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Somatic Pain/memories And Trauma

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TeaLeaf

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I was sexually abused as a child and have what feels like body memories from the abuse. Many years ago, I felt like I had to pee all the time, no cause was found even after multiple tests and seeing a specialist. They put me on a medication and after a year I stopped taking it due to side effects and I ended up doing fine.

On a semi regular basis, I feel like things are not right in my pelvic area. There isn't anything specific I would describe as traditional physical pain or something that requires medical attention, its often this vague sensation that things are not right and I need to protect myself or process something lurking in my pelvic area. At its worst, generally when I am dealing with more intense flashbacks or memories, I feel like there is an ice block that is on fire in my vagina. I talk to my therapist about it and she said she had another client with a similar history and nearly identical descriptions as mine.

Today I went to urgent care due to a urinary tract infection and the pain and anxiety I felt were terrible. I get tearful, feel like I am going to fall apart and just can't cope well. Does anyone else have somatic memories from their trauma? Sometimes it's hard not to feel like I am crazy or I am sentenced to a life of these weird feelings in my pelvic area.
 
Oh Tealeaf, I'm so so sorry you are experiencing this. I can vividly relate and can attest to the fact that experiences almost identical to those you describe, are some of the worst and most distressing somatic memories I have had.

It has only been fairly recently that I have become consciously aware of what these strange niggling sensations (which I have known on and off for my whole life) actually reflect or represent, and as I have begun to acknowledge and process the relevant traumas, the somatic memories have intensified significantly. I recently did an EMDR session where we worked on an event that included a violent sexual assault when I was aged 8, and both at the time of the EMDR, and even more so in the days that followed, somatic memories of this nature were, at times, absolutely agonising and caused me more physical and emotional distress than I could ever have anticipated. We had to dedicate the entire next therapy session to just processing through some of that pain and its origins, which was horribly difficult, but critically important.

Obviously this is stuff you are working through with your therapist, which is great, as like all trauma memories, I know they have to be worked through and processed and will hopefully fade as that processing takes place. For me, talking about such things was one of the hardest, yet most important, things I could do and will need to continue to do. I am so incredibly lucky to hav a therapist with whom I can finally discuss such things, and I'm so glad that it sounds like you do too.

And yes, it's not just the physical sensation, but the intense feelings of emotional distress and vulnerability that are also so frightening and painful. I'm so sorry you have recently had to confront this in the context of a medical issue...

All that to say thatI relate, and empathise, and wish you much support and validation as you find your way through this.

Maddog
 
What you are experiencing are emotional flashbacks. Not visual hallucinations, but all the feelings of a prior event come back.

My father was not at all willing to accept the fact that I wasnt born knowing how to use the toilet. My potty training process involved lots of yelling and screaming. The phsycial abuse hadn't started yet as far as I can remember, but I remember feeling physically dominated helpless and afraid, as well as confused and unsure what I was supposed to do.

The fear of wetting my pants in public persisted for many years.

Also, I could not fall asleep in any place that wasnt safe and secure (meaning no one else around) for many years. Id get tired and doze off but always woke up feeling like I needed to protect myself from something. I don't remember exactly, but I am pretty sure there was some sexual abuse.
 
I am not sure if this falls under somatic memories or emotional flashbacks but...

I can remember the exact places where my brother physically assualted/threatened me. I can remember the brief important details, not the little ones in between. I get overwhelming feelings of anger, fear, and isolation. I was always somehow cornered by him, no matter what the situation was. My mind races, I start to breathe quickly, and I shake a little. I think it falls under both. My memories are in bits of pieces.
 
Also, I could not fall asleep in any place that wasnt safe and secure (meaning no one else around) for many years. Id get tired and doze off but always woke up feeling like I needed to protect myself from something.

I can relate to this. I sometimes need to wear layers of clothing to bed to feel safe, secure and protect myself. In the last 4 months, there were 2 occasions that I woke up to the maintenance men of the building doing routine repairs. I was working night shift and sleeping during the day, I wear a face mask and ear plugs and was terrified when I woke up to mens voices in my apartment. I had a very serious talk with the managers of my building and they are supposedly now clear on the fact that they are never to enter my apartment again without speaking to me. My husband was irate when he found out what I had to wake up to not once but twice, he knows how scared I was.
 
was terrified when I woke up to mens voices in my apartment.

Oh my, I remember once waking up to what I assumed were men in my house because I could hear voices. I couldn't move, my heart was racing and I started to cry. I was terrified.

Turns out they weren't in the house. The neighbors were standing right outside my window talking. I decided to change rooms after that.

Glad you had a serious talk with the managers. It is unacceptable for them to go in there without notifying you first.
 
Also, I could not fall asleep in any place that wasnt safe and secure

I can relate. This is a big problem for me. I'll go days without sleeping if I don't feel relatively safe.

I remember staying at my sister's house once and she came into the room to get something after I had fallen asleep. I woke up startled and terrified. I was unable to sleep for a few nights after that. I was also unable to sleep for days after the incident from my last post.

Sleeping makes me feel very vulnerable. For me feeling unsafe while sleeping brings up a lot of memories and emotions from the abuse.
 
It can get better. I remember falling asleep in class in college. Perhaps not the best thing for a student to do, and I would often awake startled and uncomfortable, but in retrospect it was actually a kind of exposure therapy and falling asleep in a big lecture hall full of people was both scary but actually a fairly safe environment.

The worst (best) was in a freshman level philosophy class, the teacher would sometimes encourage class discussion and participation. I was dozing off, but some part of my brain was still listening, the teacher asked a question, and without meaning to I just snapped awake and started answering. I got some funny looks, hahaha.

I almost never have emotional flashbacks any more. Of course I havent even touched a woman in 3 years, so they might come back if and when I did, but apart form that they are gone. Thankfully.
 
Wow, I joined this website to find someone else who was experiencing body memories because it feels like so few people know what I'm even talking about...even some of my past therapists had no idea!

I have body memories almost exactly like yours but mine is pretty much 24/7, get way worse when I am getting ready to have a flashback or have just had a flashback and feels like what actually happened at some points. I also get that "burn" feelings, I even went to the gyno to make sure that nothing was seriously wrong because I would be in so much pain I wouldn't be able to sit unless I had a pillow and when I did sit, I would sob, sometimes even vomiting from the intense pain.

I am so sorry that you are going through this but I just know, you are certainly not alone.
 
I'm sorry to jump in this but do do you all believe that the body memories are real and that they are actually telling us something even if we don't remember ? That what our bodies are 'telling'us really happened? Please say no
 
I can relate to this myself. When I started having panic attacks a year ago I would get all this terrifying bodily sensation, like a flashback but without any images. I could feel hands on my throat, a weight on my chest and something horrible being jammed into my throat. The fear of what this might be was overpowering. In EMDR it seems to be coming clear that I was partly awake during major surgery which seems to have triggered ptsd. I think our bodies have a memory and when we can't process something it can sit there wanting to come out.

I have had 20 years of depression and anxiety before this, only now is my body telling me what it's all about.
 
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