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Sorry....

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shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I used to say 'Sorry' for everything. I could plug that word into a single sentence at least 400 times. I think the core of the word for me was 'Sorry for my Existence'. It went deep. The thing is, I have a friend who does the same thing and it was a great way of understanding what Sorry felt like on the receiving end. I was sad that they felt I was putting them in a position that they had to be 'sorry' to me. Of course, as time went on I realized that when they said it, it wasn't about me, that sorry was about them.

So the two of us worked on it. We did a blanket 'Sorry' at the beginning and determined that we would use different words. Things like 'I Apologize', and 'I Wish I Hadn't Done That' or 'I Wish That Hadn't Happened to You'. It made us both stop and think about what we were saying Sorry for. We realized that it was harder to throw in one of those statements as 'Sorry' just seemed to be a 'filler' and very unhealthy word. Neither of us say Sorry much anymore and that has filtered to my life around other people as well.

I used to wonder why Narcs had me pegged. I think 'Sorry' was like a neon sign on my forehead to them. Ah...they would think to themselves....A clear cut raging target. Nothing a narc likes to hear better than 'I'm Sorry'. It gives them their 'supply' of 'I can do no wrong', imho

Any thoughts? Do you say 'Sorry' a lot? Do you think it stems from family and/or developmental abuse?
 
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Sorry, I don't understand what you are getting at :confused:

On a more serious note, yes I do have a tendency to apologise regardless as to whether it is justified. It is like I had the idea that everything was my fault - even if it has nothing to do with me.
 
Omg!!!! Until last year I used to think that I was the ONLY one who used sorry thousand times in a sentence but I was WRONG!!! Last year and the year before when depression struck me bad and I was diagnosed with Ptsd, I started realizing how much self-hate I had. Yes, the sorry about me not the recipient and sorry was exactly for my existence. you've explained exactly how I felt about myself.

I slowly started realizing that I didn't need to say sorry that much and it is Okay to own your words and statements and there is no crime in being yourself. But the realization didn't happen overnight but it happened gradually. I still say sorry for things I don't need to but not as much. The more I'm getting to know myself the more I'm starting to understand the Okay bit for being me myself and I. I used to hate those "I, me and myself " because it was selfish to think well for yourself and it is better to think and do good to others. But this whole people pleasing and doing good to others but myself made me unhappy. Now , I am glad to realize that I also Matter and I am as deserving and as important as anyone on this planet and f*ck what others think :P :D.


Thank you for sharing a post that is and will always close to my heart :).
 
I say sorry a lot. Sometimes for things I wasn't alive for or had no involvement in. But usually because I assume its my fault. I've said sorry to my T more than once for things like sharing something deeply upsetting, for being emotional, for not being emotional, for silence.

I think its deeply tied into shame. Instead of guilt saying "I've done wrong." I tend more towards shame as "I am wrong."

I like how you've changed things. I think I might try that.
 
I used to say sorry constantly, I was such a door mat. It started really early too, like middle school age... For me it was definitely a huge sign of my innate sense of worthlessness. I was apologizing for existing pretty much. I took responsibility for things that I was not even responsible for and said "sorry", it was really sad. I'm better about this now, but it's still sad and embarrassing to even think about...how lost, scared, and unworthy I felt.
 
When I began learning Spanish at fourteen, I was just in love with the Spanish "lo siento," meaning "I'm sorry" but literally "I feel it." It seemed like a much better way of saying "sorry" to me--less "I apologize" and more, well, "I feel it."

There was this woman who was tangential to my family life for a few months. She was doing vocals for a music project my dickbag brother was working on. Anyway, she had fairly recently escaped an abusive relationship and was definitely showing signs of a stress disorder. One night, she completely flipped out on my mother, because she was eating dinner with us, and my mother has a habit (from her own history of family violence/abuse) of apologizing for everything she serves before anyone even tastes it. "Sorry, that's overdone," "Sorry, that needs salt..." I totally do this too. Well, this lady just lost it: "STOP apologizing! Is there anything you made that you like?! Is there anything you're happy with?" I mean, this woman went at it. My mother was shocked. I think everybody but me was completely shocked.

In any case, this episode in my life got me thinking early (I think I was 13 at the time) about being overly apologetic and its relationship to abuse.

Postscript: I still apologize a lot, especially if I'm really nervous or perceive someone as a threat, but I have gotten it under control pretty well these days.
 
Your post has got me thinking.
I have a lot of friends who say "sorry" all the time and it makes me crazy. They are wonderful people and I want to just shake them because I know their sorries are all about themselves existing. I do everything I can to put them at their ease and tell them it's okay, but it doesn't help.

I say "sorry" a lot too. Sometimes for real things for which I feel at fault...mistakes I've made, or things I've misunderstood, or things I've forgotten. I truly mean it. I am sorry and am not fearful of taking responsibilities for the ways I fall short. (Well, I actually am fearful, but I do take responsibility instead of blaming it on someone else or circumstances). I think this is called "owning it." The hard part is distinguishing between this and other things.

But I also say "sorry" a lot at other times. For me, I think it relates to when I have needs that I cannot fill on my own. I always say "sorry" when I ask for help. I hate asking for help, but I am practicing doing so without saying "I'm sorry." I say "sorry" when people expect me to do things I cannot do. I say "sorry" when parts of me feel like I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing or acting the way I'm supposed to be acting (this is the big one and I still don't quite get it...it is the one that comes from childhood I think). My therapist tells me I need to learn how to take up more space in the world. LOL! So many of my yoga poses are "big" ones...warrior etc. I am working on not "disappearing" and not apologizing for being visible and taking up space and having needs. It is very hard.

I've said sorry to my T more than once for things like sharing something deeply upsetting, for being emotional, for not being emotional, for silence.
:roflmao: Me too!
 
Caught myself, almost started with "I'm sorry to hear so many of you also over-apologize..." So, yeah, it's a problem, one that I'm somewhat aware of. A friend and mutual support buddy points it out sometimes that I don't need to be sorry for certain things. It's hard to adjust to only being held accountable for my own words and deeds and not everything in the known universe being my fault. I still let that slide sometimes, if someone needs a scapegoat I know I've got experience

If we're saying all too much SORRY for our own reasons, can we accept our apology and say it's okay to exist?.
 
I used to do this all of the time and I had people in my life that told me not to do it.

It took realizing that in my thoughts I was abusing me just like my abusive parents used to do to me. I think that the problem originated with them.

Once I began to learn how to thought stop and replace it with a kind thought, things began to improve with me. I spent so many years aplogizing for my exsistence. Now I do not do that anymore.
 
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