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Somehow I Will Find My Way Thru This Mess Of PTSD

Discussion in 'General' started by beatle_bailey, Feb 10, 2007.

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  1. beatle_bailey

    beatle_bailey Active Member

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    the other day I had watched somthing that triggered my stress
    level over a lot of years with out this gorum I have fumbled my way thru this sh-- and partly healed . I still often get triggered , it my be a movie ,, its may be somones story on this site ,,,, the one thing I have learned is they are my real feelings ,, every stinking one of them ,,, but they are real today ,, they are not dyluted by antidepressents or other drugs any more ,,, One way or another I knew I had to feeling every one of all the things I had supressed over all the years of my drinking and druging ,,,, many people may not agree with this method ,, I don't blame you ,,, it was horrific to go thru that way ,,, but it was the only way I could figure at the time ,,,, this forum was not avalable 16yrs ago
    I have bin asking how to open a closed heart ,,, how to let people in ,,, and other questions as such in hear and have not gotten much replies ,,, I have gotten some ,, and for those I am thankful for ,,,
    but I keep searching and I will not be denide what I need ,,, so I ask many dierant sorces that are avalable to me ,,, I had to painfully search out each one of them ,,,, this is a good place ,,, don't get me wrong '''
    I was reading a few of these story ,,, cause I read slow and type even slower ,,, but these storyies have open my heart dramaticly ,,,
    and I found my heart opening up to others ,,, found my self crying over other peoples pain and struggles to combat this afull desseaze ,,
    I will post a diary soon with Anthony's or somone elses permission
    just have a real hard time letting people know the real me ,, that old trust
    issue ,,, but still I have seen much growth in other and should try it weather or not I like the Idea or not ,,, cause I ussually find I get much growth in doing things I don't like ,,, so wether or not you have had to do what i have done to get were I am in stage of my recover from Ptsd I do still need lots of inpot ,,, to help me grow further with my sharted heart and the triggers that still hount me ,,, BeatleBailey
    ps will some one show me how to start a diary
     
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  3. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Do you know where the diary section is, BB? Under Trauma Diaries? Just go there and start a new thread as your diary. In "Trauma Public", if you're not a member of the PTSD group.
     
  4. mac

    mac Active Member

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    From the PTSD Forum Home page, click on Trauma Diaries/Trauma Public, click on "New Thread." I think this is how you would post a diary entry, if not I'm sure someone will eventually come along and help you.
     
  5. mac

    mac Active Member

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    Oh Hey Batgirl, looks like you beat me to it:hello:
     
  6. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I would have to double check with Anthony but I think you can go in the private diary that no one sees too.
     
  7. beatle_bailey

    beatle_bailey Active Member

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    thanks guys ,,, i'll give it a try ,,, but i kind of wanted to try the private first
    Beatle :dont-know
     
  8. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Beatle, I do not think the private diary is closed to members. While one is public, another is only viewable by those in the private PTSD chat, the other is strictly pivate where only Anthony and Roerich can view it. None of the editors or such can see it either. Just go to the private which I believe is the first one listed and start a new thread. It should show you no threads are in there. Well because they are hidden except for your own.
     
  9. beatle_bailey

    beatle_bailey Active Member

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    Thanks Veiled ,,, Found it ,,, maybe later I will start one ,,,
    got to do somthin else right now ,, BBL,
    Beatle
     
  10. beatle_bailey

    beatle_bailey Active Member

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    Wow can this sh-- come on fast ,,, and this is no one fault ,, just how powerful this PTSD really is ,,,
    I read myfriends last post ,, so I gave that friend a call , That person lives close by ,,, we talked ,, and I'm at the verge of brakeing down ,, not because of that friend at all but because of just how vulnurable I have bin lately ,,,
    I am shaking and can barly type ,, but must for my own needs ,,, I live alone ,, and get so stusk with this sh-- that it feels no one is out there ,,, God Help me
    one day soon my heart will brake or my mind and I am afraid there will be no one there to catch me ,, about 7 yrs, ago this did happen and 2 very gentle but brave people came out of an AA meeting that I had just left ,, don't get all close minded on me hear ,, cause this is about PTSD not AA,,,, but at that time I broke this crippled woman an an very religous old man came out and sat with be and save my ass from the rubber room just by being there ,, all that happened turned out to be a very freeing expiereance for me ,,, tho it would take days for me to figure out ,,,
    the thing is I can see this one coming ,,, and have bin trying to find a save place for it to happen ,,, there is no such thing ,,because we never know when it will burst out ,, some times I can throw up the walls and hold it back ,,, but I have bin becoming more and more vulnurable as of late ,,,
    I want this to happen even invite it ,,, because I know on the other side of this pain ,lonelyness, and disspair there will be a freeing and growth of my heart an soul ,, I believe I will be stronger and more exceptable of the people around me ,,, maybe thats all Bull SH--,,,,

    I'm actively seeking out a spiritual retreat in hope that may help me free up this twisted mind ,,,,:stupid: :up-yours: :think: all in one
    thats all I can muster up right now
    Beatle
     
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  11. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    But bailey the point is you are working on it and willing to go through hell to get to a better place. I am glad they were there for you then. It is not BS. You can do this and continue to live happily and content at some point. You are working on it and no one can ask more from you. You are not rolling over and dying. You see it coming and are going to take action. Great job! And great job getting this out of you.
     
    beatle_bailey likes this.
  12. wildcritter44

    wildcritter44 Active Member

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    Hugs to you Beatle -- Hang in there!

    :hello: I am glad you had some one there for you...

    Hugs to you now and in the future as you take the steps going through all the "not so fun things." Hang in there!

    Take Care

    Hugs always..

    D (wildcritter)
     
    beatle_bailey likes this.
  13. beatle_bailey

    beatle_bailey Active Member

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    Thanks Veiled
    I am thankful for your incoraging words ,,,, 15 yrs ago a man told me as long as i'm seeking I will find the answers ,,, never forgot the crazy son of a B ,, can't even remember his name right now but I remember what he did for me with vivid clairity ,,
    my friend for this forum and I got to send a few hours talking and listening to each other and I'm much calmer now
    Beatle bailey
     
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