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Spiraling And Feeling Done With Therapy

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DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Oh no, Monster is having issues with her therapist, again. Really? It becomes so predictable. I don't know if I want to continue therapy at all. I have joined a Buddhist group that practices mindfulness, meditation, and follows the Eightfold Path (the Buddhist 10 commandments sort of) I'm really thinking this will be enough. I keep telling him I'm having flashbacks and remembering trauma, but I feel like he discourages me from talking about the trauma. He will talk about symptoms this trauma can cause, and how processing it with help relieve the symptoms but no processing. I asked how I should process it and he said I could write it down until it doesn't bother me or tell him. I said I would tell him but off he goes unto another subject.

I was trying to tell him I don't want to be afraid of authority figures, and gave an example and he kept acting like I was wrong, and deserved what I got, and if I didn't want to answer that particular question I should have not said what I did. I told him I KNOW that, I said so much myself, that isn't the point, it was just an example. So now I feel like as ass because I made a mistake in my example and he kind of rubbed it in and I felt like I was so stupid because I could have avoided the whole thing by not saying a particular word. Now its about how I set myself up to get walked over and its my own fault, rather than the fact we were talking about boundaries and I asked for help setting boundaries with authority figures.

Anyway, I told him I was leaving and he didn't say anything. Every once in a while he gets into pissy moods where no matter what I say I'm wrong, and he's not his usual compassionate teaching self. Maybe this is part of therapy, but he has said some really pissy things to me in the past. Like -"You think you're better than everyone else". At that time I didn't even think I was a person. I felt like I was from another planet and nothing I did was worthwhile.
I had a suicide attempt after this. He explained that he meant something different. Whatever. I have attachment issues so therapy is very difficult for me. I can't understand how a relationship that you know is going to end is going to help me with relationships.

I know this sounds silly, that I shouldn't react so much from what little he says, but there is also body language, and intonation, and I become overwhelmed. I think I will just give it up.
 
Nothing you've written sounds silly to me. We show our most sensitive, vulnerable, wounded parts to therapists, and that is because we need them, and hopefully because we trust them. If their response to us doesn't feel validating, affirming, healing... is it any wonder we want to quit or we get very upset? This is sensitive work, as I know you know.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I can't judge your interaction with him, but I'm glad you've branched out to another support/growth system as well, Buddhism. One great piece of advice I've received from folks on this forum and others is to take posts like this, print them, and share them with my therapist. Would that perhaps be helpful to you in resolving this dilemma one way or the other? Best wishes! I hope your path smooths out soon.
 
Monster, so sorry to hear how negative this has been. Will you have any more sessions with him? I like Leah's idea of sharing what you wrote in your post.

I'm concerned for you that you haven't had the chance to process the trauma as you've wanted to, and are still so troubled by it as a result. I understand that you might not want to have therapy again, with any therapist, so I'm not suggesting what you should do. I just wanted to say that I needed to find a therapist with a more "spiritual", compassionate and validating approach to fit with my own approach and beliefs, and there are such therapists out there if you ever decide you might want to seek that. (I see a transpersonal psychotherapist who has experience of trauma.)

At any rate, I too am glad that you have the support of a group.

I'm really sorry your therapist hasn't worked with you the way you've asked him to. You aren't being silly, you're paying attention to what you need.
 
Thanks guys, you gave me some good advice. He is a Buddhist phd, but even they get pissy sometimes. It's coming up on a full moon. He sent me an email this am, which I didn't see until now, saying again what he's aid yesterday. He doesn't understand. I could explain it or just let it go.
 
Hmmmm.

Is it OK to ask something? Have you done trauma work with him in the past (talking about and processing trauma), and if so did he validate your experiences? I'm just wondering because of a brush I've had with Buddhism in the context of trauma processing. There seemed to be a couple of fundamental issues with trying to combine the two. But if you don't want to answer that, please don't.
 
I see red flags.

Writing your trauma down until you are not bothered by it is NOT processing! It is desensitization, nothing more, nothing less.

As someone who spent a solid two weeks processing my traumas one-on-one in a trauma center, I am appalled that a therapist would try to pass that off as processing.

Maybe this is a sign to move on? I'm not saying to give up on therapy, just maybe him? Keep up with Buddhism, and perhaps find another therapist when you're ready?
 
I am sorry that you are going through this. It must suck to have a moody therapist. I think mine is on some sort of drug or something because she mostly seems catatonic. I would not mind if she livened up a bit once in a while. Maybe you do need a change in therapists. Have you thought about bringing up how you feel? If it is hard to say you could write down what you want to say.
 
Have you done trauma work with him in the past (talking about and processing trauma), and if so did he validate your experiences?

I have talked with him about several really bad traumas. We did process them. One of them I brought up again because I had more to say. I'm wondering if I'm the one not bringing it up since he had been letting me lead. I bring in a list that I want to go over. I have truly come a long way with him. A long, long way in a short amount of time. Every once in a while communication does break down, and I'm getting better at handling it.

Hashi, tell me about the Buddhism thing. I was a Buddhist in the 80s, then became one again in 2010. I am much more attached to my practice this time, and I'm trying to push past a lot and let go of a lot of suffering but sometimes I get mired in the suffering.
 
I guess its not as bad as all that. We do process trauma, however I just remembered I was hospitalized 2 weeks ago, which is probably why we are not processing trauma, and misunderstanding him had been a huge problem during therapy, and I think it keeps coming up because I have yet to handle it the way I want to.

I think the worst is the fact that I really like him, we have many things in common, and it will be hard for me to stop therapy at the end. I know he's not a friend, but it feels like it sometimes and I am devastated by the fact I know the relationship will end. Maybe when I am better I won't want to go chat with him. Who knows? Thanks for being there for me, this is a huge part of my therapy processing too! :hug: to all of you.
 
Hi Monster. Just dropping off a hug if that is OK. :hug:I will come back and answer properly.
Maybe when I am better I won't want to go chat with him. Who knows
Or maybe you will still like him and be able to keep him constant in your mind whilst also being OK with letting go and moving on to other healthy relationships in realtime. Attachment is very very painful but things can change.
 
We do process trauma, however I just remembered I was hospitalized 2 weeks ago, which is probably why we are not processing trauma, and misunderstanding him had been a huge problem during therapy, and I think it keeps coming up because I have yet to handle it the way I want to.

I think the worst is the fact that I really like him, we have many things in common, and it will be hard for me to stop therapy at the end. I know he's not a friend, but it feels like it sometimes

This dynamic reminds me so much of my therapeutic relationship. I think it's a sign of the strength of the relationship that I'm so attached, and sometimes I certainly have huge fears and upsets about misunderstandings, and like you, trouble connecting the dots sometimes, realizing, oh yeah, you were in hospital, hence a break from trauma work probably makes perfect sense. :)

Hope everything is smoothing out for you and coming clear.
 
Yes, Leah and Abstract, that makes sense. I know I am growing because I didn't quit therapy and fly off the handle at him. I like it when I catch him being human, it makes me believe that we are equal, and we are all equal even though a lot of us feel "less than". Thank you all for your input, it is so nice to be able to hash this out with others who understand, and come up with a good answer. You guys are awesome!
 
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