tell myself that I couldn't because she still cared about me. It'd be wrong to do that. Just thinking about her made me happy. It took her about two years or so until she stopped talking to me, and even then, the last time we spoke about 3 years ago, she was constantly checking on me to see how I was doing and if I was ok. I was a complete mess at that point, but I did my best to lie to her anyway. That's kind of what I had always done, though I was awful at it. I could tell at that point that it didn't really bother her that much that I was lying. It seemed to me like she was over it, which I thought was a good thing but then I realized that I was finally, completely, on my own. I could barely function, still couldn't talk, but it was true and it took the longest time to cope with. I no longer had anything to live for, I was ready to die, in a way.

Anyway, like I said, I haven't spoken to her in 3 years. I stopped going on facebook a year ago, so I don't know where she is in life currently. She had been dating the same guy for about three years, so, you know, for high school that's pretty decent. But here's the main point: I feel like I f*cked her up. I really do. I can't explain it to you, because she never said anything, but it's just the vibe I get. She's beautiful, and that's the kind of reinforcement she had received growing up. But I get this impression that I made her a mess emotionally, I feel like that's kind of inevitable, and I feel like that's shown through the fact that she wasn't able to write me off as an asshole and just ignore me. I feel like that would have been the natural thing to do, but she didn't. I don't know, it's hard to explain. I overheard a conversation amongst her friends, about how she's just into the wrong kind of men. But, I mean, I don't know. I feel responsible for that. I feel really guilty, and I don't know what to say to her. Is there anything I can say?

It's been 3 years now, I finished my first year of college. My life, is uh, still sort of a mess. I don't have many facebook pics to show for, nor really many friends. So I don't want to go back to facebook just yet, and if I do say something to her I want to be able to show that I'm not completely in the pits anymore. I used to be the kind of guy who needed to be in charge all the time every time, and I'm sort of back to being like that but I'm still completely disconnected from the real world. I still dissociate, I still flip out going shopping, I'm pretty much still depressed. I'm a lot better than I was before, I can talk and everything, but there are still problems and I just don't want to make it look like when I do talk to her that I'm secretly calling out for help. I want to, I'd really like to see her and make amends, but it wouldn't be fair to do that to her, and all I really want to do is say that I'm sorry. I don't know how to say it, but I just feel like I need to do it. She always meant a lot to me, everything she did for me and her concern meant a lot to me, and I never came close to paying her back for what she did for me. I pushed her away because I knew what I was about to get into, and I knew it wouldn't be any good for her, she's always been really sensitive, and looking at the PTSD supporter side of the forum I'm glad I kept her out of the more messy days of my life. I know now that women love it when you let them help you with your problems, but I mean, this kind of shit only gets healed through time and repression. It wouldn't have been good for her.

But I just worry that I f*cked her up, regardless, and I never wanted that. I don't know what to do. I feel ridiculously guilty, I don't even think about the sexual assault anymore, I just think about her. She had become some kind of a self defense mechanism at some point, just thinking about her cheered me up. But we were never really in contact throughout high school. So I feel awful about that too, and pathetic, because who the hell does that. It's just so f*cking sad. I still do it, to be honest, because she was all I had for all those years. It seems like everyone else just wanted me to put an end to it, but then she'd come along and she'd cheer me up a little bit. And I just need it to stop, I need to let go of all of this. But I can't knowing that I did something horribly wrong to a perfectly good person.

Man...I don't know how to explain any of this. It's such a pathetic story, that's why I don't share it, because nothing I did to survive was by any means noble or worth bragging about. I did fine with everyone else I knew, my family and most friends and all that, protecting them, it's something I'm proud of. But I failed with her. And I don't know what to do, I technically haven't really spoken to her in 5 years, since it happened. The person she spoke to 3 years ago was hardly even alive, he couldn't even talk. It doesn't really count...to be honest.

edit: I should add...I'm sorry. But I should add that a large part of me wanting to apologize to her is that I still wish that she could help me. I needed her back then, I knew that, I needed her really bad. She could've made life much less difficult. But I did what I did, and I just wish I could get her to help me with things. But that's not possible at all, now, things have changed. Not going to happen. But I still want it, deep in my subconscious. She's a savior figure, for me. Again, kind of sad, but what are you gonna do.
 
When you feel ready, what about writing her a thank-you note? If you think you should apologize, personally I'd hold off on that until after thanking her. It's quite clear that she means a lot to you, from what you've said I'm guessing she'd be glad to hear from you when you're ready.
 
I was going to include that in the apology. I guess, I dunno, that's much riskier than a simple "I'm sorry". That takes guts that I don't know I have.

I'm just trying to figure out if I should let this go or not. I'm trying to keep it as normal as possible. I'm pretty sure I should be well over her by now, so that's why I'm wondering if I should just leave it or if I should say something.
 
This is my advice: Write to her a short message saying something like this: "I have been thinking about you a lot, you were a real friend who excepted me with all the difficulties I had to deal with, but I was too immature to realize it. I want to apologize and ask for your forgiveness."

What you need to do - is stop pretending. If she asks how you are - be honest.

I don't recomand adding her as a facebook friend because it might be intimidating being apart of her social life and seeing picutres of her and her boyfriend, since you obviously have feelings for her.

You should write her because you need closure. Don't feel guilty. You were just a child.
Now that you are grown up you can appologize and move on.

I hope this helps.
 
It's never too late to say you're sorry. I encourage you to reach out and do so. It takes a LOT of strength to admit past fault, and I commend you for this. However, perhaps it's best to leave it at that as seeing her as a savior figure doesn't seem to be particularly healthy.
 
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