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Something Other Than Loneliness

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Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
Another story, with personal struggles.
I had this Idealization of soleness. I used to be interested in Henry David Thoreau, Robin Davidson, Christopher McCandless or other humans who used to leave the so-called society, escaping social expectations. I knew very well why I idealized this way of living, but just through rationalizing I couldnt get off from it. My concept of it is most probably naiv and romanticizing but I need to hold on to that. Because in reality most of them fled, hoping to get rid of those personal demons and some of them even died from starvation. One could ask, well why do you just talk about it? Why dont you just try? I cant, Not now..... maybe on an experiment for a few weeks.

The truth is, that I am not capable of human relationships, not capable doesnt mean that its just done and over. Its not something that has to stay that way, but I just cant bear the fact that I get hurt again. So, thats a very familiar story to many. But I try my best to work on that. Moving away might help for a while, but I take myself with me, My struggles, my pain. So self transformation needs to be done first, and then who knows how things develop

I was wondering if someone is here who actually lived as a hermit?

Thanks
 
I actually more or less do. I realise I need to learn how to relate again. I suck so bad at it and some times its not very convinient. I wonder If I just use the hermit life as an excuse since Ive been so badly hurt. Im telling my self Ill draw back from the world cause I need to heal, but actually I think as written above I also need to learn to be with other humans. In normal ways. I find it hard since I grew up in a war zone terrified of others.
 
That must 've been really hard to live such a life. Warzones , even family warzones, Tim Roth's movie “ The Warzone“ comes then into my mind.
So, when an individual makes that decision to isolate himself, to find solace, its totally understandable. Yes Bloomy, to connect , find Relationships and have that emotional security would probably be a healthier way to live. Still, I have difficulties doing so.
 
Not for very long. At most a few months at a time, and far more often for weeks at a time.

I sort of cycled for several years. I would work for a few weeks or months. Come home (I was usually working abroad, home is relative) & Party until I'd had my fill of stupidity. Then go off and be by myself for a few weeks or months. Usually surfing. Sometimes just traveling. Then I'd go back to work. Party. Vanish. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. For about 5 years.

During my away phases, I was often very near people/society. No more than a couple hours walk, and often closer. Other times I'd be a few hundred miles away. But I always came back.

None of it was very planned. I'd gone pretty feral. Ruled by impulse. Then by need. Then by want. I was broken. Couldn't take care of myself, couldn't grok life. Sometimes I was completely broke/no money, other times I had rather a lot of money in the bank, I just couldn't process anything. Nothing made sense. So I did what did make sense.

Eventually, I found something of a balance. Built off that. And very very gradually my patterns started shifting.

They were hard years. I survived them purely by luck. Not skill.

The times where I walked away from my life? Weren't what made me better. They were a sign of exactly how f*cked up I really was. There's a quote I've fallen in love with, as it rings more true than most things:

"Depression and trauma are disconnective disorders. They do not improve in isolation. To fix them you have to be connected to others."
 
Thanks for tips about the movie. Will def check it out. Yeah - it was horrible being so afraid that only closed and locked doors could provide atleast a minimum of safety. Taken many years for me to feel secure even going to sleep at night.

I wonder what has hurt you so bad that you choose to withdraw from the world...?

I also belive its a classic thinking as you refer to. Many wise people had the same thoughts as you mention. Personally Im just confused whether its a good thing or not since when one is hurt human contact could do one well. The right contact that is.
Was thinking yesterday that how can I heal when I keep saying to myself that hermit living is the way to process my issues when probably I need to get out there and somewhat dare to learn how to socialize.

How do you see your self working on it while you remove your self?
 
@FridayJones. What you say makes sense. Its contradictory what I say: I know very well that Isolation doesnt help, I van understand those who seek that, but in the long run one will be forced to face his/her abysses.

Your sentence brings it to the point.

@Bloomy: Oh dont watch that movie. No good for someone with PTSD. Not even good for a somewhat normal mindset (If there is a such thing called normal) Definitely not, it just came popped into my mind, because of the word warzone.

I am working on myself, while trying to reintergrate those fragmented parts of the self. Dunno if that makes sense?

Thats what I meant by saying its contradictory, a part of me thinks that isolation is needful for being safe and the rational mind knows it s actually not useful.
 
I have spent quite a bit of time living at a monastary, in more or less silence. I'd reccommend it to anyone for a while at least. That was the closet experience.

I was offered a job there which would have offered a semi hermit life, twice. On both opps it was shown that avoidance was a motivating factor. On one of the opps it was quite clear in the words of Kabat Zin, 'whereever you go, there you are'.

I committed to working on self transformation at the end of my last
relationship (seven years ago) I can see that what I did was necessary but also see how my focus on self/me, was a way if not dealing with the trickiness of relating, I basically went into sophisticated avoidance. Just my experience. I'm now making attempt to crawl out, it feels hard, to impossible.

I also have that incapable feeling.
I sense that a lot of people have a similar feeling but maybe don't label it as incapable or incompetence because of other good enough stuff. This is what I have picked up through conversation. Some people have highlighted that they often don't know what their doing but they muddle through. I find that with cptsd, at my stage in recovery, I often don't have the stamina to stay with the difficulty or I stay too long, which triggers, snaps the elastic and sends me back into avoidance.

Yes that movie is amazing in its depiction but a stressor for sure!
 
A hermit life?

I idolize it but would get tired of it.

I kind of like how things are now. Living in a rural area where I can have my needed space but have the opportunity to interact with the world-----on my terms.
 
Another story, with personal struggles.
I had this Idealization of soleness. I used to be interested...
Yes, I too live in the wonderful town called Hermitville. Now I work 6 days a week as a delivery driver. I never have had any problem dealing with customers and doing my job. I attribute this to the fact that there is a diversion which is my job. I attend church most Sundays and am comfortable, although I sit by myself and don't mingle very much if at all. I have no family and only one friend from a previous job that I stay in contact on a regular basis. My big social event would be if I go fishing and there is someone there that wants to shoot the breeze. My hyper-vigilance will not allow me at this time to get too deep into any social environment.

I am still working on not being too harsh on myself. In my heart, I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with other people. But damage done is damage done. And child abuse does hideous things to a person. And when these things are so tightly knotted into your psyche, it is a brutal process to break them. For me, the best thing I can do for myself is accept that there are just some things that I will not be able to change. While simultaneously attempting to do my level best to change those things that need to be changed and those things that I can change. It's a process and it's a plan.
 
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