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Sometimes I'm Afraid I Will Hurt Myself

Discussion in 'General' started by Moonshadow, Jan 8, 2009.

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  1. Moonshadow

    Moonshadow Active Member

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    No, I'm not suicidal. No, I don't want to hurt myself. But sometimes I see me hurting myself with a knife, or slamming my head on the pavement. I'm afraid to take pain relievers, as I see myself swallowing the whole bottle.

    I don't want to do any of these things. I want to live and feel good.
    I feel numb and lost and cold and hopeless. I'm dizzy and nauseous. I can't sleep or think. I just stare at nothing, lost in my own darkness.

    I'm afraid to share these thoughts with anyone around me, as I don't want them to see how deep my pain is. I'm also terrified of being hospitalized.

    And I was doing so well for awhile there.
     
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  3. Luthien

    Luthien Well-Known Member

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    I sometimes get visions like this. They can be very unnerving. One I still get very frequently is of me diving facefirst off of something high. I don't know what causes it, but I usually explain it to myself as a type of paranoia.

    I think that it is common for this type of thoughts to happen to people though, I have talked to several people about it, not in relation to PTSD, because they didn't have it, but just as a general chat topic, and all of them have experienced the same sorts of thoughts out of nowhere.

    Sorry I don't have an explanation for you.
     
  4. fairandcold

    fairandcold New Member

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    I know you're scared. I was too a couple of weeks ago when I was having the same thoughts...that's why I went to the ER to find out that I have PTSD.

    We have a lot of anger that has to come out someway and sometimes it manifests itself like that. Scary, but I have been there before if it makes you feel any better.
     
  5. patrick

    patrick Well-Known Member

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    Me too. When I have them I know I'm not going to do anything about it, but they are still there. It's a mystery to me what they'e about and why they keep coming up. I wish I knew more about this stuff, but haven't had enough time since learning I have PTSD to have read very much. Maybe somebody out there can enlighten us, or suggest a reference.
     
  6. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

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    I believe these are called "intrusive thoughtsand visions". This is common in everyone but most common in people with OCD and PTSD.

    I used to get them real bad when I would mix two of my medications. Now I rarely get them. There are some methods one can do to learn how to eliminate these or at least slow down the process in which they occur.

    Just type in intrusive thoughts in google and you can find some coping methods.

    Tammy
     
  7. patrick

    patrick Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Tammy. I will do that very thing
     
  8. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member Sponsor $100+

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    Tammy is right....The intrusive thoughts are a pain in the butt. They can be so damn hard to handle at times. But by working on your trauma, and having more positive thoughts, you can lower them a great deal, or actually have them go away......
     
  9. cragger65

    cragger65 I'm a VIP

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    It got me curious, so I did a search. This quote popped out at me from one article:

    "Starting with the understanding that efforts to suppress intrusions will be likely to backfire, alternatives (such as responding mindfully) would be expected to reduce the impact of the intrusions and contribute to the reduction in relapse. This is the explanation for the reduced relapse rate seen in people exposed to mindfulness-based cognitive therapy."

    Source: cognitivetherapyassociation.org/docs/CBTBR-Vol_2(4)a.pdf
     
  10. Kunoichi

    Kunoichi Well-Known Member

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    I get these thoughts. I don't want to do it and I don't think I ever would. I am going to google intrusive thoughts to find some coping methods so ty for posting that. But one thing i do when i get those thoughts, is I put everything sharp away from me, grab my stuff penguin and play a vid game or something....just my own coping method.
     
  11. Leda

    Leda Active Member

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    I also get these thoughts quite frequently, and for years my method was to use the mantra: "stay safe". It worked, bud did not decrease the thoughts. By the way, in my teens I did selfharm frequently, but gave it up at 17.

    Lately, mostly due to a good trauma therapist, I am managing a new approach to this. I have come to realise that within me there still is an angry and shameful child. And SHE needs not only to be controlled, but also cared for. When these thoughts bother me now, I try to meet them with as much empaty and love as I can find within me.

    And the grown up me says things like: I understand that you are angry and hurt - It´s all right. I´ll take care of it.

    I hope this makes sense to someone - it´s really hard to explain.
     
  12. cragger65

    cragger65 I'm a VIP

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    Leda, that was an excellent explanation/description. I relate to this HUGELY. Thanks.
     
  13. Moonshadow

    Moonshadow Active Member

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    Thanks for your responses, everyone. I think the first step in fighting these thoughts is understanding them. I'm also making a connection between how being triggered makes these thoughts worse, and harder to control.

    When I first posted about this, it was at the end of a really hard day. I had had 3 panic attacks, and was totally lost in my dark thoughts. I feel like I'm still recovering from it today, 2 days later.
     
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