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Sometimes you think you're doing fine and then...

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Sometimes you think you're doing fine. You have a few really good days where you used the bare minimum of medication, you didn't have too many physical symptoms, anxiety was low. And then suddenly your stomach is in knots, or you are extra nauseous, or your startle response is off the charts, or this, or that. Could it have been the comparatively benign nightmare you had the night before (got back to sleep rather quickly, no meds needed)? Could it have been that you were thinking about something upsetting for a little too long the day before?

You play detective for the better part of the morning. You surface multiple possibilities that are reasonable and viable options. You conclude that it's probably a combination of many things. And you try the best you can to use your coping strategies, knowing full well that the voices telling you another panic/depression cycle is beginning are louder than the meager encouragement you try to conjure, knowing full well that your mind and body are already so exhausted and bogged down by all the symptoms, how could you possibly wade through the muck and mud and quicksand to try and get to the other side?

If you don't know what you're triggers are, the world becomes one in and of itself. Sometimes it's just too much. Living life like I'm walking through a minefield. I'm about done.

Ella
 
Sometimes you think you're doing fine. You have a few really good days where you used the bare minimu...
Ella,

I know just how you feel and I've been there and go back there not infrequently. What I tell myself in my darkest moments, however, is that, while this state might FEEL permanent, it is not. I remind myself that I've been here before and it has passed. The main thing is not to give up, to be patient with yourself and with the therapeutic process. Progress, not perfection, as they say in 12-step programs. The emotional state that this is what the REAL you is and will always be is not reality; it's just an emotional state. They come and go; giving up is permanent. Please stay and keep fighting the good fight. You are not alone.
 
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